yeaaaaaaah

None of those pics are showing up for me.

haha.
ha.

ha.

Funny Picture Compilation

Morning peeps!

I bring you this comic about depression....and I love it.



http://lotoflaughters.com/21-comics-that-capture-the-frustrations-of-depression/

I'm sure Kelsey will enjoy these on some level.

But anyway, I'm lazy at this moment so enjoy some pictures that I like:



Everyone should do this. Everyone.



What. Just what.


We should all play this. The whole world should willingly participate.



And now I'm bored. 

Seeya bucket-dwellers.

Well, that was fun

Thank you for that list of annoyances that I THOUGHT were going to be related and then last minute were not. They were excellent and, surprisingly, I agree with all of them.

I do not have a list of annoyances because everything annoys me.

Uhh so yeah. The last few weeks have been hell and they will be hell for a few more. I had two 24 hour work weeks in a row and this week was only 17, but it was spread across three days at 5:30 in the morning. I have insomnia or some shit so I haven't been sleeping, so that sucked. See, normally, thats not too many hours. Bearable, right?

bearable

But, uh, as I mentioned once, I am going to school full time and have had not only homework galore, but a shit ton of essays due and BAM exams, too. On top of that, I have been working on all the club stuff so, honestly, work has felt like a huge waste of time. Rachel makes fun of me and says that my club stuff isn't going to help me in the long run, but I sincerely beg to differ.

Anyways. So, just to update everyone (Rachel) on club stuff, heres whats been going on!

I had my Improv Night. It was a success by my school's standards and I am currently working with my panel to make it even better. Lights, music, more games, less audience participation, stuff like that. We are having weekly practices on Wednesdays. Otherwise known as the shittiest day of my week.

thank you i will. from the tears on my fucking face you stupid fucking bear.

So, my Wednesday's go like this:
12:00 - FPAC Meeting
12:30 - Improv Meeting while trying to find a friend to go to the SGA meeting to represent FPAC and also another friend to represent A Capella or we get no funding for either clubs
1:30 - Duo/Forensics practice. While my improv panel is still in the room being obnoxious assholes and Natalie is still there from FPAC and John joins us because hes lonely. So, a lot of people. Who, if I leave, still follow me.
2:30 - Class until 5:30
6:00 - A Capella Meeting
7:00 - Staying with all kids that don't have rides home yet to make sure they get a ride home
7:30 - Taking all those lost kids home including Bekah sometimes.

So, not a horrible day. Except, we can't get the theatre at 6 on Wednesday's right now so I have to text everyone, all 18 people, last minute and tell them where the fuck we are meeting. Which is stressful because NO ONE FUCKING RESPONDS TO ANYTHING I SEND THEM TO SAY THEY GOT IT OR EVEN A SIMPLE ACKNOWLEDGMENT SO THEY GET PISSY WHEN I RESEND THIS SHIT LIKE JUST FUCKING TELL ME JESUS TITS

i am so happy

So, thats my Wednesdays. Every. Week.

Today I am baking for the FPAC bake sale at tomorrow's talent show. Next week I have a tournament on Friday and Saturday. The following week I have off, too, for the Halloween Party which I am working the craft table of and so that we can go trunk-or-treating at the Drive-In. Rachel, you should come with us! Hopefully by then we will have a truck.

So, on top of all that, I also need to do homework, plan Improv Night for November (which takes a surprising amount of work to get structured), work on booking A Capella concerts and drum up interest, work on my duo with Bekah, my speech on fake gamer girls and why its icky to think that way, and my SDI from Welcome to Night Vale along with taking care of this stupid kitten.

Oh.
OH.
I'M GOING TO TALK ABOUT THIS KITTEN, OKAY?

THIS IS TUCKER. His eyes and face look much better than that, this is when he was still pretty sick.

I found Tucker outside of the gas station I work at. A lady approached me and said I looked like the only one that would care (turns out everyone cared, yes, but not enough to do anything about it) about this animal. He was blind and running around in traffic. So, I went outside, thinking it was the Feral Cats that attack me every morning when I pull in.

Well, halt the story for a second. They used to attack me. Now they meow happily and swarm my car. I walked out five hours later on Tuesday and there was a dead bird by my driver's side. I am terrified. Anyways.

So, hes running around and I click at him and he comes immediately to me. Happy, mewing, super excited someone is paying attention. Which is depressing because mom keeps reminding me that he is so friendly and comfortable around humans he probably kept approaching people for help and they ignored him.

So, my manager calls animal control and I stay out with this kitten. Customers bitch at me and tell me to make sure to wash my hands and to not touch "that disgusting animal". I tell them to fuck off. (not really).

Animal Control comes and I ask her straight out what will happen if he goes to a shelter. He has an upper respiratory infection and is most likely blind. He would be put down because of lack of funding and because the shelter is closed on Sundays, when I found him. I called my father and begged him to come get this kitten with the promise that I would find him a home in two weeks. He immediately says yes, probably because I am fucking crying because I am a big baby.

Dad and Mom (and Josh) come and get him, which was lucky because I ended staying at work an extra half-hour. My mom calls the vet and they tell us to put ointment in his eyes.

Well, mom books a vets appointment past the two week deadline. So, throughout this time, Tucker is exploring a lot. He climbs on my shoulder whenever I pick him up and for the first three days or so he sleeps most of the time. He won't eat anything except formula. Even then, it is in small amounts. And, he can't figure out litter pans, so he pees on the floor a lot. He also peed on my mother, but thats hilarious, so we forgave him.

We take him to the vet and the vet tells us that putting ointment in his eyes was actually wrong and we probably blinded him. Thanks, vet.

He sees a lot better now, though! He most likely will never regain full vision, so he is an indoor kitty. The vet prescribed something for the infection and something for his eyes. Tucker is doing much better! He is using the litter pans, especially my cat's litter pan, probably because he thinks Emma is his mama and smells her in it. He plays all the time! He still only eats formula, but has recently tried pasta because Albert is the only cat that tolerates him and shows him whats going on.

Alvin is jealous but nice to him, otherwise we yell and he gets pissy. He tried taking it out on Emma this morning. Walked up to her and smacked her in the face with no warning. She beat the shit out of him. Emma is terrified of Tucker, but thats okay. Tucker has his humans!

So, thats the Tucker story. He is a cutie and super sweet. He perches on your shoulder and really likes listening to Macklemore's Thrift Shop.

Thanks for listening!

A continuation...

Good morning my sweets. What a lovely frigid day (at least in my part of the world). How are you all? Bursting with excitement? Brilliant.

To continue on, probably much to the annoyance of the people who hated my last post, I bring you point #2:

People who use backed-up traffic to their advantage.

There is nothing like the dread and fuck-me-I'm-going-to-be-late-for-work feelings a person experiences when they see the brake lights and stopped traffic up ahead on a major highway or interstate. 

Ugh.

And truly, some of the biggest assholes come out to play during these days. 

I had the pleasure of getting stopped in traffic the other day. I was already pushing the envelope on my time to work (I'm good at that) and seconds after I hopped onto I-81, hoping to fly a cool 75 mph (the limit is 70 and 80 is reckless in VA) all the way to work, the Heavens decided to rend and spill gallons of Jesus' tears all over the place.

It was whiteout conditions. 

This - only worse.

People were pulling off the interstate or at least I think so. I wasn't exactly seeing shit. I couldn't even see the semi in front of me who was seriously right fucking there like seconds ago. I drastically dropped my speed so I wouldn't hydroplane or cause a horrible wreck. 

When the rain finally cleared and I could un-clench my hands from the steering wheel (seriously blind driving is not fun) I cruised maybe half a mile before - BAM - brake lights.

And thus I got stopped 2 exits away from my own (and let it be known that these 3 exits are all close together).

As I pulled off the road so the emergency vehicles could blow by me I sighed. Of course I'd get stuck in a traffic jam for a recent wreck.

Now this is where the assholes come in. Halfway between the exit I got stopped at and the next exit up road workers placed a sign clearly stating that all traffic needed to merge right because the left lane was completely blocked. For most people this should be a no-brainer - slow down where you are and turn on your blinker to merge over in a zipper fashion. Easy!

However, I got to witness Mr. and Mrs. Asshole Car and their dozen Asshole Car children. These are the people who ignore the sign and tear up the left lane like the devils chasing them, only to stop at the very last moment and jump over into the correct lane. 

This leaves people like me at the same interval, people who were 'next in line' already. But these specials dicks know they can jump a huge chunk of traffic if they act like stuck-up douche canoes and go for it.

Then you have the I CAN DO EXIT THINGS drivers who make the bumper strip their personal Autobahns. They speed up the bumper strip in hopes that they can squeeze off onto the nearest exit - and if not - merge right back into the fray. 

I'm not sure why these people piss me off so much. I mean, I'm going to be late anyway so it really shouldn't matter but damn it. I want to slash their tires with a machete every time.

WAIT YOUR TURN BITCHES!

3) People who do not heed emergency vehicles.

Are you fucking blind? Fucking pull off the road. Someone could be fucking dying and you're just impeding their help.

4) People who say 'try it, you'll probably like it'.

Bitches be wrong. With any new food comes analysis that isn't only taste. Food is a visual, tactile, and olfactory experience. If I think something looks like shit, feels like shit, or smells like shit I'm bound to not like it when I put it in my mouth - even if it is good. Our brain is funny shit like that.

Something irksome this way comes...

My dear little sunspots, aren't you all just so very precious. Kisses and hugs to everyone.

While being irked today at work, I came up with a few more things that drive me absolutely up the wall. In short, a few things that drive me fucking bonkers.

Bonkers! Wherever you, wherever you, wherever you areeeeee! Bonkers!

1) A completely hot button issue is now in effect for the duration of point number 1.

My first point revolves around the whole gun debate (say it ain't so). I'll give fair warning that I am more pro-gun than anti-gun, so if that pisses you off I suggest compensating by NOT reading.

It is my opinion (uh-oh OPINIONS) that guns should never be completely outlawed, only restricted. It's a belief that I shouldn't have to defend yet constantly am forced to. To do things a different way, let me demonstrate my view by rebutting the normal anti-gun spiel.

If you outlaw guns then the vast majority of America will no longer have guns.

Simply brilliant. Yes, that is true. If guns are outlawed then any registered gun owner will have to turn in their weapons or face legal action. However, there will still be a plentiful amount of 'bullet monsters' roaming the street. How many guns do you think have got 'lost in translation' over the years? How many unregistered weapons are still milling around? How many people have access to a gun that has been passed through so many people that no one truly has the original registration?

What about the black market? If cocaine can be trafficked, so can guns. And do you know who will be buying those guns? Could it be Barney the Dinosaur? Maybe Helga from Hey Arnold?

Nope. Most likely criminals. Shocking!

Well, that's what the police are for, right? 

Have you ever met a crooked cop? Would you be shocked to know they exist? Have you ever timed a cop's response time, that is, if you can even get access to a phone? One minute can make the difference.

So what, right? I mean, you'll have the odd stray gun, maybe some criminals, and a few crooked cops. That's better than everyone.

Well, what about those gunsmiths. Oh, didn't know they existed? Yes sir/ma'am they do, especially around VA and WV. I even know one personally. There are people who make their own guns and some never took one measly class. Good luck tracking them down.

So what again? I mean, now you just add on a few happy gun-making wackos. Whatever. Not a big deal.

Does anyone stop to wonder why we have such an uproar about this?

Let's get hypothetical now. Okay, all guns are outlawed. Only the stragglers, black market dealing criminals, cops, and military are in possession. The number is way down. Let's check out our crime rates dealing with gun violence. Are they starting to decline? Probs. Defs. Yep. Well, that's good. Now what?

Are home invasions, carjacking, robberies, etc. still happening. Certainly. After all, remember this children:

GUNS DON'T KILL PEOPLE, THEY ARE A TOOL PEOPLE USE TO KILL PEOPLE.

Lovely. Now, remember that police response time once more and tell me you'll be safe and cozy once that criminal breaks into your home. He doesn't have a gun now? Well, great! He won't shoot me! That's awesome. Problem is I don't have anything to outdo him either. Sweet.

You will always have the advantage in your own home.

Really now? I'm a woman and as much as I'd like to proclaim my awesome-sauceness I'm just that, a woman. Now, I'm not saying women are weak. I'm just saying that the probability of me outdoing a man is slim, even if I'm fighting for my family. I'm not exactly Bruce Lee here.

There are other weapons at your disposal: mace, knives, lamps, tasers, etc.

This is true; however, here's my problem. I'd have to get fairly close with mace. That isn't something I'd like to do near a brute of a man/woman, even if it's pitch dark in my house. Even if I managed to get him/her, well, then I'm going to have a lumbering blind idiot in my house who is now staggering towards me and probably swinging their arms (they probably will have a weapon too). Knives, lamps, tasers are all things that could not get me the chance I need. 

I don't want to kill anyone but get real. I have a boyfriend. I have a son. Why would I ever want to risk their lives by trying to subdue a criminal instead of simply ending said criminal? Taking away my gun would give me a disadvantage I wouldn't want. Disagree all you want.

You'll shoot your own family members. Statistics prove it more likely.

I wonder why. Could it be because you are statistically more likely to be around your family than an intruder? No really? Go on with your bad self! I never claimed that there weren't idiots in the world.

These are all rare circumstances. You'll most likely never need a gun.

Again. This is true. But shouldn't I have the right...just in case?

How about the government? I seem to remember something about people being allowed to overthrow a government is said government is no longer acting in the best interests of her people. Too bad that if it ever came to it we'd be defenseless.

I know this all just pointless drivel. I know the pro-gun and anti-gun side will never get along. I also know that any of my answers would be battled vehemently by an anti-gun believer.

Ah, it's lovely.

2) Well, I'll save this for tomorrow! :)

Irksome

There is something that positively grates on my nerves and it really shouldn't. This thing would be automated telemarketers. 

They drive me insane and probably not for the reason you think. For most people the idea of a telemarketer makes them want to scream 'JESUS CHRIST I DON'T WANT TO BUY ANYTHING STOP CALLING ME!'. That is not my issue with them. No.

I could take calls from real-life telemarketers all day and not bat an eyelash; however, those robotic automated fucks need to fuck off. 

Here's why:

1) You never wait for me to say hello before starting your message. 

Me: Wine Importer Place. This is R-

Recording: This is Susan with an important offer.

Like your offer is more important than my introduction? Fuck you Susan. Fuck you. I was trying to give you my name. 

2) They are always over-the-top loud.

Me: Wine Importer Place. This is R-

Recording: HELLO. YOUR BUSINESS HAS BEEN SELECTED TO PARTICIPATE IN A NEW SURVEY OF TOP BUSINESSES IN AMERICA. PLEASE RESPOND ASAP TO RECEIVE THIS SPECIAL, ONE-TIME OFFER.

Yes, I'll get right on that as soon as my ears stop bleeding.

3) They sometimes begin with an obnoxious noise.

Me: Wine Importer Place. This is R-

Recording: RINGADINGADINGDONGDONGDONGDING HELLO THIS IS JOHNATHAN OF JONATHAN AND ASSOCIATES. DO YOU HAVE BAD CREDIT? NO WORRIES! RINGADINGADINGDONGDONGDONGDING.

4) They can never get your name or company correct.

Me: Wine Importer Place. This is R-

Recording: RINGADINGADINGDONGDONGDONGDING *male voice* HELLO I HAVE A MESSAGE FOR *female voice* WEEN IMPOOTUR PLACIE *male voice* IF YOU ARE NOT *female voice* WEEN IMPOOTUR PLACIE *male voice* PLEASE HANG UP.

5) You cannot tell the recording to stop calling without listening forever and a day.

THAT IS ALL.

Thanks

Thanks. For all of that. Intensely entertaining. Thank you.

Thank you.
bless you.

Trolling Fanfiction

It is of my obviously humble opinion that some of the most hilarious, but not necessarily good, stories can be found on Fanfiction.net. 

For example:

We have the Sherlock (BBC version) story, titled dickweenie:

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7862736/1/dickweenie

I'm sure you can deduce (har-dee-har-har) from the title that this story is probably not to be taken seriously. Some memorable quotes include such gems as:

"John's man-carrot had never been more rigid."

And

"Sherlock leaned in close to John's luscious ear whispered seductively "Jawn. Jawn. I'm inside of you," Sherlock paused most dramatically "With my dick-weenie."

If you peruse the author's (Jim for IT) page - full of 2 stories total - you'll come to notice another story. This one is aptly titled cockwilly. Be still my ever-beating heart.

Gems from this include:

"John began to suspect that Mycroft Holmes, might indeed, like waffles. John was exceedingly proud of his new found super-duper amazingly fantastic deductioning skills, so proud in fact, that he immediately pirouetted into a double-back-hand-spring, sticking the landing with a mighty "KER-CHUNK". (Let it be noted that John's feet didn't make that noise on the desk when he landed. His mouth did.) On Mycroft's desk."

And

"Jawn, I have smelt your manly, musty musk from across the globe. And by globe I mean England. And by England I mean London. And by London I mean Baker Street. And by Baker Street I mean my dick." Sherlock paused, sucking in huge gasping breaths of air before rumbling shrilly "Get inside my butt.". John placed his hands sassily on his hops, "Qwat" he replied, hip lips pursed to the point of not existing. And that's an ass-ton of pursing."

I fully believe that Jim from IT is a comedic genius. Seriously. Meat-wand, schlong-dong, doinker, gentleman sausage, and gallantly streaming anal impaler are all words used to describe penises in these stories.

I am in love with these type of stories!

Example #2: Tempation by Septimus Butters (another comedic genius) - in my opinion.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7942515/1/Temptation

"Peeta bum-rapped with horror. "Wait, Hay!" He squawked, backtracking like a Tonka truck. "I'm saving myself for...um...someone special." Peeta knew exactly who he was saving himself for, but didn't want to admit his attraction for the beastly crone Katniss. Haymith guffawed like a cream on steroid."

Or this masterpiece:

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8464736/1/Macbeth-s-Soliloquy

"You like Skrillex? he asked Banquo."

"It's alright. I prefer James Blunt." Banquo said, not wanting to admit he secretly listened to Miley Cyrus."

"I love it when the synthesisers kick in!" Macbeth screeched, grooving in his saddle while the bass pumped loudly." 

Seriously. I am fucking dying right now.

 

Trololo

Kelsey. Kelsey. Kelsey.

Remember this?