Cars...and how people decorate them

Questers, Rachel comes with many agitations.

Why do so many people do stupid things to their cars?

I don't mean the occasional bumper sticker or magnet. Hell, I have two at the moment. 

Who hasn't seen this fucker?

I'm talking about the people who perfectly obliterate their car by trying to make a point.

Just stop. No one cares. Like really. I'm an Atheist and think you're stupid.

My first example is a Jeep Wrangler (coincidentally or not, Kelsey's favorite) that I stopped behind of this morning.

We all know a key feature of Jeeps is the tire in the back. Most people keep this extra tire covered. Sometimes they even cover it with a funny logo or saying. 

Who hasn't seen this at least once? (Yes, I know. Not a Jeep Wrangler)

Or...

Oh, hey Kelsey. This seems like you.

My point being that this Jeep could have had any covering. Anything at all. You know what this person chose?

I'll try to sum it up as best I can:

"JESUS SAVED MY SOUL. HE SAVED YOURS TOO. WE ARE A WORLD OF SIN. A WORLD THAT NEEDS PURGED OF SIN. I AM FREE OF SIN FOR I KNOW THE LORD IS MY GUIDING LIGHT, SHEPHERD, MARTYR. JESUS DIED. HE DIED FOR ME. HE DIED. SIN. SIN. SINNY SIN. SIN. SIN. SIN. ALL SIN SHALL PERISH. SIN."

I wasn't quite sure what to make of that, considering some of the words were red and some were yellow, though the majority were white. I was confused. 

I detest when anyone uses their vehicle for a battle ground. I don't mind the everyday 'Jesus Loves Me', Jesus fish, 'Jesus died for me' bumper stickers that most religious people have one or two of. I do however mind the blatant waste of money that this person put into his vehicle to blare his opinion. Does that make me bad?

You may be saying to yourselves that it's just a cover, so what? Well, as I passed him I noticed he had highly detailed artwork strewn down the sides of the gray Jeep. Giant black dragons twirled around his wheel panels, resting gently on the giant, bold, red words of REVELATIONS. 

Once again, a waste of money. Really? That's what you want to use your money for? Preaching to the masses of other cars that either don't notice or don't give a damn?

You could have used that money for, oh, I don't know, funding an educational seminar for youths who are going awry in the world? You could have donated to religious charities or helped some cause. You know, something Jesus totally would have done.

Rachel, really, get off your soapbox.

This also brings to mind a car that I see fairly often in town. I call it the 'Anti-Abortion Mobile'. This person has made it their personal duty to plaster their entire car in anti-abortion crud. 

You can only see dead baby bumper stickers so many times before you're just like 'HOLY FUCK'. Maybe that's the point?

Like really? Is it so necessary to put a picture of a full-term baby on your car and state that abortion always kills full-term babies? Which we all know is pure bull.

Is it really necessary to have so many bumper stickers that your entire car is covered, including your rear windshield?

You know what you could have done with the money you spent on those bumper stickers? You could have educated the youth on birth control and what you think abortion means. You could have have donated it to group homes of unwanted children. Really, also something Jesus would have done.

OMG, off the soapbox!

And my final car (it's a shame I don't see many others with cool shit), is the Nobama Jeep.

This is a Jeep Cherokee that cruises around town. It has the lovely license plate of Nobama. It is also coated to death with anti-Obama bumper stickers. So many bumper stickers. So many.

It is probably more covered than the above car.

What the waste of money on this? We all know people hate Obama. There will always be people who hate the president. Always. 

Money-wise, get out and promote your candidate. Get out and raise money for your political party. Don't just inundate your vehicle with hate stickers.

Step down, Rachel. Down.

The problem with these vehicles isn't the inherent preaching that happens, although no one likes to be preached at. They are entitled to their opinions like anyone else. The problem is what they make people think. 

I'd honestly be pretty fearful of talking to any of the above vehicle owners. It doesn't matter if they are nice. They just made themselves seem like crazy, bat-shit insane psychos with their propaganda. I see a car with a 'Jesus is my Savior' bumper sticker, I'm like 'cool, they are probably nice'. I see REVELATIONS (with accompanied dragon) and I think 'Nope, nothing to see nor do here'. The owner probably has twenty Bibles and will throw Holy Water on me.

I see a car with an 'abortion is murder' sticker and I'm like 'not my opinion but whatever'. I see MURDER, BABY, MURDER, MURDER, MURDER (with accompanied dead baby eyes) and I think 'This person probably murdered their own child and is trying to make up for it with craziness'. Because my mind thinks like that.

I see a car with a 'Obama 2012' or 'Romney 2012' sticker and I'm like, 'Nice to see some political banter'. I see OBAMA IS A SATANIC, BLACK MUSLIM, ANTI-GUN, HITLER, BABY KILLER and I think 'Just how many guns do you own and will you shoot me if I disagree with your opinion?'.

Isn't there a point where decorating your car reaches an excessive level?

For shame Rachel. Don't drink the haterade.

Peace!

We Shall Call It...Something

'Ello Questers! Lovely to see you this fine afternoon.

I come to you today with baby woes. 

What do ya mean, woes?

Tyler and I decided early on in my pregnancy that we would not find out what our baby had packing. Would it be a boy? Would it be a girl? Who knew!

So during the anatomical ultrasound at 18 weeks we gave a polite no to the tech when she asked if we wanted to see. 

I honestly did not know the dismay we would be causing members of our friends and family. I have been bombarded by several people who are 'frankly shocked' that I did not find out. How can my aunt knit me the cutest of the cute baby blankets if she doesn't know boy or girl? How can the ladies at work buy me adorable outfits if they don't know P vs. V? How can so-and-so prepare a baby shower without the token blue or pink color-vomiting everywhere?

And this does not only apply to my family or friends. It applies to me as well. Making a decent registry was the hardest ever. There are just no gender neutral clothes. Every time I found something cute (AND GENDER NEUTRAL), Tyler said that it was 'too girly'. 

Le sigh. And the bickering between us? Forget about it. I wanted Avent bottles, he wanted Playtex. I wanted Soothie pacifiers, he wanted some other stupid brand. He had the scanning gun so of course he scanned his options. I did mine when I got the gun. 

But in all seriousness, we totally love each other.

And so far, at a whopping 6 months, I've gotten the choruses of people telling me what I am having.

Tyler's mother is convinced I'm having a girl. She told me I was going to have a girl before I was pregnant. She told me I was going to have a girl right after I got pregnant. She's telling me I'm having a girl now because, 'you never had morning sickness', 'your hair is blah, blah, blah', 'you're carrying the baby in the girl-spot'. I'm sure if it's a boy she'll still say it's a girl.

Tyler is pretty sure it's a girl as well. Something about how I'm carrying...and geez...the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Native American vibes maybe?

I'm starting to think it's a girl as well. Don't know why. Maybe instinct?

So of course, Kelsey thinks it's a boy. I hope it's not. Not just to spite her (although fuck yeah) but also because I'm getting attached to the idea of a girl.

Also, Tyler and I have yet to sit down to debate the problems with boys and girls. Take the topic of circumcision. I'm mostly against. Tyler is for. I've yet to convince him otherwise. I'm not sure I can.

Also, also, we haven't made a base plan for religion yet. I am atheist. Tyler believes in God yet not organized religion. I want our children to learn all religions, including my lack of one. Tyler wants me to take WP to church because he hates organized religion. I hate churches because, duh, atheist. We really need a plan here.

Also, also, also, we haven't quite figured out the whole baby name yet. Like we haven't even tried. We both like Connor....and that's about it.

Also, also, also, also, we haven't decided on the babysitter for when I go back to work (I only get 1 month paid).

As you can see, we are the most prepared. All the prepared actually. 

What do with you? I don't know.

How Green Was My Valley

Anyone ever read that book? The one listed in the title? It sounds like a porno.

Shit is about to get real.

I'm not really having any moments of absolute topic-gasm so I'll use the internet and it's brilliant mind to find some!

Because I'm obviously a dumb teenager:

Name: Rachel!

Nickname(s): Raquel, Ray-Ray, Sparkles! (Although I don't know the last time anyone called me these)

Age: 22

Birthplace: 'Merica!

Eye Color: Blue

Hair Color: Brown

Height: 5' 7"

Weight: I don't know! I'm pregnant and it's changing!!!

Lol, I'm giving out all the information! Find me if you dare!

Lefty or Righty?: Lefty

Zodiac Sign: Scorpio

What do you drive?: A shitty Neon

Yay! More information. I'm all the safe.

Do you have any siblings?: Yes, two brothers

Do you have any pets?: Yes, a dog named Wahya

Do you have a job?: Yes, it's necessary

Do you have a cellphone?: Yes, only because boyfriend insisted on me having one

Do you have any fears?: Yes, emetophobia and arachnophobia

Do you have any piercings?: Yes, I have size 2 gauges in my ears

Do you have any tattoos?: Yes, an anklet/cross thing

Do you swear?: The fuck I do

Does this remind anyone of Myspace?

Ever been in love?: Yes, with the boyfriend

Ever cheated in love?: No

Ever been dumped?: No

Ever dumped someone?: Yes

Blargh, who likes romance. Sappy!

Have you ever drank?: Yes

Have you ever gotten a ticket?: Yes, it was expensive and not awesome

Man, I'm such a bad, bad girl ;)

Are you a virgin?: Yes, I'm actually experiencing immaculate conception at this moment.

Wasn't that lovely questers? Just so very lovely.

'Cause all I want is a room somewhere far away from the cold night air.

Kelsey is Crazy

Kelsey is crazy, a tad mentally unstable.

KELSEY

That is all. 

Dream Interpretation

HOLA QUESTERS! It is I, Kelsey, finally posting. Today I will intrepretationing Rachel's nightmare. Trust me. I've had like four psych classes.

To begin, you are outside your home after work because thats one of the few times you are not with other people. Alternately, it could have possibly been morning when Tyler leaves for work first. However, because this was at night your closest alone-time memory is right after work. It is important that you are alone in the dream because you will most likely be alone a lot when the baby is born and Tyler is at work. Wahya isn't there because forshadowing. Your dreams a fucking novel now.

No one trusts a blond hair guy. They are all nazis. Every single one. Its also nice to point out that I imagined him as the complete opposite of Tyler, though I have no idea what he looks like. Was I correct? If so, the point behind that is either a) You just watched the episode and it stuck for no reason or b) you trust tyler completely and anything opposite of him, in your mind, is not worthy of trust yet.

You immediately sprint away without wondering about the situation first, which means you'd survive in horror movies. Just saying.

He said he wanted your guns. What he really meant was your arms. He has an obvious arm fetish and the fact that you didn't notice this immediately means you'll be a terrible mom. Its important for mothers to be able to spot arm fetishes in men.

The lackeys are unenthusiastic because they prefer feet.

The men are obviously stupid because why would they steal guns from a woman in the middle of nowhere and not plan on killing her? OBVIOUSLY the man feels them judging him for his arm fetish and has changed his mind and decided he meant real guns so that he can kill you before you also judge him, you pretty-armed lady you.

He says "We're all in this together" because High School Musical is his favorite movie, as is expected, and now that you definitely know this for sure he HAS to kill you. He quotes the movie whenever appropriate and his lackeys prefer The Cheetah Girls, so they are obviously upset about this. They are on your side because you are harshly judging him with your venomous body language and judgy face thing that you do all the time, especially when you talk to like me for instance.

You give a big speech about leaving because this is the climax of the dream and your dream is a novel and all good climaxes have lots of words. You mention Tyler and the babby because they are always at the forefront of your mind.

Leader-man's lackeys turn on him and do nothing as you stab him because they remember that one time he said that Raven Symone was ugly and they didn't like it. The knife changes to a pair of scissors in this part because you are a lesbian and scissors are important to you. You wanted him to know that you are sexually attracted to Raven Symone, but didn't want to say it in front of the lackeys. They understand the symbolism.

He lunges at you again because a Wild Cat never gives up.

He turns into Wahya, obviously, because you are crazy. Also because if you rushed inside right after work you wouldn't have had time to unlock Wahya and therefor he wouldn't be able to protect you in real life. Dream you was laughing at this irony.

So, theres your dream interpretation, a-la Kelsey. I hope you enjoyed it, and just know its 100% correct. Yup.

The Bad Pregnancy Dream

Questers!

I love you. 


I really do!

Let me dive head-first into this dream because it's one of the few that have actually upset me.


I'm outside of my home, don't know why. It's still light, meaning I probably just got home from work. I don't have Wahya (my dog) with me. In fact, he's not around.

I'm just starting up the first steps when a truck pulls up and three men hop out. Of course my immediate action is panic and I sprint up the stairs into the house. I'm mere moments from getting the glass sliding door shut when one of the men yanks it open. He is tall and has blond hair. 

To be honest the blond-haired guy is the soldier from the House, M.D. episode 'Moving the Chains'. I don't know why. The guy in the episode certainly isn't a bad person. 

Anyway, I cautiously back up as the men enter. Blondie is the obvious leader, judging by the nervous looks shot my way by both the lackeys.

"Give me your guns." He says, eyes flashing in demand.


I frown as the other two unenthusiastically echo his chorus.

"I don't have any guns." I reply, hoping to smoothly lie. 

"You can't fool me that easily. You live here in the middle of nowhere and don't have guns? Bullshit."

Lackey #2 plops down on the couch, "Look lady, we just need all your guns and that's it. We'll leave. Right?"

Although the 'right' wasn't directed at me. It was directed at leader-man.

"Right." Leader-man assuages. 

I, of course, stifle a laugh. "Are you joking me? You know he's going to kill me right? As soon as he gets the guns he'll take me out. I know what you all look like. I know enough to probably get you caught."

Lackey #1 tenses, "You didn't say nothin' 'bout killin'."

Leader-man whirls on his lackeys, "Listen here, you little chickenshits. We're all in this together."

Lackey argues back, "You didn't say we'd have 'ta kill nobody."

While leader-man and lackey are arguing, I quickly grab a knife out of the block sitting on the counter.

"Okay assholes, this ends now. I don't know what your game is or who you are, but I'm not putting up with this. You all obviously have some issues that need to be resolved among yourselves. I'm not giving you any guns, and I'm not particularly threatened since you are all unarmed. My boyfriend will be home soon and he definitely will not take kindly to you threatening his pregnant girlfriend. My suggestion is for you to leave. Now."

Leader-man laughs, "If you think you can take us all, you're sorely mistaken."

Lackey #1 drops down next to #2, "I ain't 'bout to help ya' kill."

Lackey #2 agrees immediately, "Me neither."

As leader-man become enraged I lunge at him, stabbing him in the chest with....a pair of scissors? He falls to the ground gaping over the fact he just got stabbed. His lackeys gape over the fact he was taken down. I gape over the fact I just stabbed someone. 

*Now, it should be duly noted that none of this scared/upset/angered me. Nothing listed so far was the reason I considered this a bad pregnancy dream. No, that would be this:

Leader-man, clutching his chest, rushes at me. I draw back my knife and catch him in the neck. Blood spurts at me in a wave and to my horror the man turns into my dog, Wahya. Wahya gives me a horrified, pained, and terrorized look before whining pitifully.

*This is where my dream turned to shit. It ended because I jerked awake and started to cry. Of course, Tyler was half-asleep, half-worried. I just cuddled into him and then snuggled into the very much alive Wahya.

Pregnancy is very much not my friend at this moment. That dream sucked.

Also, how much of a psychopath am I? I mean, what's with all the brutality in my dreams lately....?

I mean seriously.

It's not like I've never had bad dreams before. I've had a few here and there. The thing is, nightmares that terrify most people don't scare me. I don't know why. It's actually funny because you pretty much have to trick me into watching a scary movie and I get sketched out pretty easily. 

One of the nightmares I remember from childhood is completely stupid, yet scared the crap out of me. In fact, if I think about it hard enough it still give me shivers. 

Here's the equation:

Take this:



Change him to this color:



Add these type of eyes:



And make him talk like how you'd expect this to sound:



That literally is the whole nightmare. A demonic Sonic the Hedgehog talking to me.

It was so bad that I cried loud enough to wake my mom up...all the way across the house.

Another thing about me. Do you you know the recurring nightmare thing? Where you have a nightmare that never completely goes away? You can dream about it one night and then again a month later? That kind of thing?

Well, I've only had one of those in my life. I wake up crying every single time. I first had the dream sometime last year, but I've had it at least 4 times since. 

It's a simple dream. I'm holding my child's hand (it doesn't imply MY child, but I just know it is). Sometimes the child is a girl, sometimes a boy. It's always the same theme though. I'll be walking through a mall or park and suddenly the small hand in my own is gone. I panic but the child is gone. The terror and devastation is amazing during this dream. 

The first time I had this dream, Tyler had to shake me awake because I was moaning sadly in my sleep and crying.

Man, I'd just love to know what a shrink would say about that. Probably something along the lines of "You have abandonment issues", "You're afraid of motherly commitment". 

So, I rarely have dreams that hurt me, but when I do, man are they craptastic.

Adios questers!

The Creativity of Childhood

Guys, I found an old journal of mine.

I wish it were this old. 

I remember exactly who gave it to me, Ms. R, my first grade teacher. She gave it to me for my birthday.

This journal was also a great reminder that times have certainly changed when it comes to school. How do I know this?

Well, first of all the majority of teachers do not give gifts nor receive them anymore. Gone are the days where appreciating your teacher with token apples, coffee mugs, and ornaments were a given. 

Fuck you kid, quit showing appreciation. We don't like that here in 'Merica. Fucking brown-noser.

Another reason? My first grade teacher not only gave gifts, but birthday spankings as well. I cannot even begin to imagine the shit-storm of the century that would happen if some teacher spanked a child today, either as punishment or birthday tradition. I know for a fact that I'd be one pissed-off parent.

"But, you were hit on your birthday and are fine", you all say. Yes, I lived through the mortification, but I would never subject anyone else to go through that, especially my own children.

Anyway, off the podium on that one....but here is another podium-type topic.

The journal she gave me had cherubs on it and was purchased from a religious store. Oh, my. Are we ready to ring in the offended parents?

At this point in time I was religious...well, as truly religious as a 5-6 year old can be. I thought the journal was cute and didn't even connect it with religion until later on.

Would I, as an atheist, be super-offended if a teacher gave this journal to my child? Not really...because fucking cherubs are cute and not exactly super pro-religion. Now if a teacher gave my child a journal with Jesus' face....well that's a different story.

Again, off the podium on that.

The real reason I wanted to discuss this journal was the contents...because yes, children are crazy.

How can we protect them from themselves?

As I open the cover I am immediately bombarded with scribbles of tic-tac-toe. Only one actually looks viable, the rest are completely filled with O's. I am quite the cheater.

The next page has a square for filling in your name. I filled it in with 'Rachel's big christmas tree Rachel'. The final Rachel is neater than the others, leading me to believe that I came back at a later time to resign my name. Classy.

Surrounding that square are four names: Erin, Sarah, Lillie, and Carren. I remember three friends named Erin, Sarah, and Lillie (who lived next to the school), but I don't quite remember a Carren (who I'm sure did not spell her name like that).

Under those names is a list of words that I apparently thought rhymed at the time. I must have been studying up, even though half the words aren't real:

Look, Zook, Mook , Nook

Cake, Make, Zake, Snake

Zoom, Room, Noom, Coom, Koom, Moom, Croom (those are all classy)

Onward to the next page where I am bombarded with terrible drawings of a half naked child walking away, Mary singing to baby Jesus, a toddler crawling, and other things I can't quite comprehend. You don't get pictures!

Ooh, yay! A story is next:

There was a cottage that a little girl lived in her name was Rachel, (insert last name) One day the little girl Rachel came out to play she played over the hills she played a drum she went back inside she played with her toys then she ate Dinner then she Watched T.V. The day before christmas Rachel decorated her tree then she put up her stocking The End

How beautiful. At least I spelled everything correctly. That gives me hope because everything else is just...well fuck. 0/10 points for that awful plot. Where is it going? Why the abrupt ending? At least I knew to capitalize my name, although I'm not sure why young me thought first and last names were separated by a comma. And holy run-on sentence, Batman. Periods, bitch. You understand? And what is over the hills? What kind of fucking game is that? And why are dinner and watched so important they need to be capitalized? Why is christmas so unimportant that it doesn't need to be capitalized. What? And I should also note that when I wrote 'her stocking', I had originally wrote 'their' stocking. Young me gets props for understanding pronouns a little.

Okay, next page!...Oh, another story. Goody. Hopefully I do better.

There was a girl her name was Lillie she put up her tree I will be back

So...nope. No better on the punctuation and plot. Why am I obsessed with Christmas? It must have been Christmas when I wrote these 'stories'. And 'I will be back'? Seriously, young Rachel? Seriously?

I will let you all know that I did come back...to start a new story.

There was a boy his name Was Michael The, End

Fucking gorgeous. Just gorgeous. Capitalized was, but spelled Michael right. Added a comma between The and End. No fucking period.

Oh wait, it wasn't the end because the next page...

When Michel got up his tree had Presents under it's stem the End

So now Michel is spelled incorrectly and Presents are apparently the most important. Damn it, I was doing so well with 'The End'.

I just noticed the pages are also numbered. Awesome.

Next page! Drawings on a half woman, half tree creature.

                                              Sexy is a sexy does.

Next! A tree with a bird and beehive. It's actually fairly decent for a child's picture. What...

And then...another story! Only this time I'm a full-out plagiarizer. I copied, word for word, the Bears in The Night - Bernstein Bears story. Lovely, little me. Ready to work in a fast-food joint?

Now I'll just pick and chose interesting pages.

Page 22: I am....... (followed by indistinguishable scribble)

Page 23: Ra.... (followed by indistinguishable scribble)

Those two are the most beautiful fucking pages. 

Page 24 is fucking stellar. It contain these words, "thair oeca was", then follows with a picture of a lady in a long skirt and bra. 

See how that whore dresses? Fucking whore.

Page 25: Picture of a girl in a long skirt, wedge sandals, and a sailor shirt. She is sporting a hair style that would require more hair than any human would possess.

Who is a sexy chick?

Page 26: An apparent imp dancing around a tree. I'm assuming that he is chanting to the Dark Lord, Lucifer. 

Page 28: Two mittens (one that looks old, and one that looks like I went back to challenge myself - like with the opening name page)...also, two crowns following that same pattern.

Page 29: Another horrifying woman.

I'm sexy and I know it.

Page 33: A dragon Scooby Doo? Maybe?

Page 37: A face...thing.

Page 39: Another face...thing.

Page 41: Another, another face...thing.

Page 45: Another, another, another face...thing

Page 47: I don't know, but it makes me want to cry

Just look at it. Look. At. It.

Page 49: A bride who just tossed a midget instead of her bouquet.

Page 55: This page is missing. It must have been embarrassingly juicy. What was it?!!!!

Page 56: Also, missing because it was the back of 55.

Page 60: This is actually a rather nice picture

Page 71: A mutant family. I like how I define the sex of the baby. It must have been important to me. 

Page 78: Dog in diaper. Actually I believe this was my babysitter's dog who was wearing diapers because she was in heat (of course I didn't know about that at the time).

Page 80: Because this is horrifying. 

Page 99: Fabulous. So fabulous. Dance motherfucker. Dance.

I stopped number at 120, presumably because I was retarded and couldn't count any higher.

But another story!!! This one written by my older brother, Michael.

See! Told you guys he was a psychopath.

Now a picture by Michael!

How sexy is that? Real sexy huh?

And finally, the end of the journal (more arty than wordy). The final page states, "I K", then a backwards money sign, then a normal money sign, the "good Job", and finally a picture of a grumpy face.

And this is why Rachel is crazy.

Weird Food

'Ey! You questers! Yes, you, listen to me!

How are you all this fabulous, sunny day? I'm assuming orgasmic...correct?

Oh Happy Day! Nurma Nurma Nur! Nurma Nurma Nur! Jesus, sins away!!!!

So, I'm totally one of those aliens who loves pasta, pasta, and more pasta. I also one of those aliens who used to have a hard time with trying weird foods.

I know, that sounds childish and weird, but it's true.

I'm sure several of you carry the same issue. Like, as my parents always said 'How do you know you don't like it? You have tried it yet.'. Always avoid this trick.

Those parents are tricky devils. 

What a horrid human being.

It really wasn't until I started working at my current job that I began to try foreign/unusual dishes.

I've mentioned before that I work for a wine importation and distribution company. It seems to be a recurring theme here that all wine drinkers love exotic food. I'm not too sure about that. But nonetheless, my boss always orders interesting foods.

Once a month we have a sales meeting with our sales representatives. At this meeting wine is drank and items on the mass agenda are discussed. At noon we always have catering done. 

Here is a sampling of our catering over the past years:

December 2010

Cornish Game Hens (with oyster stuffing)

Grilled Vegetables

Rosemary Bread

Peppermint Brownies

January 2011

Sliced Golden Beet Sandwiches (stuffed with ricotta cheese, garnished with Fleur de Sel)

Gourmet Pizzas

Boston Bib Salad (with thin sliced hearts of palm mustard vinaigrette)

Boule or Levan Loaf (with French Normandy butter)

April 2011

Bobotie Samosas (stuffed pastry of egg and spiced minced meat)

Slaai Salad (mixed field greens with grapefruit, avocado, peanuts, and ginger dressing)

Grilled Ostrich Filet (served with green and white asparagus and Cape Malay yellow rice)

Malva Pudding (a sweet caramelized pudding made with apricot jam, served hot with custard)


Bobotie. Spicy, kind of gross if the egg doesn't get done all the way.

May 2011

Fresh Local Radishes (with sea salt and Pasrai olive oil)

Baby Lettuces (with spiced pecans and marinated onions)

Pimenton Braised Local Pork (with corn cakes and tomato relish)

Bittersweet Chocolate Brownies

Acme Sourdough

July 2011

Salad-e-shirazi (tomato and mint salad)

Sabzi (mixed herbs and greens with feta cheese and olives)

Musto Khiar (cucumber and yogurt dip)

Nan-e-barbari (grilled flat bread)

Chelow (steamed basmati rice with saffron)

Jujeh Kabab (steamed brined grilled chicken)

Koresh-e-gomeh Sabzi (braised lamb shanks with fenugreek kidney beans)

September 2011

Dragon Rolls (unagi and cucumber roll, wrapped in seaweed and rice, topped with scales of avocado and tobiko, finished with unagi sauce)
Spider Rolls (tempura style soft shell crab, avocado, cream cheese, and lettuce wrapped in seaweed and rice with tobiko, spicy mayonnaise, and unagi sauce)
New Orleans Roll (shrimp tempura and avocado wrapped in seaweed and rice, topped with spicy kanikama, tobiko, and spicy mayonnaise)
Crouching Tiger Rolls (tempura shrimp and cucumber wrapped with seaweed and rice, topped with broiled unagi, avocado, and finished with unagi sauce, spicy mayonnaise, black tobiko, and orange tobiko)
Maguro Sashimi (tuna)
Sake Sashimi (salmon)
Hamachi Sashimi (yellowtail)
Bol Gol Gi (shaved rip eye, marinated with garlic, soy, honey, and sauteed with onions and mushrooms)
Tai Ji Gol Gi (sliced pork, onions, mushrooms, and peppers - stir-fried with Korean style hot pepper sauce)
Fresh Sauteed Greens
White Rice
Fried Rice


Spider roll. NUMMY!!!

August 2012

Skilpadjies (a South African dish traditionally consisting of lamb meat, kidney, and liver wrapped in caul fat)
Tossed Salad
Garlic Bread


Skilpadjies. Interestingly yuck.

Of course, I've tried weirder foods, like that Peedan egg I made an earlier post about. I've had braised eel (which is amazingly good) and octopus (which is too chewy for me).

I've even slurped back some oysters before, although the brine water makes me feel squicky. 

Because I'm peacing out and can!

Pregnancy Dreams - Not All Fun and Games

Alright, alright, alriiiiiiiiight! Hey Questers!

Uh, no thanks dad. I'm fine with not sucking cock for cocaine money.

Oh God, I heart Kevin Hart. I heart him hard.

LOL! I just wish someone had the balls to say this to a teacher.

Okay, okay...enough with this amazing man. Instead I will give you insight into the world of pregnancy dreams.

Personally, I have never had normal dreams (as evident by this). My dreams have always been sort of crazy, complete with a dash of madness. And these were dreams before Tyler (Satan) laid fertile seed in my womb. 

However, with this pregnancy I have realized I don't quite know crazy. This is why you all must be informed, lest you become pregnant yourselves.

If you were to look up 'good' pregnancy symptoms you'd be greeted by the myriad of bullshit that I have not experienced (save for the dreams):

 *Glowing skin devoid of wear and tear. Ha, WP has so far given me a nice dose of oily skin complete with some acne (oh so beautiful). 

*Shinier, thicker hair. My hair is certainly thick but it has not been treated with extra shine and eradication of all split-ends by pregnancy hormones. 

*Oh, bigger boobs! That's nice! Yes, I have bigger boobs, but the fun is certainly taken away by milk leakage...four months before WP's due date.

*No periods! Well, this one I have. It is most good.

*Dreams! Most pregnancy websites/books/so-and-so said so will lead you to the conclusion that your dreams while pregnant will be filled with hot, six-pack rocking, v-hip popping, long-donged toting, handsome hunks of men just waiting to ravish you (you oh so delectable piece of pregnant whale). And while it's true that I have had a few steamy dreams (featuring the one and only love of my life, Tyler), I can't say the majority of my dreams have been as such. 

So...without further hold-up let me introduce you to the Hell that was my dream last night. Which I have no doubt was caused by my pregnancy.

Let's start of by setting the mood. It is cheerful and sunny and early winter. Almost all the leaves are on the ground and it is still fairly warm.

Tyler and I have just arrived at my grandmother's house! Yes, the house in the woods where the Rachel Rachel Hunger Games took place. 

Everything is normal, nothing out of place, nothing odd, nothing...

I say hello to my grandmother and start chatting. It's not long before the dream turns a bit strange. I turn to the island in her kitchen and take a seat. I'm obviously immature so I start swiveling the bar seat back and forth. Suddenly there's a random person beside of me. This person is just a small child, a boy who I have never met (but of course I have because they say you have seen or met all of the people in your dreams). Anyway, this boy is apparently my 7-year old cousin. I never get a name and dream me totally has no qualms with 'random boy' being my cousin. In fact, dream me acted like I knew said cousin my whole life. Nothing weird there.

I sit down awhile and chat with the boy. He likes to color and paint (frankly likes art altogether). I asked him why he was just sitting at the counter instead of playing outside (it was nice). He told me he was waiting on a friend. I somehow failed to notice the cringe my grandmother made at that point in time (I remembered it later).

That answer was swell with me. I mean, friends are the bomb. It was then that I went outside to chat with Tyler who was smoking (like always). We both saw the 'friend' come (another boy with sandy hair, wearing a red hoodie and blue jeans - this outfit is important later!). However, we never saw the boy leave. Of course, this wasn't strange to dream me. Why would it be? 

So the friend must be inside playing? Nope. I went back inside and my cousin was sitting at the table once more. I asked him where his friend was and he said "he had to go home", then he smiled, large and fake, and I shrugged. Dream me still thought nothing of it. 

At this point I went back outside and asked Tyler to go for a walk with me. 

Here is where the mood changes a little. It is darker and more creepy feeling. 

My grandmother lives on a dirt road way back in the middle of nowhere. Her house is surrounded by woods. You can easily paint the scene. Imagine a beat up dirt road (big enough for vehicles to pass on), woods all around (and it's the end of Fall so most leaves are now on the ground creating a look of stillness and death), the sky is overcast and gray, and a slight wind is blowing. It's lovely, no?

Cue more weirdness. As Tyler and I are walking back towards the house, jackets pulled tight against the breeze, I have a sudden moment of clarity regarding this situation.

Rachel: "Tyler, do you find it weird that my cousin had his friend over for only a few minutes?"

Tyler: "Babe, he was probably dropping something off or something."

Rachel: "But, why didn't we see him leave? We were standing on the front porch the whole time he was here."

Tyler: "Maybe he went out the back?"

Rachel: "Why would a guest go out a back entrance? It's just weird."

Tyler: "If he's been here before it wouldn't be too weird. Come to think of it, he walked up the road to the house, he wasn't dropped off. Maybe he went back home through the woods out back?"

Rachel: "I just have a bad feeling. I know I shouldn't, but I do. You should have seen the way my cousin smiled when he told me his friend had left, like he knew something I didn't."

Tyler: "He's seven. You're just being paranoid."

*Okay, I should note here that I was extremely upset for no reason that Tyler was arguing against me. Even if I was being irrational, and I was, dream me just didn't think so. Of course, being my dream and all, it turns shitty.*

This is where a completely improbable event happens. A giant basketball whistles from the sky, smacks the ground in front of me, and whizzes into the woods to our right.

...And this is where shit gets not so awesome.

Tyler and I let our gazes roam after the ball. What is that...? WHAT IS THAT? Oh, nothing...just a body hanging in a tree. Oh look at that...another one. And another. And another. Oh, one more.

In fact, the trees were loaded with bodies just hanging in the wind. It was then that we heard a plip-plip-plip-plop-plop-plop, like water smacking the ground. The last body in the row was slowly dripping drop after drop of blood onto the leaf-covered ground. This body was covered in a red hoodie and blue jeans, although both were soaked through with the blood. The 'friend' had been slashed all the way down. 

*Now, let's get something clear. In the real world, it wouldn't take a basketball/sign of God to get someone to see dozens of bodies hanging by the road...in leafless trees. It also would be a safe bet to assume the friend ran into a big foe (because who in the fuck could lift a body, kid or not, into a tree to be hung and gutted).*

However, dream Tyler and I had to be directed to the bodies and made the best assumption possible. Little cousin was a devious murdering psychopath.

We ran back to the house, Tyler staying on the porch as some type of guard. Don't know why he did that because that would not be cool in the real world. I went inside, WITHOUT Tyler.

I found my grandmother outside the laundry room. She was not looking my way but I made sure to confront her.

Rachel: "Did you know that my cousin was a murderer? Jesus, there are at least 20 bodies out there in those trees! Why would you let the friend come over? Just Jesus!"

Grandmother: "Yes, I knew what he was doing. If I didn't let the friend come, he'd go to the friend. It didn't matter."

*Let's make another thing clear. My grandmother is extremely religious and would not put up with murder, no matter who the murderer was. So in a way, it's kind of funny, you know, if dream me weren't absolutely freaking out.*

Rachel: "How long has this been going on?"

Grandmother: "A few months. He just won't stop. He says it's fun and keeps him occupied."

Rachel: "This isn't a fucking video game! This is real life! This is real life and a seven year old is fucking butchering people! Where is he?"

Grandmother: "I don't know. He always slips away for peace after...well...the activity."

*Note: I get extremely frustrated her at my grandmother's lack of humanity.*

After this I open the laundry room door and am greeted by Cuddy and Cameron from House (I don't know why). They are doing laundry.

Rachel: "We should get him locked up. He just can't kill people."

Cuddy: "Do you know how they treat children in mental facilities? They'll assume he kills because of some trauma is his past life."

Rachel: "And that's bad because?"

Cuddy: "It's not necessarily true."

Rachel: "Well, we can't just let him kill people!"

Cameron: "Better for him that he not go through the pain of treatment."

Rachel: "Are you all fucking serious? Why is no one taking this seriously?"

In my anger I jerk open the washer and come face-to-face with my cousin's blood spattered clothing and knife.

And then I proceed to wake up via Tyler's alarms.

All is well with the world.

But seriously pregnant body, what the actually flipping motherfucking fuck?

I'm serious. Not cool bro. Not cool. 

Because God fucking damn it, you fucking dream.

As always, my dream did not frighten me. I wasn't even scared or upset during, except for when people were pissing me off. But how sketchy is that shit?

Adios questers.