Monday Morning Cheer and Random Notes

Hello all. This is the fabulous Rachel posting.

More fabulous than Lady Rainicorn with a voice translator making her sound like an old man.

If there is one thing in existence that most adults can agree upon it is the feeling of dread that the alarm clock brings on a Monday morning. 

100% sure that this is Cthulhu's creation. 

Going to work on a Monday morning is probably the most torturous thing I can think of (I would rather punch a baby in the face). 

It's Monday morning! Time to take my frustrations out on the local orphans!

There is no amount of sleep or caffeine that can prepare you for the bombardment awaiting you at your workplace of choice.

I myself can never be equipped to handle the massive e-mail collection that Outlook has spawned over the much too short weekend.

A pretty precise representation of my Monday morning. I can just hear the Inbox calling 'Ha, bitch!'.

I can never be equipped to handle the pile of paperwork sitting by my keyboard waiting for me to finally mark it's milky white body with my Hunger Games themed pen.

Like this only on paper.

...And I can absolutely never be equipped to handle the shrill ring of the telephone at ass-o-clock in the morning.

(Lively jingle) GOOD MORNING! GOOD MORNING! IT'S TIME TO GREET THE DAY! GOOD MORNING! GOOD MORNING! FUCK YOU!

To put today in perspective, I would say that on a scale of 'One to I rape your soul' it would be a 'Satan just came in my eye with his fire semen'.

Yes, that bad.

We can all agree on this point. No arguing.

Now, on to the good/not good stuff:

I have a fairly sketchy memory at times so I have a habit of writing myself notes on anything I can find (stray paper, sticky notes, napkins) and sticking them in my pockets or purse.

This would probably be a successful strategy if when I got home I put the notes in plain sight.

I do not do this. Ever.

The notes are left to stew in my pocket until they either (a) get washed, (b) get stuck in a different place, or (c) stay in my purse until the end of time.

I just saved money on my car insurance by finding this note in my pocket. Too bad...BRAINS!

I also have the unfortunate ability to jot down a quick message that makes no sense, so I am left confused if/when I find the note. 

Why does my textbook have 'penis filtration system' written in it 400 times?

Here is just a minor sampling for you with my own puzzled reactions:

*Colors=Red, White, and Silver (This could very well have meant life or death.)

The color scheme is all wrong! I said red! Red! Red! RED! Like the blood that will soon be spilled.

*Dirt Pipe Milkshake

1.	dirtpipe milkshake	172 up, 47 down
	When having unprotected anal sex, upon male ejaculation into the recipient's rectum, an anus-stretched situation may occur that results in the semen dripping out of the rectum. This is known as a dirtpipe milkshake, aka anal creampie.  Urban Dictionary answered my question and killed my soul. Why was this on a note?

*Cigarette like this (I don't smoke. What the fuck was I talking about?)

Gran-Gran smokes a cigarette like this.

*"If the perineum is longer, his sperm is stronger" (Indeed?)

NO PICTURE FOR YOU EVER ON THIS. EVER.

*"I would marry the man who did this, no lie" (Did what? The suspense is killing me.)

This man?

*Alice...chandelier! $850.00 (A baby auction obviously, with chandelier included.)

A package deal! *Note* Woman and gun not included.

*Big Bad wolf duck sauce (I'm sure this is real sauce and I'm not crazy.)

Google gave me this. What is this? What the fucking hell is this?

*Cryathon? You'll cry and you know it. (The back of the note said George. That was completely helpful.)

Yeah George, stop making the baby cry.

*A man? Le what? (Men? Never heard of them.)

Men. What do Femputer?

*A big old mind fuck (This whole section is.)

Who makes sense? I don't.

Thus ends my chaotic and rambling post which you either loved or super-loved (probably super-loved).

But on a parting note:

I learned to play Magic for the first time yesterday. I beat my boyfriend twice (once with Kelsey, once by myself). Never have I been so proud to say I played the card game of virgins...okay, okay, the card game of most virgins.

I have the ability to make women dry as the Sahara Desert and men limp like a foot amputee.

Also:

What you don't know is that after this picture was snapped he devoured that bunny feet first.

Last gnome picture (pinky promise and solemn swear) so Kelsey doesn't shank me in my sleep.

Deuces.

Random facts about Kelsey

First off, earthlings, I'd like to begin by saying: Seriously, Rachel, stop posting fucking gnomes. Not cool, bro, not cool.

So, I guess I should post facts about myself. Hrm.

#1- I, Kelsey, work at Sheetz. Sheetz is a gas station/fast food restaurant combined. I both hate and love my job. Mostly hate. Love my coworkers, though!

The joke is that every cloud has its silver lining. 

I'm funny, shush.

#2- I ALSO have two brothers! One works at gamestop, the other is living with and dating a woman 20 years older than him. Her oldest son is only two years younger than he is. BUT we love her, and thats what matters!

#3- My boyfriend isn't real. I have no boyfriend. I have a really bad past with my ex. Thats right. I'M ONE OF THOSE GIRLS. No. But, really. I have a shit ton of friends and we act goofy together. I'll tell stories sometime.

The most useful picture I've found

#4- I do eat fast food. To survive. I am a college kid. I go to community college now, will transfer to psychology in about a year after getting a dual degree in Gened and Communications. Then, I will transfer to a different school to get my degree in Sexual Psychology. Much to my father's chagrin.

#5- I can't walk in heels. Because I'm stupid.

Just like this. This is what I look like.

#6- I just recently met my co-blogger Rachel. I have no idea what shes talking about.

Okay, we've known each other since I was about a 7th grader and she an 8th. I am about to start my third year in college, you do the math. We see each other about once a week, now, because I work weekends. BUT ITS SUMMER NOW.

...Also, where did she find such terrifying pictures?

#7- Rachel is obnoxious. Also, her seventh fact was about me, that doesn't count. Rachel, you owe me another fact!

#8- I have a cat! Her name is Emma. She wakes me every night by clawing my face, knocking my lamp over on my face, sitting on my face, throwing things at my face, pawing at my face. I think she loves me.

#9- Oh, god. I also love swinging. I can remember many a summer day spent at the park swinging with Rachel.

#10- Every day the world gets more infuriatingly empty, more full of malice and disdain for the lesser human beings, as deemed by those in power. This ever lengthening gap in empathy, sympathy, and even the usually present pity is the knife that castrates love and leaves it sterile, the wire that slits a whimpering and begging affection's throat, the scythe that cuts the wheat of logic down before it can even grow. Greed is abundant and all we can do is watch as men in power become more powerful, women in power fall aside, sit quietly, and avoid the limelight to become corrupted further. What has this world come to?

Ha. That took me forever to write. Okay, my tenth fact: My mom just made pizza. Omnomnom.

There, Rachel. Be happy.

This is how I feel today:

I'm tired and sad, Hulk is actually unrelated.

Hulk is always unrelated...

Random Facts of Rachel

Hello amino-acid driven lifeforms. This is Rachel once again (also known as Raquel, God of Gods, and The Bitch So Sexy That The Sun Explodes When It Sees My Face).

I really need to stop being so awesome.

More awesome than this times infinity.

Anyway, let me be my ego-filled self and tell you a little about me. You know you want to hear it.

Want it as much as you want this.

Fact #1: I am a secretary (official title: logistics officer) at a wine importation and distribution company. No, we don't get free samples. We also don't get to party.

Back to work slaves. Time is money.

Fact #2: I have two brothers. One is a poker dealer. One is a carpenter. 

Fact #3: My boyfriend is of the Native American descent. Yes, he has long black hair.

No, this isn't him. Yes, his hair is exactly this fabulous.

Fact #4: I do not eat fast food. 

Fact #5: I refuse to ever watch Star Wars (yes, I'm a trekkie).

Fact #6: I have been friends with co-blogger Kelsey for years and years.

This is her friendship present. She'll love it.

Also, this:

Don't you just want to give the one on the bottom right a hug? Dawwww!

Fact #7: Kelsey probably hated that.

Fact #8: My boyfriend and I have a husky/lab mix. His name is Wahya.

Fact #9: I love to swing. You are a terrorist if you don't.

First child to touch the ground is a future suicide bomber...and loses the game of lava.

Fact #10: I just made a completely pointless post. Go me.

Of course, this means that Kelsey has to make a post with 10 factoids about her. If she doesn't I'll cry.

Also, I feel like this today:

All the Amish people are in my face. 

But in all seriousness, I just wanted a picture of Seth Green as an Amish person.

That Feel, Bro Thursdays - Rachel

First of all, everyone stop your applauding. I know I'm awesome.

Stop it. I mean it.

Second of all, Kelsey's last post about gnomes was hilarious.

She is just jealous that she doesn't have a legitimate fear on me.

Except this:

 I will eat your family mother-fucker...from the inside out. There is nothing you can do about it. Fuck you.

However, I feel this is not a fear she can use on me because no one likes spiders.

Not her. Not you. Not anyone. 

What's that? You say you like spiders. Do you? You're lying.

The only person who likes spiders is Cthulhu...

*Note*: Water is strategically placed to hide his massive, terror-inducing junk.

He eats them for breakfast. 

Anyway, I've gone way off topic. This is a 'That Feel, Bro' post. Let's get to it.

"Do you know that feeling you get when you're driving on the interstate and some asshole starts riding your ass (when you're already going 5-10 over) and they zip around you only to immediately swerve in front of you (so you have to slam on your breaks on the damn interstate) and then they get off at an exit literally two seconds later? And all you want to do is slam them like:

 I eat crazy for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

Bro, you feel me?"

Rachel's post made me sad

Hello, creatures made with various chemicals in such the right degree as to make life possible!

Rachel's last post made me sad.

Why?

Because...

Because.........

Because.............

I'm terrified of gnomes.

This movie is my worst nightmare come true

She knows that, too, and did that on purpose. She knows. And she is terrible.

You may ask why, I, the most wonderful girl on the Bucketsphere would be afraid of Gnomes. And, I may punch you in the face for being impertinent.




So, my mother used to have a small garden around a giant tree in my front yard. In this garden was a lawn gnome. Just a normal gnome, all standing around looking like an ugly badass. Red cap, all that good stuff.  I was about 15. Ah, 15, such a good age. Every night spent at Rachel's house. My Prefrontal Cortex was small and my Amygdale was large...the teenage years were awkward and beautiful. I would come home each night, none the wiser that the Gnomes were planning their assault.


Their evil plan...for revenge.

DUN DUN DUNNNNNN

Each morning, I would wake up, happy and delighted to BE ALIVE. My backpack slug over one shoulder, like the cool cat I was. Walk out to the bus stop at the end of my driveway.

Glance over.

Whats that?

What...whats that?

Wasn't that gnome under the tree yesterday?

Well, its still under the tree today, technically...but wasn't it inside the bricks?

Then the bus would come and I would depart for a wonderful day of learning. The next day, wake up, sing a beautiful song, birds flocking to my shoulders. Look over, smile still fleeting on my lips...

WHY WASN'T THE GNOME UNDER THE TREE ANYMORE. ITS NOT EVEN VAGUELY UNDER THE TREE, ITS NEXT TO THE DRIVEWAY NOW OH GOD WHATS GOING ON.

And then I got on the bus and departed, mentioning to nary a soul of my terrifying discovery.

Each day...each damned day...hell was wrought closer and closer to my safe haven. My only sanctuary was my room, my safety based on the knowledge that gnomes cannot open doors. They are too short to reach the knob, too fat to fit under the door. I was safe.

I was safe...

Until I wasn't.

One fateful morning, the gnome, the evil hoarder of pain and suffering, was staring at me through our front door. His eyes locked with mine and it was over. I was dead. I knew he would stop at nothing to end my life...unless I ended his first.

How do you end the life of Satan's Incarnate?

My end was imminent. I wished my family a good life, whispering goodbye to each friend, saying prayers under my breath. Then, I did all I could do...I went to bed.

I woke the next morning to what I expected. There he was, on my bedside stand.

Staring at me, just like so.

"I hate you," his eyes conveyed.

"I will destroy you," his body seemed to venomously creep out

How did he get in here? I contemplated this while staring straight at the red cap of my killer. This was my last second on Earth. I would miss my family. I hope they would feed my cat. Otherwise she'll just stare accusingly at them.


The gnome crept closer and closer. Each second seemed a lifetime.

And then I remember darkness. When I awoke, I was here. On the Bucketsphere.

I loathe gnomes for what they have done...

And Rachel seriously shouldn't exploit that. Not cool, bro. 

Dreams and why they make no sense.

Hello flesh-bags filled with organs and water. This is Rachel and I'm bored at work so you get a post.

*Cue dramatic pause*...This is the part where you faint in ecstasy.

Most often the dreams that occur while a person is in deep sleep are normal. Like this:

I'm a sheep mother-fucker, baaaah! Go the fuck to sleep.

Other times sleep is like this:

I'm a sheep eating all your women and wearing their eye-masks. Fuck you.

Sometimes dreams are terrifying and involve things like garden gnomes:

I am so much of a gentlemen that when ladies walk by they automatically shed their clothes.

So where is this all headed? Oh yes, to the dream I had last night.

It started out innocently enough. I was on a train, a very specific train.

This train because why the fuck not?

However, I was not headed to Hogwarts. I was on a mission, and just like any normal dream I was this person:

Bad-ass.

Not soon after I recognized who I was, I knew my true purpose in dream life. I had to kill Edward Cullen.

*Note: I would show you a picture of him, but we all still want our eyes, right?

So my purpose in dream life was to kill Edward Cullen and how did I go about doing so? Did I ninja stake him through his sparkling heart? Did I go Cato on his ass and snap his neck? Did I do one thing cool?

The answer is no. 

You want to know what I did? I stalked him through the train cars, and by stalking I mean full on 'don't even give a shit about trying to hide' stalking. Once in a while Edward would turn around to stare at me and you know what I did? I disappeared like a true ninja. 

Oh wait, no I didn't. Instead of hiding or destroying him like a true bad-ass, I did something like this:

You can't see me motherfucker.

Maybe not so surprisingly my plans at hiding did not work. Edward just continued to walk, just ignoring the shit out of me.

You may be asking yourself how the dream ended. Did Rachel vanquish Edward? Did she go to Hogwarts anyway? Did she get less awesome?

Your answer is I woke up, back to the real world, with no dead Edward, no Hogwarts trip, and more awesome than I started out with. My only consolation was explaining the story to my boyfriend who was too confused for his own good.

That Feel, Bro Thursdays: Music

"Have you ever been listening to a song for the first time and suddenly its the best song in the world? So you listen to it a billion times in a row and the next week you're so sick of it that you want to punch something because you can't find a new song to obsess over?"

The Most Difficult Game Ever Created Gameplay and Commentary

Apparently Tyler is into QWOP now. I remember it being big like a year ago? Come on, Tyler, keep with the times.

Rachel is making me post this because shes completely unable to do these things. So.

(Is my disdain obvious?)

That Feel, Bro Thursdays (A day late) - Part 2

Is this Kelsey about to post again? I bet you're extremely ecstatic now, right?

Just kidding. This is Rachel, the other blogger. Did I kill your mood? Bet I did.

Here is my contribution to That Feel, Bro Thursdays:

"Have you ever been minding your own business when a cardboard box jumps right at the tender junction where a finger bends, goes samurai on your skin there (shredding it like a paranoid person shreds their business documents), and renders your hand useless for the rest of the day? And you cry like a bitch because a cardboard cut is equivalent to Satan licking your skin?"

That Feel, Bro Thursdays (A day late)

Kelsey here, yet again, carbon based lifeforms.

We have themes at Muon's Quest to Penetrate the Bucketsphere, now!

Tyler Tuesdays!
Regular ol' Wednesdays!
That Feel, Bro Thursdays!
Hot Topic Fridays!
Dic's With Rachel and Kelsey Sundays!

A note: Regular ol' Wednesdays will feature IM Backlogs, no matter what the post. If we post a normal post outside those days, then it will not feature. Normal posts can be any day.

We won't post everyday, obviously, but expect on those days to fit the theme. We missed yesterday, so here is today's That Feel, Bro!

"Have you ever had to pee so bad that you almost pee yourself taking off your pants and then you barely pee at all and you're kinda disappointed in your bladder for being an underachiever?"

Driving like a sir

Kelsey speaking, here, meat-creatures!

Two things for today's post.

The first? I am drinking grape juice from a large funnel cup like a sir.

The second? I am super excited for summer. No, summer is not a beautiful woman that I've fallen in love with. Summer is, of course, the season!

Not only did I buy plants I'm excited to plant (remind me to tell about my tea obsession). But, I am excited for warm evenings spent driving around with Rachel.

Ever since Rachel has started driving, we have been aimlessly cruising around town. Typically we actually have a purpose, originally, and then end up driving around to nowhere. We've had some adventures in her car, certainly. A trip to a small town in Maryland that freaked us both out. Almost dying in backwoods West Virginia. We've had fun and its the reason why I look forward to the summer.

To be frank, I think being in her car is the reason we became so close. We would head out to the mall or to Wal-Mart and on our way home she would take a random road and we would just talk. Some nights for hours. Every problem we were having, everything we've probably ever thought, on my part at least, was revealed at one point or another. I'm sure Rachel is more secretive than me, but still. She tells me things I don't think she tells other people. NO MATTER WHAT YOU SAY, RACHEL.

So, when we aren't throwing up our hearts and rainbows, what do we do? Typically we cause problems to pedestrians. Thats right. We roll down our windows (and, for the record, I consider her passenger seat my side of her car) and we SCREAM things at people.

Last summer we spent a whole night yelling "BONER" in varying degrees of voice infliction.

Just imagine, you're walking down the street and from your side you hear "BONER. BOOOOOONER. BONER? Boner!" How would you feel? Hopefully you'd feel elated. Maybe a little bit weird in your private parts. Its okay. We give that effect to people.

Most nights Rachel yells random inappropriate things, but I take a classier approach. I try holding conversations. I will ask people, while speeding by at 30 mph, how they are. Where are they going? I hope they get there safely.

I'm there for you, pedestrians. I love you. Will....will you marry me, pedestrians?

Rachel hates when I yell things when we have to stop at red lights. One afternoon, we pulled up next to another car turning left while we were going straight. She had HUGE shiny earrings on. So, being the polite motherfucker I am, I said "I like your earrings!". Startled, this woman looks over, sees the light change, and as shes turning utters a shy "Th...thank you!" and smiles.

That was a good day.

I love yelling things. Rachel's boyfriend doesn't seem to understand, but its a lot of fun. I'm shy, normally, and Rachel is the outgoing one. But, when it comes to screaming things out of the window while speeding by the shadier neighborhoods, I am much more willing than she is.

If I get shot though, I'm haunting her ass. Just cause.

So, Earthlings, we here at Muon's Quest to Penetrate the Bucketsphere give you some penetration of our own.

We are penetrating your MIND with this awesome IM backlog. Warning: Severe Language.

Kelsey (1:27:45 PM):    http://www.thehushradar.com/product.php?productid=21&cat=1&page=1
Kelsey (1:27:50 PM):    THEY ARE SOCKS WITH MOTHERFUCKING CAPES
Kelsey (1:27:54 PM):    ARE YOU UNDERSTANDING THIS SHIT
Kelsey (1:27:56 PM):    MOTHER
Kelsey (1:27:59 PM):    FUCKING
Kelsey (1:28:04 PM):    CAPE-ED SOCKS
Kelsey (1:28:09 PM):    FOR YOUR MOTHERFUCKING FEER
Kelsey (1:28:12 PM):    FEET
Kelsey (1:28:15 PM):    fuck
Kelsey (1:28:19 PM):    SO YOU CAN FUCKING FLY
Kelsey (1:28:28 PM):    MOTHERFUCKING FLY, DO YOU HEAR ME?
Kelsey (1:28:50 PM):    LIKE IF YOU WERE LIKE "FUCK THIS SHIT, IM OUTTA HERE" YOU WOULD STRAP ON THESE COCKSUCKING MOTHERFUCKING SOCKS WITH GODDAMN CAPES ON THEM
Kelsey (1:28:51 PM):    AND FLY
Kelsey (1:28:52 PM):    THE FUCK
Kelsey (1:28:53 PM):    AWAY
Kelsey (1:29:21 PM):    IF YOUR FEET WERE FUCKING COLD
Kelsey (1:29:35 PM):    YOU'D PUT THESE FUCKING BADBOYS ON, LOOK LIKE A DUMBASS, BUT BE WARM AS FUCK
Kelsey (1:29:38 PM):    BECAUSE THEY SOCKS WOULD GO
Kelsey (1:29:48 PM):    HAVE NO FUCKING FEAR, YOU PANSY FUCKING ASS, BATMAN IS HERE
Kelsey (1:29:51 PM):    WITH HIS FUCKING CAPE
Kelsey (1:29:52 PM):    WITH HIS FUCKING CAPE MAKE
Kelsey (1:29:59 PM):    TO MAKE
Kelsey (1:30:05 PM):    TO MAKE SHIT BETTER
Kelsey (1:30:15 PM):    TO MAKE SHIT BETTER
Rachel (3:19:53 PM):    Excuse me? Have you recently started a regimen on new drugs?
Rachel (3:20:05 PM):    *of
Kelsey (7:16:03 PM):    Yes
Kelsey (7:16:09 PM):    Also, whoa
Kelsey (7:16:11 PM):    You're on aim
Kelsey (7:16:16 PM):    Did you stay late at work?
Rachel (7:19:10 PM):    i have never washed my fat hairy ass
Kelsey (7:19:19 PM):    Well this I know
Rachel (7:19:29 PM):    That was my dad.
Kelsey (7:19:35 PM):    Hello, sir!
Rachel (7:19:47 PM):    What is up?
Kelsey (7:19:55 PM):    I just told you
Rachel (7:20:26 PM):    I'm bakin cookies