It has obviously been far too long since I have graced you with my presence. Yes, you beautiful peasants, this is Rachel, your lovely goddess.
You all on the left, my obvious sexy nakedness on the right.
Have any of you ever just had one of those moments where you suddenly remember something after the fact? Like, buying yourself a brand of gum and then remembering you tried it before and hated it? I do that shit all the time.
Or how about the things you know with utmost certainty? Like, you know them so hard that you'll never forget them. I also do that shit all the time.
I am a fucking contradiction (tee hee, you can't say contradiction without saying dick).
Questers, these are the things I know (list up to 22 because that's my age bitches) and will never forget, unless I have a major head injury, get Alzheimer's, etc.:
1. Turkey Hill, Sweet Tea tastes like how a trashcan with a new bag smells.
No seriously, think about that next time you drink it. It's like a plastic trashcan with a new Glad Flex bag.
2. Kevin Hart is the funniest motherfucking male comedian on the face of this Earth. Fuck the boyfriend for introducing this hilarious man to me.
You'll honestly die from laughter the first time you watch this.*
*Note: he is crude as crude gets...so....yeah.
3. Sitting in a hot-tub to get warm and then jumping into a pool is awesome.
4. Deer are assholes who always run right in front of your car.
No, that's cool bro. I didn't like or need my car anyway. I'll just walk from now on.
5. Driving someone who is under the influence of drugs home is never a good idea.
Let me say it again Brett, a white car does not necessarily mean a police car. Stop yelling, crying, and jumping every time a white car passes us or gets behind us.
Brett, will you stop hyperventilating and laughing at the same time? What are you freaking out about? That's a fucking mailbox! No, it is not your mom! Your mom isn't a mailbox! What would she even be doing standing on the side of the road? Get back in your seat and put your seatbelt on!
6. Typing BOOBS and BOOBLESS on a calculator never gets old.
Har har har! Boobless!!!! You're boobless!!!
7. Saying a 'bad word' for the first time is the most exhilarating and terrifying experience of early childhood.
"Ha, doo-doo butt fungus face! That's what you are, granny panties pee-pee licker! Hee hee!"
8. Seeing a dog die in real life or a movie will always make you tear up...at least a little.
Even this movie made me cry! And none of them die!
9. Putting grape juice in a wine glass will always make you feel bad-ass.
Mmm, yes, indeed. This is a lovely vintage of Welch's Grape Juice. Excellent on the nose with hints of excess sugar and ripe, juicy grapes. An amazing sipping juice, with sweetness and a kick of tartness on the palate. The finish is long and drawn out, sure to leave you refreshed and tingling. Pairs well with Jesus' body, Lunchables, PB&J, etc.
10. Horses will be dicks just to be dicks.
Food now human! Now! I say now! *KICK, KICK, REAR*
*Dumps food* Ah, horse love human. Human and horse are the best of friends.
11. The scene in I Am Sam where Sam starts yelling in the restaurant will always make you feel awkward inside, and you'll gladly skip past that part.
Yet, you never want him to lose his daughter.
12. Belly dancing is NOT incredibly easy despite what others may say.
13. Dr. House from, well, House, is an asshole doctor and I don't care what you have to say about that.
14. Criminal Minds is probably the best crime show in the history of ever.
If this episode didn't make you cry...Seriously, some of the saddest shit ever.
15. Stepping on a Lego is Satan's way of saying 'fuck you in the ass with a rusty cancer pipe'.
16. No one plays GTA for the story line.
17. Disney owns the world.
This is also the evilest thing I can imagine. My Mickey Mouse shower curtain will never look the same.
18. All puppets excluding Sesame Street, The Muppets, and Fraggle Rock are creepy as fuck.
My parents bought my older brother this for Christmas one year. His name is Slappy. Mike liked to put Slappy is my room while I was asleep. Fuck you Mike and fuck you Slappy.
19. Nothing beats icecream on a hot summer day.
Seriously nummy.
20. Watching nerds play Magic is slightly endearing if you can get past the smell of B.O., unwashed balls, and virgin testosterone. Slightly endearing because they get fucking serious with their game and B.O. because I'm absolutely sure the vast majority of them don't shower...ever.
The only card I use to win when I play Tyler. At least he smells delicious and knows how to clean his balls.
To all Magic players, really I'm just giving you all a hard time. But have any of you honestly ever sat through a tournament? The air always reeks of rancid hairy ass and sweaty ball-sack. Always. Last time I went with Tyler (oh he's such a cute nerd), I sat next to this boy, who I kid you not, smelled like old vagina. How is that even possible?
21. Chef Boyardee, Spaghetti and Meatballs is deliciousness! I don't care how bad it is for you.
Fucking yes!
22. Quip It! is a wonderful game that you can never stop playing. If you ever get caught up in this game, please be prepared to never stop. Actually, you better sign away your life first before popping in the disk.
This game was designed for perverts and if the makers say otherwise they are lying.
Well questers, I think that's good for now.
Adios!
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