Pregnant Rachel's Shopping List

'Sup Questers!!!!!

Long time no see! No seriously, where are you guys? Fucking ninjas.

What the fuck is this?

Without further ado, I present you, my precious little gumdrops, with my random shopping list of last weekend. 

So beautifully beautiful. I just weep.

Yes, that is my shopping list. Isn't it gorgeous?

"Aren't they beautiful?" - said small, cute Hawaiian troublemaker.

That is also an example of my horrible handwriting. Analyze it if you dare. 

I triple dog dare you...motherfuckers.

*Item one is conditioner. My drawing is fabulous, don't be denying. I have the unfortunate tendency to use quadruple the amount of conditioner necessary when washing my hair...my shoulder length hair...This really leaves a problem when my shampoo is half-full yet my conditioner is non-existent (its okay, just add water to the bottle. It will last a few more days...a few more...I promise).

I bought TRESemeé Platinum Strength because the bottle was pretty. The smell is so-so. It works (in quadruple the recommended amount).

Blah, blah, blah! Blah, blah, blah! Ooh-la-la!

*Item two is oil. Yay oil! Remember that one time I poured you in a  hot skillet and it caught on fire for a second? Remember that!!!??? 

Just like conditioner, I use an overwhelming amount of oil. Making spaghetti? Pour oil in the boiling noodles so they don't stick together. Frying mushrooms? Oil bitch! Stir-fry? Oil!!!! Fish? Oil, oil, oxen free. 

That's right, ox! Stay the fuck out of my oil!

*Item three is butter. You know what butter is good on? Like everything. 

This one isn't so much a 'use gargantuan amounts' thing, but a 'I buy the tiny container' thing. I'm cheap.

This is madness! This is BUTTER!

*Item four is bread. Kelsey, remember what bread stands for? Remember? Huh? Huh? Huh? Wink. Nudge. Shove. Push. Shank. Knife-fight. Kill the dolphins. Jumanji!

We have a problem with bread in our home. The boyfriend loves PB&J so he uses a lot of bread. All the bread ever. So you must be asking yourselves if I buy cheaper bread for him. 

Like this! This is what I buy and eat!

You know what boyfriend likes to buy and eat?

This! This is not cheap!

Boyfriend loves potato bread. Potato bread is not cheap. It's like 4-5 dollars a loaf. It would be better if I liked it too, but I don't. So our home always has two different types of bread. 

*Item five is toothpaste. While most people are tried and true Crest or Colgate fans, I am the opposite. I bop around from toothpaste to toothpaste like Taylor Swift and boyfriends. I'm always changing my toothpaste. I bought a mass supply of toothpaste from Costco. We still have like 3 or 4 large tubes left. Guess who uses that? Boyfriend does. I just buy a different type.

I'm obviously obsessed with toothpaste.

Why do we give this to kids? They just eat it when we're not looking. I want this available in adult sizes.

On a side note, who remembers SWISH during elementary school? That shit tasted like ass in a cup.

*Item six is mouthwash. I did not buy mouthwash because I didn't feel like it. We have half a container at home anyway.

*Item seven is frozen fruit. Nummy!

I bought peaches, cherries, and blueberries. They are delicious because I say so.

Yes, I'm a freak who loves frozen fruit.

Fall on your knees! Oh hear the cold fruit talking!

*Item eight is apples. I love apples. Did I buy apples? No.

I bought kiwi's instead. Because fucking kiwi's.

Why are these so delicious?

*Item nine is pizza bites. These were for the boyfriend. He eats them like fucking candy. I bought two boxes (each contained 15 pizza rolls). He ate them all in one sitting.

*Item ten is Sunny D. Like pizza bites, my boyfriend fucking vacuum inhales Sunny D. I don't know how he isn't dead yet.

The D, she wants it. 

*Item eleven is grape juice. Yes, I totally cracked a Jesus joke on my list. I don't care if anyone is offended. 

My intent was to buy grape juice. Instead I bought peach-mango juice. It looked nummier. It lied. 

*Item twelve is deodorant. Deodorant is lovely and is something everyone should invest in. No really.

I had to buy new deodorant because I dropped my old deodorant in the toilet. I guess that is what I get for putting deodorant on 5 feet in the vicinity of the open toilet bowl.

I...I can't believe other people have done this....

*Item thirteen is strawberry cream cheese. I love cream cheese. I could eat it forever. Strawberry cream cheese just makes it better.

*Item fourteen is bagels. Well, fuck you all. Can't have cream cheese without bagels.

*Item fifteen is pork chops. Boyfriend and I made pork chops for dinner. Boyfriend makes orgasmic pork chops with cream of mushroom soup. This is obviously why we are dating.

Obviously, my list was too boring without notes.

The problem with lists is that they don't cover everything. In that store run I also bought Greek yogurt and potatoes. Oh, and black water. And other stuff.

That is why my bill was almost $90. I'm the worst shopper ever. Yay for me!

Adios questers! I have no more to say to you slaves.

My Soul is Dead (Courtesy of Fucking Spiders)

You lovely readers probably do not know that I, Rachel, live in an apartment above a barn.

You may be thinking, 'well, that's disgusting', and you'd be absolutely wrong. It's actually awesome...save for one minor (*cough* major) thing: WILDLIFE.

I live way back in bum-fuck nowhere, surrounded by woods, woods, and more woods. The only break are the horse pastures which are also enclosed in ridiculous amounts of forest.

This is my life.

And here's another funny tidbit about me. I hate the woods, I hate the dark, and I hate being in a place where no one can hear me scream when I get slaughtered by Slenderman or some shit.

This is an example of what I don't want to see in the woods at night.

So of course signing a lease for just that is the smart move, right?

...Right?

You should see me walk the dog at night.

I wrap up tight, turn on my flashlight Droid app, and creep outside. I always inspect the front porch first before descending the 20+ fucking stairs with extra caution. Who knows? A fucking clown with a knife could be standing behind the second flight.

Little boy or not, no thank you!

I hit the concrete pavement leading into the dark barn and check twice up the hallway in said barn.

Ha! You won't fool me serial killers! I know you are hiding everywhere.

These are pretty much my *Racrazy thoughts at this point: Holy shit! What's that light? Oh, my flashlight reflecting off of the metal stall doors. Is that the face of Satan!? No, just the second trashcan at the end of the barn. OMG! What is that noise?!!!! Oh, just the horses eating their timothy. Jesus, what is that noise now?!!!!!! Whew! Just the automatic fly misters doing their job.

*Racrazy - copyrighted, all rights reserved by Rachel.

Once past the heavy wood of the barn doors I take flight onto the gravel and the motion-detecting floodlight powers on*.

*Note: motion-detecting floodlight also likes to come on when an animal walks by, a leaf blows by, an ant crawls by a little too quickly, a moth gets a little too close, or when it's raining. It is not comforting to be chilling on the couch, watching a movie, and seeing the floodlight light up. That could be a murderous escaped convict, but it is probably a strong wind instead.

The dog absolutely has to pee out of the comfort range of the light. He also has to poop in the woods, and only in the woods. Thus, he forces me to combine things I hate. The dark and the woods...and homicidal maniacs (like my brother, Michael).

The Boyfriend does not care and probably laughs at my terrified form when I sprint back inside.

Ha! You were only seconds from catching me Boogeyman. Only. Seconds.

No. Just. Fucking. No.

So to come back from my ridiculous tangent. WILDLIFE! 

Yes, living in the woods is a surprisingly great way to experience wildlife. For starters, the other day I found a dead squirrel (with no apparent injuries) floating in the horses water trough. 

What the fuck squirrel? Seriously, ruined my day.

I had to dump the water and proceed to chuck the squirrel in the woods. It was water-logged and disgusting. Dog wanted to eat it. Dog only understands the word 'no' when he wants to.

I love you dog. I do. But you don't ever listen!

Or, how about when I get home from work and am mucking the stalls. There is complete silence save for the occasional stall door kick from The Diva (*note* DeeDee the horse who thinks she is entitled to everything), maybe a few crickets, the occasional fly-mister episode, the thunk of wet shavings in the wheelbarrow, a whippoorwill or two, and then...a piercing howl? What the fuck is that?

The single howl elicits a collection of following howls, thousands of them it seems, coming from every direction. Oh God! I'm not safe.

Yes, folks. Coyotes. Everywhere. Every afternoon. They wait. They seethe. They hope to catch Dog. They hope to catch me.

So cute. So deadly. So fucking annoyingly loud.

The apartment was brand new when Boyfriend and I moved in. We were the only two to sign the lease. Just us. Only us. Not a million other creatures. I see you ant. I do.

What is your purpose here? Jack Sparrow sent me to settle his debt. (Fuck you Johnny Deppantman)

When I get a drink, an ant is chilling on the counter. When I wash the dishes, 10 ants are clambering in the sink. When I take a piss, an ant casually strolls by the toilet (perv). 

I also have a new best friend:

Ah, be my murdering partner always.

And the ants, to counter me, got a new best friend as well. I saw them in the feed room first. Slick bodies skittering away in the light. You will not infiltrate my brand new apartment! You hear me?

Fuck you. This isn't fair. Why torture me!!!???

My murdering pest-control friends are my salvation. And for all the money they are stealing, they are including spider-murder frenzy.

This makes me happy. So very happy.  Until this morning.

Dear Orkin,

Why? Why is it that while I was feeding the horses this morning I spied a spider chilling in the doorway of the feed room? Why?

Are you sure you are not using a steroid to pump spiders up? Because my soul is dead now. Do you know why, Orkin? Do you? 

DO YOU?

This spider was the biggest I have ever seen. EVER.

Bigger than a silver dollar.

This. No spider should be this.

Actually, scratch that. It was like two of those. And it was just fucking taking a break...in my way.

I could feel my soul shredding as it stared at me. It seemed to dare me to move past it. 

Actually, it was this:

God, it is foul. My soul!

That my dear Orkin, is a wolf spider. They have toxic bites (not deadly, just extremely painful), and are soul murdering bastards. 

I've probably haven't told you I hate spiders. I never thought I needed to. Let me clarify Orkin, I. HATE. SPIDERS. I have chills just posting pictures. I hate them. They terrify me. They should all burn. Fuck insect population control. I don't care. 

So, big ass spider was in my way, and I had to get into the feed room. I plucked up my courage and forged past, not making eye contact. It didn't move. Maybe it is dying, Orkin? Maybe?

When I finished feeding the horses I traveled back, morbid curiosity getting the better of me. A closer look turned up this:

How fucked up is this spider? Right?

And that was when I realized. This huge ass spider was coated in baby spiders. COATED. So long soul! I'll miss you! Goodbye - courtesy of Orkin.

And that was also when I backed the fuck up, skin crawling in dread. Fuck no. This shit was evil. Pure fucking evil. What the fuck, Orkin? Why have you forsaken me?

Do you know what Dog did Orkin? Do you? Dog sniffed Baby Coated Wolf Spider. Dog did that. Baby Coated Wolf Spider darted, and became Half Baby Coated Wolf Spider. Noooooooooo! Orkin!!!!

My skin. It squirms!

Orkin, this won't do. Orkin, I thought better of you. I felt we were friends and you used me! Please come back immediately and rectify the problem. Please. Mother Wolf Spider is dead in the trashcan. Babies are everywhere. Please Orkin. Mend our trust! Help me survive. This is your job!

Sincerely,

In a 'not cool bro mood' Rachel

P.S. I'll take back the ants if you will please just make it so I never see this again. Thank you.

On another note, a mama black bear has set up shop with her baby nearby. I'm going to die.

On another another note, a groundhog is tearing shit up.

On another another another note, I almost hit a deer in my driveway yesterday.

On another another another another note, why are chipmunks ninja fast?

On another another another another another note, why do I keep hearing a cow? I have no cows?

Maybe I should have rented in the city.

My soul is not cut out for this.

Boyfriend just laughs at me. He laughs. The spider episode this morning? He actually guffawed at me. Um, what? No blow jobs ever again then, dick-hole.