Long time no see! No seriously, where are you guys? Fucking ninjas.
What the fuck is this?
Without further ado, I present you, my precious little gumdrops, with my random shopping list of last weekend.
So beautifully beautiful. I just weep.
Yes, that is my shopping list. Isn't it gorgeous?
"Aren't they beautiful?" - said small, cute Hawaiian troublemaker.
That is also an example of my horrible handwriting. Analyze it if you dare.
I triple dog dare you...motherfuckers.
*Item one is conditioner. My drawing is fabulous, don't be denying. I have the unfortunate tendency to use quadruple the amount of conditioner necessary when washing my hair...my shoulder length hair...This really leaves a problem when my shampoo is half-full yet my conditioner is non-existent (its okay, just add water to the bottle. It will last a few more days...a few more...I promise).
I bought TRESemeé Platinum Strength because the bottle was pretty. The smell is so-so. It works (in quadruple the recommended amount).
Blah, blah, blah! Blah, blah, blah! Ooh-la-la!
*Item two is oil. Yay oil! Remember that one time I poured you in a hot skillet and it caught on fire for a second? Remember that!!!???
Just like conditioner, I use an overwhelming amount of oil. Making spaghetti? Pour oil in the boiling noodles so they don't stick together. Frying mushrooms? Oil bitch! Stir-fry? Oil!!!! Fish? Oil, oil, oxen free.
That's right, ox! Stay the fuck out of my oil!
*Item three is butter. You know what butter is good on? Like everything.
This one isn't so much a 'use gargantuan amounts' thing, but a 'I buy the tiny container' thing. I'm cheap.
This is madness! This is BUTTER!
*Item four is bread. Kelsey, remember what bread stands for? Remember? Huh? Huh? Huh? Wink. Nudge. Shove. Push. Shank. Knife-fight. Kill the dolphins. Jumanji!
We have a problem with bread in our home. The boyfriend loves PB&J so he uses a lot of bread. All the bread ever. So you must be asking yourselves if I buy cheaper bread for him.
Like this! This is what I buy and eat!
You know what boyfriend likes to buy and eat?
This! This is not cheap!
Boyfriend loves potato bread. Potato bread is not cheap. It's like 4-5 dollars a loaf. It would be better if I liked it too, but I don't. So our home always has two different types of bread.
*Item five is toothpaste. While most people are tried and true Crest or Colgate fans, I am the opposite. I bop around from toothpaste to toothpaste like Taylor Swift and boyfriends. I'm always changing my toothpaste. I bought a mass supply of toothpaste from Costco. We still have like 3 or 4 large tubes left. Guess who uses that? Boyfriend does. I just buy a different type.
I'm obviously obsessed with toothpaste.
Why do we give this to kids? They just eat it when we're not looking. I want this available in adult sizes.
On a side note, who remembers SWISH during elementary school? That shit tasted like ass in a cup.
*Item six is mouthwash. I did not buy mouthwash because I didn't feel like it. We have half a container at home anyway.
*Item seven is frozen fruit. Nummy!
I bought peaches, cherries, and blueberries. They are delicious because I say so.
Yes, I'm a freak who loves frozen fruit.
Fall on your knees! Oh hear the cold fruit talking!
*Item eight is apples. I love apples. Did I buy apples? No.
I bought kiwi's instead. Because fucking kiwi's.
Why are these so delicious?
*Item nine is pizza bites. These were for the boyfriend. He eats them like fucking candy. I bought two boxes (each contained 15 pizza rolls). He ate them all in one sitting.
*Item ten is Sunny D. Like pizza bites, my boyfriend fucking vacuum inhales Sunny D. I don't know how he isn't dead yet.
The D, she wants it.
*Item eleven is grape juice. Yes, I totally cracked a Jesus joke on my list. I don't care if anyone is offended.
My intent was to buy grape juice. Instead I bought peach-mango juice. It looked nummier. It lied.
*Item twelve is deodorant. Deodorant is lovely and is something everyone should invest in. No really.
I had to buy new deodorant because I dropped my old deodorant in the toilet. I guess that is what I get for putting deodorant on 5 feet in the vicinity of the open toilet bowl.
I...I can't believe other people have done this....
*Item thirteen is strawberry cream cheese. I love cream cheese. I could eat it forever. Strawberry cream cheese just makes it better.
*Item fourteen is bagels. Well, fuck you all. Can't have cream cheese without bagels.
*Item fifteen is pork chops. Boyfriend and I made pork chops for dinner. Boyfriend makes orgasmic pork chops with cream of mushroom soup. This is obviously why we are dating.
Obviously, my list was too boring without notes.
The problem with lists is that they don't cover everything. In that store run I also bought Greek yogurt and potatoes. Oh, and black water. And other stuff.
That is why my bill was almost $90. I'm the worst shopper ever. Yay for me!
Adios questers! I have no more to say to you slaves.
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