Autocorrect and Spazzy Phones

My dear, dear Bucketsphere dwellers. What is it about autocorrect that makes life so fun?

Answer: everything.

So, Tyler's (aka Cherokee Thunder/Dances-with-Wolves) phone was being a dick yesterday. Spazzing and autocorrecting all his shit. Anyway, I give you a conversation between him and one of our sales reps, a rather attractive female rep:

Tyler types 'I'm at the loading dock' and hits send. His phone, in a blazing defiant moment of asshole sends 'I'm at the loading dick'. Tyler, immediately realizing his mistake types 'I'm so sorry' and hits send. His phone, not yet through with being a douche-rocket sends 'I'm so dirty'. Tyler frowns inside and decides that waiting might be the best option. It is.
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THE END
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Kelsey, I got a Tumblr like a while ago. Shut it. And why should I follow you? I don't know you.

I blew your mind. It's ancient history, like the pyramids baby.
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The whole world does not have a crush on Benedict Cumberbatch (from now on I will refer to him as Benecum - it's easier). For instance, Tyler does not. That is at least one person.
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Aw, you love me more than Benecum. That's coolio. 
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I have heard that they are remaking Sound of Music with Carrie Underwood. This. Fucking. Shatters. My. Soul.

What the fuck. What the fuck? What the fuck? What the fuck? What the fuck? WHAT the fuck? What THE fuck? What the FUCK? WHAT THE EFFIN' MOTHERFUCK?

Why the flying monkey tits would you cast a country singer as Maria? What the shit?

Carrie Underwood, while nice in her own way, is no fucking Julie Andrews. She should have turned that audition down. How disrespectful to the roll. I mean, really. What's next? Carrie Underwood as Mary Poppins? Chim-chimeny-motherfucker.

LOVE

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I'll trash the stuff you buy Liam. I'll be evil.

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No one reads this Kelsey. No one.

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I wouldn't laugh. I'm sometimes good inside. I want to be Kelsey's friend-book-reader-person.

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Gladiators are umpftastic.

Matthew Gray Gubler is the bomb.

....As is Josh Hutherson.

what

what.

WHAT.

WHATTTT?

WHEN DID YOU GET A TUMBLR? HOW DARE YOU? HOW DARE YOU NOT TELL ME? I LIVE ON TUMBLR. HOW DARE YOU. YOU SHOULD FOLLOW ME. FOLLOW MEEEEE. IM KENYAHP. FOLLOW ME. WE CAN POST STUPID STUFF AND TALK TO EACH OTHER AND BE FRIENDS.

WHAT.

THAT JUST BLEW MY FUCKING MIND IM NOT EVEN KIDDING YOU'RE SO MEAN ABOUT TUMBLR WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT WHAT ARE YOU EVEN DOING ANYMORE WHAT THE FUCK. THE FUCK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.

I do have a crush on Benedict Cumberbatch, but so does the whole world, so its okay. I have a bigger crush on you ;)

I think in one of his newest movies he plays a mentally challenged dude. And he sings a song he wrote to some relative that he's banging or something. I don't know. Everyone says it was heart-shattering.

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They are remaking SoM with Carrie Underwood. All my musically inclined friends are pissed. I am also pissed because I follow the crowd.

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I'll buy Liam whatever I please when I am rich. Maybe I meant one of those plastic ones, hmmm? The ones that little kids get? Hmmmm? HMMMMMM?

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If anyone is reading this, please comment. We are lonely.

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You'd laugh at my book. I actually think you'd like the character that is based off you. You'd hate the main character. You'd hate the male antagonist. You'd love a chick named Kayla that is a completely original character. She's ridiculous. You'll also love the twist I am introducing soon. But you can only guess what it will be.

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He is only a small part of the movie. But, yeah, I expected a beautiful romance and the whole movie was just so fucking sad.

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I disagree with all these hotties. Mainly because gladiators are not my thing.

Here's Kelsey's hottie countdown - Dorky nerd style.

1. Matthew Gray Gubler as Spencer Reid

2. Arthur Darvill as Rory Williams

3. Josh Hutcherson as Peeta Mallark

you cant tell me hes not a dorky fucking dude. hes perf.

thats it. thats all i can think of. they are all that matter. shhh. shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Stop. Kelsey is Hot and Bothered. Stop. Nuclear War. Stop.

Kelsey,

This is hilarious. You are absolutely hardcore crushing on him. So f'in bad. So very, truly, utterly bad.

To be perfectly honest, I never considered him ugly. Oh, not really. I just love fucking with you. You were so obsessed with him and Sherlock and him. Oh, and also him that I couldn't help it. You get so flustered when I make everything you like problematic and that is why our friendship is golden.

He's honestly not bad looking. And his voice could really stop wars, especially if he sang Hakuna Matata. Can he sing? Is there proof of that anywhere?

Guess what Kelsey? I totally have a Tumblr.

...And I totally follow random shit, including him.

~~~~I JUST FUCKING BLEW YOUR MIND DIDN'T I?~~~~

OMG, yes. Sound of Music is perfect and I'd love it more if Cracked.com didn't inform me that Christopher Plummer hated his role. Sad.
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Don't buy my son a car when he's 8. Even if you do hit the lottery. Just no.
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I'm fine. Thanks. I was just thinking about Super Troopers.
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Kelsey, why apologize. No one reads our blog. And if they do they should fucking comment. 
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I wouldn't laugh at your book. I want to know my character, or whatever character you kind-of-sort-of-not-really based off of me. I'm supportive like once every thousand years.
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I'm not watching that ever. That's fucking creepy. And it would remind me of Hard Candy and I'd get pissed off.
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I need a Hottie Count Down - Gladiator/Roman/etc Themed (any sexy war man really):

5) Daniel Feuerriegel portraying Agron in Spartacus: War of the Damned

4) David Wenham portraying Dilios in 300

3) King Leonidas portrayed by Gerard Butler in 300

That fucking body. Jesus fuck.

2) Spartacus portrayed by Liam McIntyre in Spartacus: War of the Damned

1) Thor play by Chris Hemsworth

That's war right?

stop

Talking about Benedict Cumberbatch is getting me unnecessarily hot and bothered. You should see him in Atonement. He plays a pedophile and hes really good at being unattractive and creepy. If that helps with your sudden obsession.

I am actually cracking up, readers, because not two months ago Rachel would yell at me and tell me he was the ugliest man alive and wouldn't let me talk about him or Martin Freeman at all. She would be so mean and make fun of me for being totally enthralled with his acting ability (and delicious appearance. I apologize to those involved with Cumberbatch that might google his name and stumble upon this. Really, I am sorry. I respect him a lot as a person and as a brilliant artist. But he is really hot, too.) and now she is more obsessed with finding out all this stuff about him than I am.

But its okay, Rachel. Its okay. You know why? Because you don't have a tumblr that follows blogs that specifically talk about him. I do. Mwahahahahahaha. Just...no one...browse my tumblr likes.

But, in all seriousness, I actually have all the pictures of Benny C in my likes because his facial expressions are perfect references for the story I am writing. While my main male character looks very little like Benedict, he is a goofy-approachable-adorable-yet-bamf kind of person that Benedict seems to be, so the facial expressions are perfect.

Actual face from an actual scene in Sherlock. I hope this helps, Rachel.

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Please track that movie down, yeah. While you're at it, buy Sound of Music so we can force Tan to watch it.

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mine too :( Don't worry. I will be rich one day with my talk show and I will buy us awesome stuff and Liam will have all sorts of cool things (like a car when he is 8) from his doting aunt and Tyler will probably be ignored but he can join us on vacations!

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u ok?

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That picture makes me feel much better. In a "why can't I be famous and dating Benedict Cumberbatch" kinda way. Or at least "why can't I be famous and be allowed just one conversation with Benedict Cumberbatch so I can tell him how much of an inspirational and wonderful man he is" because that could lead to nice stuff.


Sorry to anyone reading our blog. So sorry.

Unrelated, but I kinda enjoy, Rachel, that you are loosening up about Benedict. The fact that you so easily admit that you've changed your mind on him makes me believe that some day you won't judge me harshly for the book I'm writing ;) lol jk you'll still be mean about it which is why you can never read it.

Benedict Cumberbatch as a pedo.

How Dare I?

Kelsey, this is quickly becoming a chat room between the two of us. We just keep responding to each other rather than the population of zero people who read our stuff.

Good thing I went to college for a bit to learn how not to plagiarize just so I could take these pictures without giving credit where do.

Yay.

How dare I? HOW DARE I? I DARE WELL LADY. SO DARE DO I DARE THAT I DARE AS OFTEN AS YOU DON'T DARE. DARE SAY THAT I'M A DARE QUEEN?

Fine lady. Blah, blah, blah ladies and cast and blah.

BLAH.

And Star Trek Voyager? Oh ick. That one is the worst. 

I bet you just watch it because of Janeway. Urk. Gross.

The Original Series is where it's at. Followed closely by The Next Generation.

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I was unaware that he was ginger. Does he have a soul?

But no, really, very handsome in actuality. He's that unconventional handsome. Like not really fitting that Hollywood image, yet still incredibly handsome to the ladies.

It has got to be his voice. Seriously. He'd just have to say 'suck it' in his deep bedroom voice and one million knees would hit the ground so hard that patellas would be shattered. ER's would be overrun with what would come to be termed as Cumberbatch Knees. (Ho-ho-ho!)

With a motherfucking baby, Kelsey.

This lady explains perfectly why he is attractive:

http://www.heroesandheartbreakers.com/blogs/2013/04/a-batch-of-cumberbunnies-an-explanantion-of-benedict-cumberbatchs-sex-appeal

And thus coins the new term cumbergasm. L-O-fucking-L.

Fuck you Kelsey. You are getting me obsessed. The more I read about him the more I'm fascinated. God damn it.

Here's a real quote from him: “I’m always cast as sort of slightly wan, ethereal, troubled, intellectuals or physically ambivalent bad lovers. I’m here to tell you I’m quite the opposite in real life. I’m a fucking fantastic lover.”

Fucking hell.

http://popwatch.ew.com/2013/05/23/benedict-cumberbatch-shower-scene-star-trek/

Kelsey, I hate you. So very much. This was not supposed to happen. I blame you. I blame you hard.

This is a necessity:

That makes it slightly more bearable.

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I'm definitely going to track that movie down. I believe it's from 1958? I don't know. But it's fabulous, old-time sexism shit aside. And Howard Keel's singing. Umpf!

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I didn't win Powerball. My life is officially over.

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I'LL FIND THEM. YES, YES, YES, YES! FIND THAT MOTHERFUCKER NOW! RIGHT MEOW!

You stop that laughing right meow. What's so funny meow boy?

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I don't like guinea pigs. I was just thinking of stuff. Leave me be! I'd make money off those fuckers. So much money would I make!

Has nothing to do with anything.

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I obviously posted those so you would cry inside. I found them hilarious in a 'How Backwards Are We?!!! kind of way.

Here:

Shush now.

how dare you

HOW DARE YOU. THE LADIES ARE THE MAIN CHARACTERS YOU ASSHAT. THEY ARE THE ONES TELLING THE STORY. THEY ONLY BECOME THE SUPPORTING PEOPLE WHEN FUCKING MOFFAT TAKES OVER BECAUSE HES A SEXIST PIG.

THE LADIES RUN THAT SHIT HOW DARE YOU.

No, I mean I like the show. I watch the one with the lady captain every sunday morning while getting ready for work. I'm not saying I'm a fan, I don't think I've earned that title, but I will willingly watch the show!

Did you know hes actually a ginger? Be still my heart.

As I've said before, Benedict took the role because the fucking people in charge of star trek were dumb and weren't offering enough money for the role. So the other three people, all hispanic, that they asked said no because of it. If the stupid fucking people weren't stupid, you might have seen a delicious bronzed strong-man!

However, Benedict, I believe, despite taking the role for shit money and KNOWING he was going to put up with people's bitching, still did a wonderful job. And I am glad you are at least coming around to appreciating that he is a good actor. He is kinda my role model right now.



I fucking love Stockholm syndrome. I need to see this movie, apparently. I was sincerely doubting that they were kidnapped when you named them and then I saw that indeed they were. Sad.

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I will win the lottery. Good call. I'll win for the both of us.

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FIND THEM FIND THEM FIND THEM ILL FIND THE ONE OF THE SEXY BEARDED MAN WITH THE FISHNETS IF YOU DO

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that sounds adorbs. but you dont like guinea pig??

look at him smiling ahhhhhhhhhhhh ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Also thanks for those ads those pissed me off SO FUCKING BADLY WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT I HATE YOU PEOPLE NOW I NEED ANOTHER PICTURE OF BENNY C SO I DONT HATE MY DAY

awww yeah thats the stuff

Old Vintage Adds

Kelsey, could you imagine if these fuckers were still in print?

SERIOUSLY?! OMFG. Vintage ads are so fucking sexist.

Lady, seriously...

It is with utmost pleasure that I inform the Bucketsphere of Kelsey's complete foolishness. Yes, indeed.

Kelsey, your previous post really, truly, etc. makes me not give two flying monkey poos about Doctor Who. Your description makes it sound so incredibly boring and ridiculous that I'd sooner shoot myself in the eye with semen. That shit hurts like a mother.  

Strong female characters? Eh, who cares. I don't watch shows for the supporting characters....usually. Penelope Garcia is an exception, but even without her I'd have Derek Morgan so....

Holy shit, yes!

And Spencer Reid...

Fuck yes.

Yes, Rachel gives absolutely no fucks about female cast members.

And you like Star Trek? As in, not just the movie with Benedict 'Unfortunately Named' Cumberbatch?

Is it because of Chris Pine?

Can we get a fire extinguisher in here?

Because he is a total sex-pot. As was William in the day.

But I'm partial to...

Because I LOVE both of them to the extreme.

And for the record Kelsey. This is the vast Khan difference:

Take off your shirt Benedict. We need to compare pectorals.

Let the record show that Rachel officially (having re-watched Into Darkness about 10 times) kind of supports the Benedict Cumberbatch 'Khan'. He did better than I expected, although I'm still disappointed he wasn't half-naked, bronzed, and Hispanic.

*Sigh* Ricardo Montalban...

Two Weeks With Love (1950) - a movie where Jane Powell (lady above) become infatuated with Ricardo Montalban (also above) and is pissed because she cannot yet wear a corset (such a baby!). So she whines and cries and drops the 'stop treating me like a child' card until daddy buys her one. But her daddy is an idiot and buys a corrective corset thus causing her to get locked into an uncomfortable position. And then she can't breath. It really is good fun for all. 

Moral of the story? "If you whine enough for something it will come true, yet it will make karma kick your ass".

Speaking of old movies (were we really?) I have an extreme itch to see Seven Brides for Seven Brothers again. Also staring Jane Powell. This sexy movie is about Jane marrying a man, actor Howard Keel. 

This man. His singing voice is God. (This is from Calamity Jane). Tyler.

There. Look at that mustache. 

He needs himself a wife to tend to the house and take care of his six brothers (mostly named for Bible characters).

Let me just list the names of these characters because Jesus:

Main man - Adam

Main woman - Milly

Brother #1 - Benjamin

Brother #2 - Gideon

Brother #3 - Frank

Brother #4 - Caleb

Brother #5 - Daniel

Brother #6 - Ephraim

Kidnapped Woman #1 - Dorcas

Kidnapped Woman #2 - Alice

Kidnapped Woman #3 - Sarah

Kidnapped Woman #4 - Liza

Kidnapped Woman #5 - Ruth

Kidnapped Woman #6 - Martha

FUCKING BEAUTIFUL NAMES. Here are the brothers:

The sex.

When his brothers see what those weird women-folk can do, they want to get married too. So they clean up and go to a spring/summer picnic-dance thing. 

 

Everyone does this at picnics, right?

Well, those boys are smitten from the start. So they do what any respectable smitten man would do. They start courting those lovely ladies.

These ladies.

Oh wait, no. They kidnap them from the safety of their homes in the dead of night. And since it's winter, the pass leading to their house caves in with snow. Thus these poor, kidnapped women are forced to stay until the snow starts to melt in spring.

But no worries, this story has a happy ending. All of those kidnappers get tried and hanged.

Oh, wait again. I'm sorry. Let me correct myself. The women fall deeply in love with their choice of kidnapper and they have a mass wedding.

STOCKHOLM SYNDROME...anyone?

The moral of the story? "Women are objects and will marry you if you hold them hostage long enough".

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Back from my tangent:

Kelsey, your car sounds extremely unhealthy. Win the lottery and buy a new one.

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I'll have to find the drawings again. But I assure you that I'll post them if I remember.

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A guinea chin is a chinchilla and guinea pig. I'M NOT VERY CREATIVE! LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE!

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you are wrong for reasons

Doctor Who is broken into two categories: Classic and New. The New ones start with the ninth doctor and the companion, Rose Tyler, tells the back-story. So, unless you WANT to watch classic who, there is no point. Classic has the first seven doctors and then the eighth doctor had a movie in the 90s, but they are all technically the SAME MAN. Geez. Also, the lady companions are amazing. Rose Tyler is my favorite, but with the first showrunner we also had Martha Jones, a black bamf lady that was studying to be a real doctor and saved the fucking world and Donna Noble, a crash red headed also bamf lady that yelled a lot and was literally titled THE MOST IMPORTANT WOMAN IN THE WORLD. But Rose will always be my favorite because she was clever, charming, beautiful, bad ass, fucking amazing, and perfect. PERFECT.

Beyond that, the crappy graphics in the New dw are only for the first episode or so and then they figured out it was here to stay and it got a bigger budget.

Also I like star trek so we aren't opposites? I just haven't watched it. Also also, the new doctor who has better graphics than any of the star treks so you leave me alone. ALSO ALSO I sometimes forget dw is scifi because I'm too busy crying. I cry a lot.

these are the only three that matter until capaldi becomes the new doctor

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Did I tell you that my entire engine moves when I shift gears? Thats what that noise is. My engine LIFTS AND MOVES when I shift gears. But I am super happy you paid your car offfff!

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please scan and post them please for the love of god please

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hey. hey fuck you. fuck. you.

what is a fucking guinea chin.



Also yes.

futterwacken indeed

Kelsey Dear....

Ugh. No. I may drag myself to watch Sherlock.

Do you know that if you spend long enough looking at him he is absolutely terrifying?

Maybe.

But I absolutely refuse to watch Doctor Who. Yuck. Can you say pure crap graphics and too many Doctors? Because I certainly can. Because I live in 'Merica and I speak 'Merican.

Seriously. Too many. And every time there is a new doctor all I see on Facebook is 'WHINE. WHINE. NAG. NAG. NAG. NOOOOOOO. HE WAS MY FAVORITE. OOOOHHHHH. NEW DOCTOR. YAYAYAYAYAY!'.

That may or may not have been a little exaggerated all things considered. 

But I do hear a ridiculously obscene amount of jabber regarding Doctor Who. I can do without.

No ma'am, I'll keep my Sci-Fi limited to StarTrek. We can be opposites on this, like everything else. 

*Le sigh*

Don't judge me. I feel completely justified in my affection towards older men.

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But Kelley, for real. Can you believe I finally paid off my hunk of junk? Just in time for the inevitable break down. Yay!

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I keep finding those Mr. Mace drawings from high school. They are still utterly fabulous. I'm tempted to scan and post them.

Only a little tempted though. Just a wee bit.

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And now (because I most certainly can) random questions!

1) Do you have any pets?

Yes, I have a Siberian husky and lab mix named Wahya.

2) How tall are you?

5' 7"

3) If you were the Ruler of the World what laws would you make?

Oh, quite a few I'd imagine. Such as harsher punishments for rape and murder. I'd crack down on bullies, racists, sexists, homophobes and their ilk. I'd most likely abolish the death penalty seeing as our judicial system isn't perfect (see: corruption). But I'd work that fucker out. 

Of course I'd make all workplaces accept tattoos and piercings, as those are not things to be penalized. I'd enforce a mandatory pajama day every Monday workday because fuck the Mondays. 

Parking in a handicapped spot without proper markings and parking like a plain asshole will be punishable by extreme (and upheld) fines. No joking fuckers.

There would be no more of this fucking bullshit regarding transsexuals using the 'proper' bathroom. A parent would not be able to send their child to gay camp or force them to see a psychiatrist for the sole fact that they want them to change. Not happening bucko.

But yes, those are some things I'd do. And I'd be fucking loved by all you motherfuckers.

4) If you were a superhero what powers would you have?

Most likely everything, duh. But no. Um, something unique obviously. 

Got it. I'd totally be able to control any situation with my voice. Bunch of assholes? Bam, just speak sarcastically and their heads will explode. Need to break up a fight? Start signing Hakuna Matata and BAM MOTHERFUCKER! I just created World Peace.

Seriously. World. Peace.

5) And your hero name?

Sassylass. Done. That is now trademarked assholes. 

6) And outfit?

Perfect. Sassylass.

That's the fantastic and gorgeous model Ophelia-Overdose (http://ophelia-overdose.deviantart.com/)

7) Are you a good lover?

I feel as though answering that would be pretentious. Like YES I'M AWESOME. MORE AWESOME THAN ANYTHING EVER. I'D KNOW BECAUSE I OFTEN JUST DO MYSELF.

But is all seriousness, I totally give blow-jobs all the time. Like all the time. I also give anal. In fact, I'm pretty cool with most things. 

Come on, subject me. Make me your little slut.

Ahem!

8) What is your favorite holiday?

Oh my, probably a toss up between 4th of July and Halloween.

9) What's your favorite zoo animal?

Red Panda. Hands down.

10) What's your favorite alcoholic drink?

Well gee, this is tough. Of all time? Just one? St. James, Cranberry Wine is fucking delicious....but so is Piesporter, Goldtropchen Riesling. But so is Yuengling Lager. And then again, so is Jack Daniels and Coke. And also, Piña Coladas. Urgh.

NO COMMENT.

11) Do you want children?

Ha! A little too late for that one there.

12) Are you religious?

Kind of the opposite really.

13) Are you any good at pool?

No, no I'm not and every time I try to learn I just piss Tyler off. Apparently I am one hard son-of-a-bitch to teach. 

14) What's the highest you've ever jumped into water from?

Oh...I'd say 30-40 feet? Rough estimate honestly. We were kind of swimming in a quarry where we weren't supposed to be.

Like dis.

15) Have you ever been admitted to the hospital?

Yep. 2 months and 2 days ago when I had my little man.

16) Have you had any brushes with the law?

Speeding. Most definitely that.

But also physically (ooh-la-la). One time (okay several) I totally hugged a family friend who happens to be this awesome-sauce cop. So I kind of brushed up against his Kevlar vest and also his gun, taser, and mace. 

Doesn't that usually get people taint-slapped?

17) Have you ever done something heroic?

Um, I cried once when my grandfather killed a harmless baby garden snake. That's heroic, right?

18) How many pillows do you sleep with?

One. Unless you count Tyler, then two. 

19) What do you wear to bed?

Preferably nothing. But if my legs are prickly I wear pants. I hardly ever wear a shirt. I'm sure my neighbors love that considering the nursery has yet to get curtains (we just moved).

20) Have you ever fired a gun?

Oh yes. I quite spectacularly missed the clay pigeon with the shotgun. Something about not aiming for the pigeon but ahead of the pigeon. Blah, blah, blah.

21) What's your favorite 'clean' word?

Mr. Clean?

Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis

or

Sacrosanct

or 

Genuflect

22) What's your favorite 'dirty' word?

Oh, we meant clean as in not inappropriate. Got it. 

Now dirty...

Fuck.

Duh.

23) What's your least favorite word?

My friendship with Kelsey.

Oh, word not sentence.

Well then...

Kelsey.

24) What football team do you support?

Houston Texans

25) Do you have any scars?

My wounded heart. And where I lost my arm in 'Nam.

26) If you could breed two animals today to defy the laws of nature what new animal would you create?

A Sugarroo. Or maybe a Guinea Chin. You figure it out.

27) How long could you go without talking?

NOT LONG.

28) What's your favorite joke?

I'm partial to this at the moment:

Q - "How many Republicans does it take to screw in a light bulb?"

A - "None. They only screw the poor."

Har-dee-har-har. No offense to the good Republicans I know.

29) What's your favorite accent?

Australian.

30) What's your favorite saying?

Mad Hatter: Have I gone mad?

Alice: I'm afraid so. You're entirely bonkers. But I'll tell you a secret. All the best people are.

FUTTERWACKEN