I concede to your conquest

Rachel, I concede.

You win.

You truly are ancient, your points have all shown me that. You are the oldest of the old.

This is you, obviously. Its okay, cupcake, you still got your looks!

Smokin'.

"You know that feeling you get when you're going really fast and a cop comes out of nowhere and does absolutely nothing even though you're going 30 over the speed limit?"

Countering Kelsey's Counter...Bitch

Hey cunt! I am talking to you Kelsey. You want to fight bro?

I'm the honey badger; you're the snake.

Yes ma'am, your reasons are completely valid. I will not argue that point. We all know that you are often times physically challenged...and by that, I mean mentally (<3 you though).

Like you, only smarter.

Maybe I should elaborate on my old people illnesses? Yes? I have scoliosis which is only exacerbated by every additional year added to my age.

Your knee/ankle/car wreck pain have nothing on this. My spinal cord is straight up fucked.

GERD calls itself my soulmate. Try waking up every morning with acid in your throat and a hurricane in your stomach.

My colon grows tumors. OLD PEOPLE TUMORS. In fact, I was the only minor that my G.I. had ever seen get such tumors. The type I get are reserved for people over 40.

I have digestion problems and have to take fiber. You know who takes fiber?

The fiber helps me poop (this is something Nikki would post on Facebook).

I have a bad IT (Iliotibial) band, often times causing intense ankle and knee pain.

I have Orthostatic Intolerance which means I get dizzy when I stand. Kind of like this:

This, only in my brain.

I have mystery attacks of gastrointestinal pain which have no known cause.

All-in-all, I am so much older than you. I have more old people disoders than you. I'm dying. I win.



Point two: Having tea does not make you old, drinking it does, and I'm sure I beat you regarding this issue.

Also, Earl Grey will kick Lady Grey's ass any day of the week.

Earl Grey in this corner, defeating your ass by pretending...oh wait...

Earl Grey: has a Master's in Chemical Engineering, is a third degree black belt, speaks 3 languages, and has an IQ of 160.

Lady Grey: pedophile.





Point Three: Sure, you've been rationalizing forever. Is that next to the sob stories of teenage life?

Also, another point for my oldness. I'm older than you, therefore, I am older.

Like that logic?

Finally, this:

For some reason I am imagining her talking like Lil' Jon or maybe Uncle Ruckus.

"You know that feeling when you're trying to give a presentation in Biology and you are trying to say organism but say orgasm instead?"

I was talking about Botulism!

Also, I love you a lot Kelsey! Continue to duel me forever...with real guns. 

 



Countering Rachel's Counter and That Feel, Bro

Hello again, some-funny-insulting-sounding-list-of-things-that-make-you-human!

I am countering Rachel's counter!

Yo, Dawg, we heard you like counters.

I feel that the reasons why I am old are completely valid and the reasons Rachel is old are based completely on ridiculous things.

Also, those drink glasses had wobbly legs.

Reason 1 on how Rachel was old was how she has backpain. Yeah? Well I have severe ankle pain and every morning when I wake up the whole right side of my body is numb. Therefor, if pain and aches were an indication of age, I am older than you!

Reason 2 on how Rachel was old was how she drinks a lot of hot tea. Well, bitch, I have a tea pot just for heating up water for tea! I have a whole Tupperware container, those huge ass ones, filled with at least twenty different types of tea!

The ultimate tea slut is Lady Grey. What. A. Whore.

Reason 3 on how Rachel was old was how she rationalized topics. Sweetheart, hate the break it to you, but I've been doing that for years. Ain't called getting old, s'called getting mature.

We are all sad for you on that one.

QED.

"Have you ever been so happy to be holding an animal that your heart grows ten times its size that day and for some reason you can't contain it and your brain tells you the only way to truly show your affection is by crushing its body with your hug? This goes for people, too."

Countering Kelsey and That Feel Bro

I noticed co-blogger Kelsey complaining about her not-so-old age. Plueeeease!

Co-blogger Kelsey. Nice cupcake hat Sad-Legs.

Me:

Yes, my tits are fabulous. Kind of like roid-rage, only instead it is Gran-rage.

Okay, I kid...or do I?

Mostly unrelated. Bow servants! I'm being serious here.

Kelsey will indeed be turning 20 this fabulous 29th of May. We are very proud of her. She has survived her mother and for this we congratulate her.

However, she is not old (*cough* BABY *cough*). Just as she will be turning 20 this year, I will be turning 22. I can already feel the crippling arthritis in my hips. Cheers to my deteriorating body.

Drinks all around. Just don't leave them around me or you may be in for a roofie type surpise.

I'm sure you are all dying to hear my list, right? RIGHT? Holla if you hear me!

Numero Uno: I have a habit of waking up with severe back pain (the kind that will make you weep acid).

Why have you forsaken me, Mattress-God?

Numero Dos: I enjoy drinking hot tea...like a lot of hot tea. So much hot tea that my blood is now 99% caffeine and sin. Tea is made of sin, right?

Fucking whore. Tea-bagging all that innocent water...slut.

Numero Tres: I rationalize all topics now. This includes religion, politics, war, and your mom (sorry that was my dying inner child seizuring).

Q: What do you throw to an epileptic who is having a fit in the bath?

A: Your laundry.

I could probably go on and on, and copy a good deal of what Kelsey spoke of, but I won't because a lady does not discuss peeing.

I mean, who hasn't peed on one or two of these?

Just kidding about the lady behavior regarding inappropriate discussions.

So, That Feel, Bro?

"Do you know that feeling when you are sitting on the sidewalk watching a parade and your boyfriend hands you his drink so he can get some food from the house behind of you (family friend's house) and you are watching the floats go buy and suddenly get extremely thirsty so you start chugging down the drink in your hand only to realize it is Jack Daniels and Coke and you are designated driver for the night?

How did I fall for your tricks, red solo cup. I didn't even fill you up. I didn't want to have a party (and I won't proceed to). You aren't my friend.

That Feel, Bro and I'm Old

Greetings creatures with advanced thought beyond that of animals!

Kelsey here. Today's post is a regular post, but, fear not! Because I am also giving you a That Feel, Bro at the end!

Because I care about you, reader.

First off: I turn 20 at the end of this month. I can feel the 29th looming over my head, cackling evilly as it reminds me of my impending age with a steady stream of taunts. Everyone tells me I am not turning old, but that date offers a differing...more terrifying...more depressing opinion.

Look at it. It smiles, malice upon it's smug face. Douche.

So, I have noticed signs of my old age. I have noted each of them with barely concealed grimaces of horror, but they are noted all the same.

1. I drink coffee almost every afternoon, much like my mother did.


Yes, Muon's Questers, I drink coffee entirely too much. Coffee, indeed, seems to be the root of many of my old age problems, but I will list them, anyways.

RELEASE ME, FOUL BEAST

2. I tend to pee more now than I used to in high school and early College.

This is vital information, questers! People tell me it is because I have been drinking more coffee, but, dammit, I pee twice during my eight hour shift at work! Twice! This is an obvious sign of my old age and have nothing to do with the fact that I work at Sheetz and get free coffee on my shift!

3. I sit with my mother and chat like a civilized human being, although I live with her.

Anyone who has seen my mother and I together know that we tend to...not get along. We both find each other immature and unbearable, for the most part. However, more and more I find myself making a big cup of coffee and sitting with my mother at the dining room table. Discussing my personality and how proud she is of me and my accomplishments in life. My future plans. Politics, discord, the fate of America. These are all adult topics and, dammit, I WANT NO PART IN IT. I tend to steer the conversation to My Little Pony or the Disney Channel. But...damn it all, she talks to me about it.

STOP MAKING ME MORE ADULT, GAH

4. I got excited for a magazine subscription.

I swear to God, you guys. I got my Psychology Today subscription issue and I about had a heart attack I was so damn happy. Because I'm old.

5. I enjoy time around my older family members, especially my parents.

This. Has. To. Stop.

Stop pretending you're on the Friends cast, life! STOP.

So, there you have it, folks. My life is a coffee induced nightmare of OLD.

Enjoy today's That Feel, Bro!

"You know that feeling where you have a birthday coming up so your mind just goes 'OH FUCK NO I CAN'T BE THIS OLD I'M STILL YOUNG PLEASE GOD TAKE ANYONE BUT ME OH JESUS I AM NOT OLD STOP GETTING OLDER SELF.' "

Okay, not really.

"You know that feeling when you figure out that you actually agree with someone you normally disagree with and then disagree with someone you thought you'd never disagree with?"

That Feel, Bro Thursdays (Kelsey)

Hello, ladies!

Look at your man, now back at me, now back at your man, now BACK to me.

You totally read this in his voice.

Ladies love me, actually, almost as much as the old spice guy.

Anyways.

"Have you ever been illegally parked in a McDonald's parking lot because you were doing a school related thing (such as, hypothetically, setting up chairs for a festival to raise money for a trip to San Antonio) and come back to Punk Rock kids standing awkwardly around your car?"

I have, bro. I have.

That Feel Bro, Thursdays (Rachel)

What is up chiquititas, you fabulous ladies?

Like this, only with less Dumbledore and more lady.

You men may be wondering why I have suddenly dissed you. 

No seriously, GTFO!

It is not that I do not love you. I do. However, this post is more for the ladies than you men.

If you use these to stop vaginal bleeding, you are probably in the right place.

If you use these only to stop nose bleeds from your hard contact sports, you are probably in the wrong place.

Here is a That Feel Bro post for women:

"Do you know that feeling you get once a month when your body wages war with you because it is pissed you didn't supply it with sperm to make a baby, and it begins to slowly obliterate you from the inside out, and you are just laying in a fetal position on the floor as an invisible sumo wrestler jumps on your uterus, and you're moaning in pathetic pain as you feel your death creep ever closer, so you hold out a gun to your nearest room companion asking them to shoot the demon out of you?"