Pregnant Rachel's Shopping List

'Sup Questers!!!!!

Long time no see! No seriously, where are you guys? Fucking ninjas.

What the fuck is this?

Without further ado, I present you, my precious little gumdrops, with my random shopping list of last weekend. 

So beautifully beautiful. I just weep.

Yes, that is my shopping list. Isn't it gorgeous?

"Aren't they beautiful?" - said small, cute Hawaiian troublemaker.

That is also an example of my horrible handwriting. Analyze it if you dare. 

I triple dog dare you...motherfuckers.

*Item one is conditioner. My drawing is fabulous, don't be denying. I have the unfortunate tendency to use quadruple the amount of conditioner necessary when washing my hair...my shoulder length hair...This really leaves a problem when my shampoo is half-full yet my conditioner is non-existent (its okay, just add water to the bottle. It will last a few more days...a few more...I promise).

I bought TRESemeé Platinum Strength because the bottle was pretty. The smell is so-so. It works (in quadruple the recommended amount).

Blah, blah, blah! Blah, blah, blah! Ooh-la-la!

*Item two is oil. Yay oil! Remember that one time I poured you in a  hot skillet and it caught on fire for a second? Remember that!!!??? 

Just like conditioner, I use an overwhelming amount of oil. Making spaghetti? Pour oil in the boiling noodles so they don't stick together. Frying mushrooms? Oil bitch! Stir-fry? Oil!!!! Fish? Oil, oil, oxen free. 

That's right, ox! Stay the fuck out of my oil!

*Item three is butter. You know what butter is good on? Like everything. 

This one isn't so much a 'use gargantuan amounts' thing, but a 'I buy the tiny container' thing. I'm cheap.

This is madness! This is BUTTER!

*Item four is bread. Kelsey, remember what bread stands for? Remember? Huh? Huh? Huh? Wink. Nudge. Shove. Push. Shank. Knife-fight. Kill the dolphins. Jumanji!

We have a problem with bread in our home. The boyfriend loves PB&J so he uses a lot of bread. All the bread ever. So you must be asking yourselves if I buy cheaper bread for him. 

Like this! This is what I buy and eat!

You know what boyfriend likes to buy and eat?

This! This is not cheap!

Boyfriend loves potato bread. Potato bread is not cheap. It's like 4-5 dollars a loaf. It would be better if I liked it too, but I don't. So our home always has two different types of bread. 

*Item five is toothpaste. While most people are tried and true Crest or Colgate fans, I am the opposite. I bop around from toothpaste to toothpaste like Taylor Swift and boyfriends. I'm always changing my toothpaste. I bought a mass supply of toothpaste from Costco. We still have like 3 or 4 large tubes left. Guess who uses that? Boyfriend does. I just buy a different type.

I'm obviously obsessed with toothpaste.

Why do we give this to kids? They just eat it when we're not looking. I want this available in adult sizes.

On a side note, who remembers SWISH during elementary school? That shit tasted like ass in a cup.

*Item six is mouthwash. I did not buy mouthwash because I didn't feel like it. We have half a container at home anyway.

*Item seven is frozen fruit. Nummy!

I bought peaches, cherries, and blueberries. They are delicious because I say so.

Yes, I'm a freak who loves frozen fruit.

Fall on your knees! Oh hear the cold fruit talking!

*Item eight is apples. I love apples. Did I buy apples? No.

I bought kiwi's instead. Because fucking kiwi's.

Why are these so delicious?

*Item nine is pizza bites. These were for the boyfriend. He eats them like fucking candy. I bought two boxes (each contained 15 pizza rolls). He ate them all in one sitting.

*Item ten is Sunny D. Like pizza bites, my boyfriend fucking vacuum inhales Sunny D. I don't know how he isn't dead yet.

The D, she wants it. 

*Item eleven is grape juice. Yes, I totally cracked a Jesus joke on my list. I don't care if anyone is offended. 

My intent was to buy grape juice. Instead I bought peach-mango juice. It looked nummier. It lied. 

*Item twelve is deodorant. Deodorant is lovely and is something everyone should invest in. No really.

I had to buy new deodorant because I dropped my old deodorant in the toilet. I guess that is what I get for putting deodorant on 5 feet in the vicinity of the open toilet bowl.

I...I can't believe other people have done this....

*Item thirteen is strawberry cream cheese. I love cream cheese. I could eat it forever. Strawberry cream cheese just makes it better.

*Item fourteen is bagels. Well, fuck you all. Can't have cream cheese without bagels.

*Item fifteen is pork chops. Boyfriend and I made pork chops for dinner. Boyfriend makes orgasmic pork chops with cream of mushroom soup. This is obviously why we are dating.

Obviously, my list was too boring without notes.

The problem with lists is that they don't cover everything. In that store run I also bought Greek yogurt and potatoes. Oh, and black water. And other stuff.

That is why my bill was almost $90. I'm the worst shopper ever. Yay for me!

Adios questers! I have no more to say to you slaves.

Work E-mails

Questers! I've missed you more than Michael Jackson misses life...AKA...the playground.

Hee Hee! Ohhhhhh! *crotch grab, pelvic thrust, moonwalk*

I had the sudden, and obviously fabulous, urge today to go through my work e-mails (we use Outlook, bitches!) and delete the unnecessary ones. If you have ever been lucky enough (define lucky) to have a work e-mail, you are used to the sorting that takes place when you arrive at your desk in the morning. You are used to filing and deleting the bazillion e-mails that accumulate overnight in your inbox. You are used to seeing the drivel that spouts out of your coworker's mouths, and you are probably used to going back to your folder titled 'Important Work Stuff', only to notice you've filled it with e-mails from so-and-so coworker detailing his/her dog's poop collectively over the course of a year. It happens.

While cleaning out my folders I found e-mails from 1 to 2 years ago that I just don't know why I kept. I found them funny. You may not. I don't care.

#1 - We shall call it, "How we treat those bitchin' customers".

Boss Man was in a rotten mood over his sales representatives' working skills. Apparently they just weren't interacting with clients the way he wanted. So we have this e-mail:

"Do not take the client's side over your employer's. The client is always wrong until proven wrong."

Kind of like "The customer is always right", except not.

 

Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Fuck you client!

#2 - We shall call it, "Storm Alert Boss Man".

Boss Man wanted to warn about impending weather. Employee's make a hilarious thread instead:

From Head Secretary Lady: "The following is a message from Boss Man Weather Systems: A severe storm is headed directly towards PLACE OF EMPLOYMENT. This is not, I repeat NOT, a normal storm. Lightening is flashing, dogs are hiding. Approximate 40 mph winds. Secure any loose items outside. This concludes the message from Boss Man Weather Systems." 

 

 Hide yo' dogs because lightening be happenin' all over da' place.

Cue hilarious rebuttals from office staff, warehouse staff, and sales representatives, before:

From Head Secretary Lady: "Okay, so 2/3 of you think the storm I'm talking about is Boss Man himself coming to the office, which I can completely understand and find funny, but this is in regards to an actual weather event. Boss Man wanted me to warn everyone of the severe thunderstorm that is occurring at his home right now and is headed our way. I don't think it's nearly as severe as he's making it out to be, but he REALLY wants everyone to be advised."

#3 - We shall call it, "Duck Quest".

A duck decided to lay eggs in the mulch right outside Boss Man's office. Boss Man puts up fencing and a baby pool to provide for future ducklings. I have about a zillion e-mails with photos of the ducks doing ordinary things.

Titled: "First Challenge"

Titled: "Babies"

Titled: "Eggs"

Titled: "Clearing the gate"

Titled: "First Journey"

I understand that ducklings are cute as shit and all, but really? Titling the pictures? I'd say our office staff spent a good 2 weeks obsessing over these ducks.

#4 - We shall call it, "Deer Hunting".

I found an old e-mail from my father (he is the warehouse manager where I work). This e-mail contained a single picture. A picture of a gutted deer that was shot by one of our coworker's young sons. Does this sound like a normal e-mail to you? Seriously, this picture was sent around the general e-mail thread as a way of congratulations.

#5 - We shall call it, "Safari Murder".

Boss Man goes on safari's a lot...like once or twice a year. He'll just take off to South Africa for weeks at a time. And I can always remember when because my e-mail is then filled with pictures of dead animals: hyenas, nguni cattle, dik-dik, wild boars, zebras, etc.

This is a regular occurrence at my place of servitude.

#6 - We shall call it, "Gross dad, stfu".

I took a call for my father while he was out of the office and e-mailed him the details. He e-mailed me back the following:

"She wants me for my body. It's so hard to fight off these women. She's always coming back for more."

 No seriously dad, stfu.

#7 - We shall call it, "Accidental E-mail".

Head Secretary Lady sends me an e-mail of a shirtless Tim Tebow. I'm confused and just put the e-mail away into the dark abyss.

E-mail was meant for her sister, who also happens to be named Rachel. 

Needless to say, I receive a lot of accidental e-mails.

#8 - We shall call it, "Monkey Business".

I received a picture of a dead monkey from Accounts Receivable Lady. A fucking dead monkey. 

Unsure of how to take this e-mail, I questioned what she was doing with a picture of a dead monkey.Turns out it was a monkey that attacked a friend's dog. So of course my next question was, "Does your friend live in the US?". The answer to that was, "Yes, my friend lives in West Virginia.".

Answer me this. Since when do monkeys live in West Virginia? No seriously...

This is the actual monkey.

#9 - We shall call it, "Chimera of Doom".

Head Secretary Lady sent office staff e-mail with attachment titled Chad Ochocinco.

This is him.

"So what?" you may be asking, "She sent you a picture of a muscled black man". Yes, a muscled, shirtless, PETA ad Ochocinco. What's not to love?

An even better picture indeed!

But did I mention the little part of her cutting his head off and replacing it with her husband's? Her white husband? Her white husband who is definitely in his 50's? That decidedly turned a potentially hot picture into a not-so-hot picture.

#10 - We shall call it, "Security, what security?".

My workplace has an annual wine tasting event of mass proportions. This event is held on two days (consecutive Monday's), and features upwards on 400 wines, beers, liquors, and sakes. We have catering, sushi chef's, etc. We fly in our producers from all over the world. Over-all, it's a big event.

This year we hired security. A rather smart move when you consider the 350+ people who attend both events. 

When this was announced to all staff, we received this response from one sales representative:

Such a man.

That's a normal response to a security detail, right?

This was the next response:

Honor, Honor, Honor, Honorable Suicide.

As you can see, our company takes itself very seriously.

No really, so seriously.

We never e-mail ridiculously or anything like that...nope.

Well...questers...that's about all for today. Send me your own stupid e-mails...if any questers actually read these crazy things...

Things I know with absolute certainty

Questers!

It has obviously been far too long since I have graced you with my presence. Yes, you beautiful peasants, this is Rachel, your lovely goddess.

You all on the left, my obvious sexy nakedness on the right.

Have any of you ever just had one of those moments where you suddenly remember something after the fact? Like, buying yourself a brand of gum and then remembering you tried it before and hated it? I do that shit all the time.

Or how about the things you know with utmost certainty? Like, you know them so hard that you'll never forget them. I also do that shit all the time.

I am a fucking contradiction (tee hee, you can't say contradiction without saying dick).

Questers, these are the things I know (list up to 22 because that's my age bitches) and will never forget, unless I have a major head injury, get Alzheimer's, etc.:

1. Turkey Hill, Sweet Tea tastes like how a trashcan with a new bag smells. 

No seriously, think about that next time you drink it. It's like a plastic trashcan with a new Glad Flex bag.

2. Kevin Hart is the funniest motherfucking male comedian on the face of this Earth. Fuck the boyfriend for introducing this hilarious man to me.

You'll honestly die from laughter the first time you watch this.*

*Note: he is crude as crude gets...so....yeah.

3. Sitting in a hot-tub to get warm and then jumping into a pool is awesome.

4. Deer are assholes who always run right in front of your car. 

No, that's cool bro. I didn't like or need my car anyway. I'll just walk from now on. 

5. Driving someone who is under the influence of drugs home is never a good idea. 

Let me say it again Brett, a white car does not necessarily mean a police car. Stop yelling, crying, and jumping every time a white car passes us or gets behind us. 

Brett, will you stop hyperventilating and laughing at the same time? What are you freaking out about? That's a fucking mailbox! No, it is not your mom! Your mom isn't a mailbox! What would she even be doing standing on the side of the road? Get back in your seat and put your seatbelt on!

6. Typing BOOBS and BOOBLESS on a calculator never gets old.

Har har har! Boobless!!!! You're boobless!!!

7. Saying a 'bad word' for the first time is the most exhilarating and terrifying experience of early childhood.

"Ha, doo-doo butt fungus face! That's what you are, granny panties pee-pee licker! Hee hee!"

8. Seeing a dog die in real life or a movie will always make you tear up...at least a little. 

 

Even this movie made me cry! And none of them die!

9. Putting grape juice in a wine glass will always make you feel bad-ass. 

Mmm, yes, indeed. This is a lovely vintage of Welch's Grape Juice. Excellent on the nose with hints of excess sugar and ripe, juicy grapes. An amazing sipping juice, with sweetness and a kick of tartness on the palate. The finish is long and drawn out, sure to leave you refreshed and tingling. Pairs well with Jesus' body, Lunchables, PB&J, etc. 

10. Horses will be dicks just to be dicks.

Food now human! Now! I say now! *KICK, KICK, REAR* 

*Dumps food* Ah, horse love human. Human and horse are the best of friends.

11. The scene in I Am Sam where Sam starts yelling in the restaurant will always make you feel awkward inside, and you'll gladly skip past that part. 

Yet, you never want him to lose his daughter.

12. Belly dancing is NOT incredibly easy despite what others may say.

13. Dr. House from, well, House, is an asshole doctor and I don't care what you have to say about that.

14. Criminal Minds is probably the best crime show in the history of ever. 

If this episode didn't make you cry...Seriously, some of the saddest shit ever.

15. Stepping on a Lego is Satan's way of saying 'fuck you in the ass with a rusty cancer pipe'. 

16. No one plays GTA for the story line.

17. Disney owns the world.

This is also the evilest thing I can imagine. My Mickey Mouse shower curtain will never look the same.

18. All puppets excluding Sesame Street, The Muppets, and Fraggle Rock are creepy as fuck. 

My parents bought my older brother this for Christmas one year. His name is Slappy. Mike liked to put Slappy is my room while I was asleep. Fuck you Mike and fuck you Slappy. 

19. Nothing beats icecream on a hot summer day.

Seriously nummy.

20. Watching nerds play Magic is slightly endearing if you can get past the smell of B.O., unwashed balls, and virgin testosterone. Slightly endearing because they get fucking serious with their game and B.O. because I'm absolutely sure the vast majority of them don't shower...ever. 

The only card I use to win when I play Tyler. At least he smells delicious and knows how to clean his balls. 

To all Magic players, really I'm just giving you all a hard time. But have any of you honestly ever sat through a tournament? The air always reeks of rancid hairy ass and sweaty ball-sack. Always. Last time I went with Tyler (oh he's such a cute nerd), I sat next to this boy, who I kid you not, smelled like old vagina. How is that even possible?

21. Chef Boyardee, Spaghetti and Meatballs is deliciousness! I don't care how bad it is for you. 

Fucking yes!

22. Quip It! is a wonderful game that you can never stop playing. If you ever get caught up in this game, please be prepared to never stop. Actually, you better sign away your life first before popping in the disk.

This game was designed for perverts and if the makers say otherwise they are lying. 

Well questers, I think that's good for now.

Adios!

ha

IM GLAD YOUR PEN IS GONE RACHEL.


THATS WHAT YOU GET.

My Pen

Questers, it is with much sadness that I, Rachel, announce the disappearance of my best writing buddy, my pen, InkJoy.

InkJoy, I've had you for months. I've used you for corrections and memo's, took down messages with your blood. I'll never forget the moment we met. It was perfect.

The Staples man delivered our parcel which I signed for, not even knowing you would be included as a random free gift/sample. How could I have known that a simple bazillion dollar order of ink cartridges would include your delectable body? But, oh! There you were, nestled soundly in your own little packet, clicky black body snuggled gently among bigger ink carriers. I was in immediate love.

The moment you fell into my hand I knew we were destined for greatness. How could it be anything else? Your grip was too comfortable for words. Your style was suitably classy. Oh, I knew we were to be the best of friends.

And how could I live through the first moment your ink touched smooth white? You rolled so smooth, your ink so black and thick. Yes, you were the yin to my yang. And what's this? No smearing! Unheard of for a lefty. InkJoy, I vow you completed me.

But what is to be now? How can I simply go for a plan old blue Bic or Zebra in purple? How can I replace you? How will it be these next few days.

InkJoy, I know not where you have gone or who has stolen you from my office, but please do not be afraid. I know no one will have quite the gentle touch as me nor the inherent handwriting skill. Please know I will never forget you. You were truly my best work surprise, truly the best of penmanship companions.

Rest in piece, InkJoy/Rest in the hands of the jealous unholy motherfucker that ruined my day.

Thing I both hate and love about being an adult

Hello Questers! This is the lovely (define lovely during pregnancy) Rachel once again.

I'm sure you all are shocked by my sudden not-taking-two-thousand-years-to-make-a-post behavior. Good for you because you get an amazing (obviously) post. Bad for you because you're only getting one because I'm totally bored.

Does anyone else have the Monday blahs? 

Coincidentally, this is exactly what I'd look like if I was a single mother struggling with alcoholism during the '20's.

Thus, my mind is currently occupied by the reasons I both hate and love being an adult.

Reasons to LOVE being an adult over the age of 21:

*I can legally smoke if I want. It's too bad I have never smoked. How am I to assert my adulthood to the other adultified people?

What my boyfriend cancers...I mean...smokes.

*I can legally purchase and imbibe alcohol, and if I get carded, HA, in their faces. I'm legal.

Nummy, nummy, nummy!

*I live on my own (meaning with boyfriend) and do not have to clean the dishes nor sweep if I don't want to. My house, while not filthy, isn't exactly OCD clean so take that as you will. Although, I  did scrub the kitchen floor on my hands and knees yesterday. Fun times for a pregnant lady.

*I have a boyfriend and my parents can't make me dump him, not that my parents would ever do that to Tyler.

*I can have all the sex I want: loud sex, quiet sex, rough sex, bathroom sex, kitchen sex, living room sex and I don't have to worry about anyone but my dog hearing (he's probably traumatized for life).

*With the above, I can have sex without worrying that the boy I'm with will be charged with statutory rape. This is a good thing.

*I can make my own life choices and decide what's best for myself.

*I can vote for or against any person running for public office. 

*I can eat pizza and icecream for dinner if I damn well want.

Reasons to HATE being an adult over the age of 21:

*I can legally purchase DRANK, just increasing the chances of my DD status becoming a nightly affair (Note: I don't drink).

*I have to do adult things like clean my own house, cook, wash clothes, etc. I. NEED. AN. ADULT.

Oh Spock! That face! That body! You drive me wild!

*I have to pay for all my shit: food, clothes, house, car, utilities, etc.

The best kind of dinner after paying all the bills.

*I have to get up and go to work every weekday from 8:30 to 5:30.

*I have to file my taxes and pay all those stupid government bills throughout the year.

"As you can clearly see, you actually owe US money. Looks like you'll be getting an audit, not a vacation."

*If I get sick, I have to take myself to the doctor and pay my co-pay.

*I can't pretend to fall asleep in the car and have my daddy carry me inside. :'(

The best feeling ever!

You can pretend you didn't do this, but you're lying. You're either lying or had a sad, sad childhood.

*I can't reasonably explain to my boyfriend why I feel like watching Care Bears.

Dark Heart! You are the biggest douche of my childhood.

*I can't play an imaginary game outside without the local authorities arresting me for suspected drug use.

"Ma'am, have you been under the influence of illegal drugs this afternoon?"

"No officer, I was just playing corporate lawyers. I'm prosecutor this time."

"Ma'am, I'm going to have to ask you to come with me."

"But, the jury is almost finished deliberating."

"Ma'am, I will not ask you again."

"All rise for the judge, you too Copper."

~ Bzz! That is the sound of the taser electrocuting me ~

*I can't get into a fight without running a chance of being stuck with a criminal record.

*It is not okay for me to point out someone's bald spot. 

I did do that when I was little. I think my parents were mortified.

*I can't ride the kid's rides at amusement parks.

*Playing on a playground is definitely a way to get put on an FBI watch list.

This is what people will see me as. I do not want a lisp.

*Climbing your neighbor's tree is not acceptable. It may actually get you arrested for peeping.

And I'm sure I can increase these lists, but my brain has short-circuited.

Damn that looks good enough to eat.

Also, KELSEY. Yes, I'm talking to you. Post something lady. Anything.

As for you questers? Well, we'll see how quickly either Kelsey or myself can post again.