Hee Hee! Ohhhhhh! *crotch grab, pelvic thrust, moonwalk*
I had the sudden, and obviously fabulous, urge today to go through my work e-mails (we use Outlook, bitches!) and delete the unnecessary ones. If you have ever been lucky enough (define lucky) to have a work e-mail, you are used to the sorting that takes place when you arrive at your desk in the morning. You are used to filing and deleting the bazillion e-mails that accumulate overnight in your inbox. You are used to seeing the drivel that spouts out of your coworker's mouths, and you are probably used to going back to your folder titled 'Important Work Stuff', only to notice you've filled it with e-mails from so-and-so coworker detailing his/her dog's poop collectively over the course of a year. It happens.
While cleaning out my folders I found e-mails from 1 to 2 years ago that I just don't know why I kept. I found them funny. You may not. I don't care.
#1 - We shall call it, "How we treat those bitchin' customers".
Boss Man was in a rotten mood over his sales representatives' working skills. Apparently they just weren't interacting with clients the way he wanted. So we have this e-mail:
"Do not take the client's side over your employer's. The client is always wrong until proven wrong."Kind of like "The customer is always right", except not.
Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Fuck you client!
#2 - We shall call it, "Storm Alert Boss Man".
Boss Man wanted to warn about impending weather. Employee's make a hilarious thread instead:
From Head Secretary Lady: "The following is a message from Boss Man Weather Systems: A severe storm is headed directly towards PLACE OF EMPLOYMENT. This is not, I repeat NOT, a normal storm. Lightening is flashing, dogs are hiding. Approximate 40 mph winds. Secure any loose items outside. This concludes the message from Boss Man Weather Systems."
Hide yo' dogs because lightening be happenin' all over da' place.
Cue hilarious rebuttals from office staff, warehouse staff, and sales representatives, before:
From Head Secretary Lady: "Okay, so 2/3 of you think the storm I'm talking about is Boss Man himself coming to the office, which I can completely understand and find funny, but this is in regards to an actual weather event. Boss Man wanted me to warn everyone of the severe thunderstorm that is occurring at his home right now and is headed our way. I don't think it's nearly as severe as he's making it out to be, but he REALLY wants everyone to be advised."
#3 - We shall call it, "Duck Quest".
A duck decided to lay eggs in the mulch right outside Boss Man's office. Boss Man puts up fencing and a baby pool to provide for future ducklings. I have about a zillion e-mails with photos of the ducks doing ordinary things.
Titled: "First Challenge"
Titled: "Babies"
Titled: "Eggs"
Titled: "Clearing the gate"
Titled: "First Journey"
I understand that ducklings are cute as shit and all, but really? Titling the pictures? I'd say our office staff spent a good 2 weeks obsessing over these ducks.
#4 - We shall call it, "Deer Hunting".
I found an old e-mail from my father (he is the warehouse manager where I work). This e-mail contained a single picture. A picture of a gutted deer that was shot by one of our coworker's young sons. Does this sound like a normal e-mail to you? Seriously, this picture was sent around the general e-mail thread as a way of congratulations.
#5 - We shall call it, "Safari Murder".
Boss Man goes on safari's a lot...like once or twice a year. He'll just take off to South Africa for weeks at a time. And I can always remember when because my e-mail is then filled with pictures of dead animals: hyenas, nguni cattle, dik-dik, wild boars, zebras, etc.
This is a regular occurrence at my place of servitude.
#6 - We shall call it, "Gross dad, stfu".
I took a call for my father while he was out of the office and e-mailed him the details. He e-mailed me back the following:
"She wants me for my body. It's so hard to fight off these women. She's always coming back for more."No seriously dad, stfu.
#7 - We shall call it, "Accidental E-mail".
Head Secretary Lady sends me an e-mail of a shirtless Tim Tebow. I'm confused and just put the e-mail away into the dark abyss.
E-mail was meant for her sister, who also happens to be named Rachel.
Needless to say, I receive a lot of accidental e-mails.
#8 - We shall call it, "Monkey Business".
I received a picture of a dead monkey from Accounts Receivable Lady. A fucking dead monkey.
Unsure of how to take this e-mail, I questioned what she was doing with a picture of a dead monkey.Turns out it was a monkey that attacked a friend's dog. So of course my next question was, "Does your friend live in the US?". The answer to that was, "Yes, my friend lives in West Virginia.".
Answer me this. Since when do monkeys live in West Virginia? No seriously...
This is the actual monkey.
#9 - We shall call it, "Chimera of Doom".
Head Secretary Lady sent office staff e-mail with attachment titled Chad Ochocinco.
This is him.
"So what?" you may be asking, "She sent you a picture of a muscled black man". Yes, a muscled, shirtless, PETA ad Ochocinco. What's not to love?
An even better picture indeed!
But did I mention the little part of her cutting his head off and replacing it with her husband's? Her white husband? Her white husband who is definitely in his 50's? That decidedly turned a potentially hot picture into a not-so-hot picture.
#10 - We shall call it, "Security, what security?".
My workplace has an annual wine tasting event of mass proportions. This event is held on two days (consecutive Monday's), and features upwards on 400 wines, beers, liquors, and sakes. We have catering, sushi chef's, etc. We fly in our producers from all over the world. Over-all, it's a big event.
This year we hired security. A rather smart move when you consider the 350+ people who attend both events.
When this was announced to all staff, we received this response from one sales representative:
Such a man.
That's a normal response to a security detail, right?
This was the next response:
Honor, Honor, Honor, Honorable Suicide.
As you can see, our company takes itself very seriously.
No really, so seriously.
We never e-mail ridiculously or anything like that...nope.
Well...questers...that's about all for today. Send me your own stupid e-mails...if any questers actually read these crazy things...
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