Uh, no thanks dad. I'm fine with not sucking cock for cocaine money.
Oh God, I heart Kevin Hart. I heart him hard.
LOL! I just wish someone had the balls to say this to a teacher.
Okay, okay...enough with this amazing man. Instead I will give you insight into the world of pregnancy dreams.
Personally, I have never had normal dreams (as evident by this). My dreams have always been sort of crazy, complete with a dash of madness. And these were dreams before Tyler (Satan) laid fertile seed in my womb.
However, with this pregnancy I have realized I don't quite know crazy. This is why you all must be informed, lest you become pregnant yourselves.
If you were to look up 'good' pregnancy symptoms you'd be greeted by the myriad of bullshit that I have not experienced (save for the dreams):
*Glowing skin devoid of wear and tear. Ha, WP has so far given me a nice dose of oily skin complete with some acne (oh so beautiful).
*Shinier, thicker hair. My hair is certainly thick but it has not been treated with extra shine and eradication of all split-ends by pregnancy hormones.
*Oh, bigger boobs! That's nice! Yes, I have bigger boobs, but the fun is certainly taken away by milk leakage...four months before WP's due date.
*No periods! Well, this one I have. It is most good.
*Dreams! Most pregnancy websites/books/so-and-so said so will lead you to the conclusion that your dreams while pregnant will be filled with hot, six-pack rocking, v-hip popping, long-donged toting, handsome hunks of men just waiting to ravish you (you oh so delectable piece of pregnant whale). And while it's true that I have had a few steamy dreams (featuring the one and only love of my life, Tyler), I can't say the majority of my dreams have been as such.
So...without further hold-up let me introduce you to the Hell that was my dream last night. Which I have no doubt was caused by my pregnancy.
Let's start of by setting the mood. It is cheerful and sunny and early winter. Almost all the leaves are on the ground and it is still fairly warm.
Tyler and I have just arrived at my grandmother's house! Yes, the house in the woods where the Rachel Rachel Hunger Games took place.
Everything is normal, nothing out of place, nothing odd, nothing...
I say hello to my grandmother and start chatting. It's not long before the dream turns a bit strange. I turn to the island in her kitchen and take a seat. I'm obviously immature so I start swiveling the bar seat back and forth. Suddenly there's a random person beside of me. This person is just a small child, a boy who I have never met (but of course I have because they say you have seen or met all of the people in your dreams). Anyway, this boy is apparently my 7-year old cousin. I never get a name and dream me totally has no qualms with 'random boy' being my cousin. In fact, dream me acted like I knew said cousin my whole life. Nothing weird there.
I sit down awhile and chat with the boy. He likes to color and paint (frankly likes art altogether). I asked him why he was just sitting at the counter instead of playing outside (it was nice). He told me he was waiting on a friend. I somehow failed to notice the cringe my grandmother made at that point in time (I remembered it later).
That answer was swell with me. I mean, friends are the bomb. It was then that I went outside to chat with Tyler who was smoking (like always). We both saw the 'friend' come (another boy with sandy hair, wearing a red hoodie and blue jeans - this outfit is important later!). However, we never saw the boy leave. Of course, this wasn't strange to dream me. Why would it be?
So the friend must be inside playing? Nope. I went back inside and my cousin was sitting at the table once more. I asked him where his friend was and he said "he had to go home", then he smiled, large and fake, and I shrugged. Dream me still thought nothing of it.
At this point I went back outside and asked Tyler to go for a walk with me.
Here is where the mood changes a little. It is darker and more creepy feeling.
My grandmother lives on a dirt road way back in the middle of nowhere. Her house is surrounded by woods. You can easily paint the scene. Imagine a beat up dirt road (big enough for vehicles to pass on), woods all around (and it's the end of Fall so most leaves are now on the ground creating a look of stillness and death), the sky is overcast and gray, and a slight wind is blowing. It's lovely, no?
Cue more weirdness. As Tyler and I are walking back towards the house, jackets pulled tight against the breeze, I have a sudden moment of clarity regarding this situation.
Rachel: "Tyler, do you find it weird that my cousin had his friend over for only a few minutes?"
Tyler: "Babe, he was probably dropping something off or something."
Rachel: "But, why didn't we see him leave? We were standing on the front porch the whole time he was here."
Tyler: "Maybe he went out the back?"
Rachel: "Why would a guest go out a back entrance? It's just weird."
Tyler: "If he's been here before it wouldn't be too weird. Come to think of it, he walked up the road to the house, he wasn't dropped off. Maybe he went back home through the woods out back?"
Rachel: "I just have a bad feeling. I know I shouldn't, but I do. You should have seen the way my cousin smiled when he told me his friend had left, like he knew something I didn't."
Tyler: "He's seven. You're just being paranoid."
*Okay, I should note here that I was extremely upset for no reason that Tyler was arguing against me. Even if I was being irrational, and I was, dream me just didn't think so. Of course, being my dream and all, it turns shitty.*
This is where a completely improbable event happens. A giant basketball whistles from the sky, smacks the ground in front of me, and whizzes into the woods to our right.
...And this is where shit gets not so awesome.
Tyler and I let our gazes roam after the ball. What is that...? WHAT IS THAT? Oh, nothing...just a body hanging in a tree. Oh look at that...another one. And another. And another. Oh, one more.
In fact, the trees were loaded with bodies just hanging in the wind. It was then that we heard a plip-plip-plip-plop-plop-plop, like water smacking the ground. The last body in the row was slowly dripping drop after drop of blood onto the leaf-covered ground. This body was covered in a red hoodie and blue jeans, although both were soaked through with the blood. The 'friend' had been slashed all the way down.
*Now, let's get something clear. In the real world, it wouldn't take a basketball/sign of God to get someone to see dozens of bodies hanging by the road...in leafless trees. It also would be a safe bet to assume the friend ran into a big foe (because who in the fuck could lift a body, kid or not, into a tree to be hung and gutted).*
However, dream Tyler and I had to be directed to the bodies and made the best assumption possible. Little cousin was a devious murdering psychopath.
We ran back to the house, Tyler staying on the porch as some type of guard. Don't know why he did that because that would not be cool in the real world. I went inside, WITHOUT Tyler.
I found my grandmother outside the laundry room. She was not looking my way but I made sure to confront her.
Rachel: "Did you know that my cousin was a murderer? Jesus, there are at least 20 bodies out there in those trees! Why would you let the friend come over? Just Jesus!"
Grandmother: "Yes, I knew what he was doing. If I didn't let the friend come, he'd go to the friend. It didn't matter."
*Let's make another thing clear. My grandmother is extremely religious and would not put up with murder, no matter who the murderer was. So in a way, it's kind of funny, you know, if dream me weren't absolutely freaking out.*
Rachel: "How long has this been going on?"
Grandmother: "A few months. He just won't stop. He says it's fun and keeps him occupied."
Rachel: "This isn't a fucking video game! This is real life! This is real life and a seven year old is fucking butchering people! Where is he?"
Grandmother: "I don't know. He always slips away for peace after...well...the activity."
*Note: I get extremely frustrated her at my grandmother's lack of humanity.*
After this I open the laundry room door and am greeted by Cuddy and Cameron from House (I don't know why). They are doing laundry.
Rachel: "We should get him locked up. He just can't kill people."
Cuddy: "Do you know how they treat children in mental facilities? They'll assume he kills because of some trauma is his past life."
Rachel: "And that's bad because?"
Cuddy: "It's not necessarily true."
Rachel: "Well, we can't just let him kill people!"
Cameron: "Better for him that he not go through the pain of treatment."
Rachel: "Are you all fucking serious? Why is no one taking this seriously?"
In my anger I jerk open the washer and come face-to-face with my cousin's blood spattered clothing and knife.
And then I proceed to wake up via Tyler's alarms.
All is well with the world.
But seriously pregnant body, what the actually flipping motherfucking fuck?
I'm serious. Not cool bro. Not cool.
Because God fucking damn it, you fucking dream.
As always, my dream did not frighten me. I wasn't even scared or upset during, except for when people were pissing me off. But how sketchy is that shit?
Adios questers.
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