Irksome

There is something that positively grates on my nerves and it really shouldn't. This thing would be automated telemarketers. 

They drive me insane and probably not for the reason you think. For most people the idea of a telemarketer makes them want to scream 'JESUS CHRIST I DON'T WANT TO BUY ANYTHING STOP CALLING ME!'. That is not my issue with them. No.

I could take calls from real-life telemarketers all day and not bat an eyelash; however, those robotic automated fucks need to fuck off. 

Here's why:

1) You never wait for me to say hello before starting your message. 

Me: Wine Importer Place. This is R-

Recording: This is Susan with an important offer.

Like your offer is more important than my introduction? Fuck you Susan. Fuck you. I was trying to give you my name. 

2) They are always over-the-top loud.

Me: Wine Importer Place. This is R-

Recording: HELLO. YOUR BUSINESS HAS BEEN SELECTED TO PARTICIPATE IN A NEW SURVEY OF TOP BUSINESSES IN AMERICA. PLEASE RESPOND ASAP TO RECEIVE THIS SPECIAL, ONE-TIME OFFER.

Yes, I'll get right on that as soon as my ears stop bleeding.

3) They sometimes begin with an obnoxious noise.

Me: Wine Importer Place. This is R-

Recording: RINGADINGADINGDONGDONGDONGDING HELLO THIS IS JOHNATHAN OF JONATHAN AND ASSOCIATES. DO YOU HAVE BAD CREDIT? NO WORRIES! RINGADINGADINGDONGDONGDONGDING.

4) They can never get your name or company correct.

Me: Wine Importer Place. This is R-

Recording: RINGADINGADINGDONGDONGDONGDING *male voice* HELLO I HAVE A MESSAGE FOR *female voice* WEEN IMPOOTUR PLACIE *male voice* IF YOU ARE NOT *female voice* WEEN IMPOOTUR PLACIE *male voice* PLEASE HANG UP.

5) You cannot tell the recording to stop calling without listening forever and a day.

THAT IS ALL.

Thanks

Thanks. For all of that. Intensely entertaining. Thank you.

Thank you.
bless you.

Trolling Fanfiction

It is of my obviously humble opinion that some of the most hilarious, but not necessarily good, stories can be found on Fanfiction.net. 

For example:

We have the Sherlock (BBC version) story, titled dickweenie:

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7862736/1/dickweenie

I'm sure you can deduce (har-dee-har-har) from the title that this story is probably not to be taken seriously. Some memorable quotes include such gems as:

"John's man-carrot had never been more rigid."

And

"Sherlock leaned in close to John's luscious ear whispered seductively "Jawn. Jawn. I'm inside of you," Sherlock paused most dramatically "With my dick-weenie."

If you peruse the author's (Jim for IT) page - full of 2 stories total - you'll come to notice another story. This one is aptly titled cockwilly. Be still my ever-beating heart.

Gems from this include:

"John began to suspect that Mycroft Holmes, might indeed, like waffles. John was exceedingly proud of his new found super-duper amazingly fantastic deductioning skills, so proud in fact, that he immediately pirouetted into a double-back-hand-spring, sticking the landing with a mighty "KER-CHUNK". (Let it be noted that John's feet didn't make that noise on the desk when he landed. His mouth did.) On Mycroft's desk."

And

"Jawn, I have smelt your manly, musty musk from across the globe. And by globe I mean England. And by England I mean London. And by London I mean Baker Street. And by Baker Street I mean my dick." Sherlock paused, sucking in huge gasping breaths of air before rumbling shrilly "Get inside my butt.". John placed his hands sassily on his hops, "Qwat" he replied, hip lips pursed to the point of not existing. And that's an ass-ton of pursing."

I fully believe that Jim from IT is a comedic genius. Seriously. Meat-wand, schlong-dong, doinker, gentleman sausage, and gallantly streaming anal impaler are all words used to describe penises in these stories.

I am in love with these type of stories!

Example #2: Tempation by Septimus Butters (another comedic genius) - in my opinion.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7942515/1/Temptation

"Peeta bum-rapped with horror. "Wait, Hay!" He squawked, backtracking like a Tonka truck. "I'm saving myself for...um...someone special." Peeta knew exactly who he was saving himself for, but didn't want to admit his attraction for the beastly crone Katniss. Haymith guffawed like a cream on steroid."

Or this masterpiece:

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8464736/1/Macbeth-s-Soliloquy

"You like Skrillex? he asked Banquo."

"It's alright. I prefer James Blunt." Banquo said, not wanting to admit he secretly listened to Miley Cyrus."

"I love it when the synthesisers kick in!" Macbeth screeched, grooving in his saddle while the bass pumped loudly." 

Seriously. I am fucking dying right now.

 

Trololo

Kelsey. Kelsey. Kelsey.

Remember this?

Autocorrect and Spazzy Phones

My dear, dear Bucketsphere dwellers. What is it about autocorrect that makes life so fun?

Answer: everything.

So, Tyler's (aka Cherokee Thunder/Dances-with-Wolves) phone was being a dick yesterday. Spazzing and autocorrecting all his shit. Anyway, I give you a conversation between him and one of our sales reps, a rather attractive female rep:

Tyler types 'I'm at the loading dock' and hits send. His phone, in a blazing defiant moment of asshole sends 'I'm at the loading dick'. Tyler, immediately realizing his mistake types 'I'm so sorry' and hits send. His phone, not yet through with being a douche-rocket sends 'I'm so dirty'. Tyler frowns inside and decides that waiting might be the best option. It is.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THE END
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Kelsey, I got a Tumblr like a while ago. Shut it. And why should I follow you? I don't know you.

I blew your mind. It's ancient history, like the pyramids baby.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The whole world does not have a crush on Benedict Cumberbatch (from now on I will refer to him as Benecum - it's easier). For instance, Tyler does not. That is at least one person.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Aw, you love me more than Benecum. That's coolio. 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I have heard that they are remaking Sound of Music with Carrie Underwood. This. Fucking. Shatters. My. Soul.

What the fuck. What the fuck? What the fuck? What the fuck? What the fuck? WHAT the fuck? What THE fuck? What the FUCK? WHAT THE EFFIN' MOTHERFUCK?

Why the flying monkey tits would you cast a country singer as Maria? What the shit?

Carrie Underwood, while nice in her own way, is no fucking Julie Andrews. She should have turned that audition down. How disrespectful to the roll. I mean, really. What's next? Carrie Underwood as Mary Poppins? Chim-chimeny-motherfucker.

LOVE

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I'll trash the stuff you buy Liam. I'll be evil.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

No one reads this Kelsey. No one.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I wouldn't laugh. I'm sometimes good inside. I want to be Kelsey's friend-book-reader-person.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Gladiators are umpftastic.

Matthew Gray Gubler is the bomb.

....As is Josh Hutherson.

what

what.

WHAT.

WHATTTT?

WHEN DID YOU GET A TUMBLR? HOW DARE YOU? HOW DARE YOU NOT TELL ME? I LIVE ON TUMBLR. HOW DARE YOU. YOU SHOULD FOLLOW ME. FOLLOW MEEEEE. IM KENYAHP. FOLLOW ME. WE CAN POST STUPID STUFF AND TALK TO EACH OTHER AND BE FRIENDS.

WHAT.

THAT JUST BLEW MY FUCKING MIND IM NOT EVEN KIDDING YOU'RE SO MEAN ABOUT TUMBLR WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT WHAT ARE YOU EVEN DOING ANYMORE WHAT THE FUCK. THE FUCK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.

I do have a crush on Benedict Cumberbatch, but so does the whole world, so its okay. I have a bigger crush on you ;)

I think in one of his newest movies he plays a mentally challenged dude. And he sings a song he wrote to some relative that he's banging or something. I don't know. Everyone says it was heart-shattering.

~~~
They are remaking SoM with Carrie Underwood. All my musically inclined friends are pissed. I am also pissed because I follow the crowd.

~~~~
I'll buy Liam whatever I please when I am rich. Maybe I meant one of those plastic ones, hmmm? The ones that little kids get? Hmmmm? HMMMMMM?

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If anyone is reading this, please comment. We are lonely.

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You'd laugh at my book. I actually think you'd like the character that is based off you. You'd hate the main character. You'd hate the male antagonist. You'd love a chick named Kayla that is a completely original character. She's ridiculous. You'll also love the twist I am introducing soon. But you can only guess what it will be.

~~~~
He is only a small part of the movie. But, yeah, I expected a beautiful romance and the whole movie was just so fucking sad.

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I disagree with all these hotties. Mainly because gladiators are not my thing.

Here's Kelsey's hottie countdown - Dorky nerd style.

1. Matthew Gray Gubler as Spencer Reid

2. Arthur Darvill as Rory Williams

3. Josh Hutcherson as Peeta Mallark

you cant tell me hes not a dorky fucking dude. hes perf.

thats it. thats all i can think of. they are all that matter. shhh. shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Stop. Kelsey is Hot and Bothered. Stop. Nuclear War. Stop.

Kelsey,

This is hilarious. You are absolutely hardcore crushing on him. So f'in bad. So very, truly, utterly bad.

To be perfectly honest, I never considered him ugly. Oh, not really. I just love fucking with you. You were so obsessed with him and Sherlock and him. Oh, and also him that I couldn't help it. You get so flustered when I make everything you like problematic and that is why our friendship is golden.

He's honestly not bad looking. And his voice could really stop wars, especially if he sang Hakuna Matata. Can he sing? Is there proof of that anywhere?

Guess what Kelsey? I totally have a Tumblr.

...And I totally follow random shit, including him.

~~~~I JUST FUCKING BLEW YOUR MIND DIDN'T I?~~~~

OMG, yes. Sound of Music is perfect and I'd love it more if Cracked.com didn't inform me that Christopher Plummer hated his role. Sad.
~~~~~~~
Don't buy my son a car when he's 8. Even if you do hit the lottery. Just no.
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I'm fine. Thanks. I was just thinking about Super Troopers.
~~~~~~~
Kelsey, why apologize. No one reads our blog. And if they do they should fucking comment. 
~~~~~~~
I wouldn't laugh at your book. I want to know my character, or whatever character you kind-of-sort-of-not-really based off of me. I'm supportive like once every thousand years.
~~~~~~~
I'm not watching that ever. That's fucking creepy. And it would remind me of Hard Candy and I'd get pissed off.
~~~~~~~
I need a Hottie Count Down - Gladiator/Roman/etc Themed (any sexy war man really):

5) Daniel Feuerriegel portraying Agron in Spartacus: War of the Damned

4) David Wenham portraying Dilios in 300

3) King Leonidas portrayed by Gerard Butler in 300

That fucking body. Jesus fuck.

2) Spartacus portrayed by Liam McIntyre in Spartacus: War of the Damned

1) Thor play by Chris Hemsworth

That's war right?