Childhood Destruction

Yo! My avid readers (all of the readers actually).

This is Rachel, bringing you your reading pleasure.

Like this! Pleasure for your eyes!

I may not be a child anymore.

21 is so old!!!!!!

But I can still recall the days when I was young, and summer was free, and the wind was beckoning me to run.

Run, Pocahontas, run! This was me, only not. I wasn't running to save anyone but myself.

Speaking of saving myself, I am one in a trio of siblings. I am the middle child and the only girl. My older brother is two years above me, and my younger brother is a year and a half below me. I was not lucky, you only child motherfuckers who complain all the fucking time...fuck you...

On one hand, I can be thankful my brothers made me tough, on the other, well, getting shot hurts. I've been shot with a BB gun, an air-soft pistol, a CO2 air rifle, etc., and I'm fairly certain my brothers would have gladly shot me with a .22 or .300 if they could. 

The point is I had douche-canoe brothers, and if I cried I got the generic 'boys will be boys'. 

Note the misspelling of 'her' as 'here'. This is sadly due to a misapplied education regarding penis.

Most girls with brothers know what I'm talking about. The feeling of a rock hitting your shoulder, the pain of a stick-sword thwacking into your head, the bloodiness of a good makeshift BMX tournament. You know what I'm talking about. 

There is a 100% likelihood that the lump was me.

And did I mention there were only two girls out of our 8 person, first-cousin group.

Yep, us first-cousins bonded like straight up hydrogen (and other shit that bonds in chemistry).

The breakdown is the following (with initials, and maybe a picture, to make everyone feel better):

Older Brother, MTM (Michael) - the first-born of the grandchildren (gets everything he fucking wants...ever).

*Note* Tranny is not in the title of this book.

Me, RAM (Rachel) - the first-born granddaughter of the lot (never gets anything she wants, is always wrong).

Bam! Look at my paint skills!

Female First-Cousin (only other female), SMM (Samantha) - born in Hawaii (doesn't matter what she got, she turned into a fucking bombshell beauty).

Extra M with your S&M.

Younger Brother, CJM (Cody) - second-born male grandchild (got everything he wanted as well for being the baby of my parents).

Male First-Cousin #1, MSM (Matthew) - now a Marine (was probably also spoiled. I don't know. He wasn't me).

Male First-Cousin #2, D-A (Danny) (I don't remember his middle name, leave me be) - can build robots and shit.

Male First-Cousin #3, M-A (Matthew) (I also don't remember his middle name, also leave me be) - autistic and all that.

Male First-Cousin #4, MHM (Hunter) (he goes by his middle name) - a brat, pure and simple. Also, redneck.

So to put the ages into perspective:

If I was 6, Michael was 8, Cody was 4 or 5 depending on the day, Sam (being almost a year younger than me) was 5 or 6, Matt (being the same as Cody) was 4 or 5, Danny (also being the same as Cody) was 4 or 5, Matt (being 7 years younger) was -1, and Hunter (being 7 years younger) was -1.

This is important because it fucked Michael over (which is hilarious always). Samantha, Matt M., and Hunter are children on my dad's side of the family. Danny and Matt A. are children on my mom's side. We only hung out with children from one side at a time (we are family-racist like that).

I don't know about my baby, but certainly my family.

So a typical summer day would see Michael, Sam, Matt, Cody, and myself (and Hunter later on) playing together. Matt and Cody stuck together like glue, as did Sam and myself. Michael had no one! Ha ha ha!!!! Also, Hunter had no one (but that is okay because he is a dick)!

Another summer day would see Michael, Cody, Danny, and myself (and Matt later on) playing together. Cody and Danny stuck together like glue (and they included me!). Once again Michael was left to himself.

Ha ha! You old loser!

The moral of that story is: 'Always be born at the correct time!'

Okay, time for another!

As I stated previously, Sam and I were inseparable. We did everything together during those long summer months. We were boss. This is most likely because when summer ended we both went back to total destruction by our brother(s) and school.

Fuck this right in the fucking ass.

Getting together two young and extremely outgoing girls is always bound to cause problems, especially when said two young girls have the imagination of Spongebob, times infinity squared.

IMAGINATION OVERLOAD!

Here is an example:

Trees!

Trees supplied us with almost everything we didn't have.

Want to play a game of house but the parents/grandparents forced you outside? No worries! Put a rock in between four trees, place a piece of large bark/random wood across that rock, and you have a house with a table!

This, without any of this.

Playing a game of 'girl gets the boy' and you don't have a boy? No sweat! Smack some lipstick on your face and make out with that succulent splintered wood! Insta-boyfriend!

Oh my handsome prince! Your eyes are bright blue! Your hair long and dark! Your posture so regal!

Playing some vigilante game and need bad guys? No fretting! Put your ass against the tree and pretend you are being held hostage. Kick and scream until the other person saves you! This can be done by kicking the tree repeatedly.

Playing outside and have to pee? Don't want to walk your ass to the house? No crying! Yank those pants down and piss over that tree with the hole in it! Public toilet! (I never said we weren't gross children).

Who uses this? Disgusting!!!

Need a seat? No moaning! Push over that rotten tree and take a nice big sit!

Multi-talented mofos!

Trees could also be used for war! Bet you didn't know that!

My paternal grandmother's house is surrounded by woods (it's actually pretty creepy). The woods at the back of her house lead down a hill, across a stream, and to a barbwire fence (the distant neighbors' property). At the edge of this fence were two massive trees that had fallen over. The uprooted earth and tangle of dying roots easily cleared a height of 6 feet. The trees themselves had fallen and were resting precariously among a group of still upright trees (the only thing keeping them from toppling completely to the ground). So of course when we saw them, we avoided them. 

Not today death-trap! We know what you want!

Just fucking kidding. We girls claimed the smaller (yet prettier) tree and made it our castle. The boys took the larger one (they in no way forced us to give it to them), and made it their fortress. We climbed the shit out of those fuckers, not giving one fuck about their dangerous location.

And did I mention that these trees could be captured? No? Or that the main point was to declare war on one another? Also no? How about the fact that our mortars were pine cones and our guns were of the cap variety? Still no? How about the fact that we often came home muddy and scratched up? *Sigh* The life of a child.

A noble weapon of conquer.

*******

Sam and I could make a game out of anything really.

Want to play lawyers? Take a doll and ask a random person to show you where they were touched using said doll. (My grandfather really didn't watch child-appropriate shows. I saw a stripper before I knew what one was.)

Want to be a super genius? The front porch can be your lab! The windowsills your keyboard! The windows your super computer!

Want to be a superhero? Bust out the front door singing your made up theme song! Run down the concrete walkway! Super Emma (Sam) do a cartwheel! Super Tanya (Rachel) do a somersault! Run to the gravel pile! End theme song! Start mission! Use trees liberally!

The possibilities are endless!

I see a nice bed, a meal, and maybe a dog!

Did it snow last night? If so, load up your sled and play 'Wipe-out Olympics' where the objective is to purposely crash as many times as possible! Rachel, did you slice your hand open? No worries keep going, the blood is pretty in the snow!

*****

Oh childhood, you wondrous thing. Fucking with Michael and cementing relationships.

But now you're gone and Michael's a poker dealer, Cody's a carpenter, Samantha is in Hawaii for college, Matthew is a Marine, and I'm a lowly secretary trying to go back to college and failing.

Where have you gone childhood? Come back.

******

Kelsey, your turn because we aren't posting enough!

Deuces everyone else!

Its been like four months

Hallo!

No, that is not terrible spelling. That is the German word for hello! True fact! I assume!

This is Kelsey, for those of you interested!

To start off...Rachel, what delightful posts you have created in the past. I especially enjoy this one and will follow suit with randomicityoscity.

I have 20 of these. I line them up and make a bed.

Eventually we will do a hot topic Friday. But, for today, I will follow Rachel's lead and format!

Random Topic #1: Five Random Facts About Myself 

1. I am currently going to college for my third year of failing horribly.

This is what college students do not look like. They aren't tired enough.

2. I am attempting to reread books from when I was 14 and also failing horribly.

These books are amazingly well written but are BORING TO A 20 YEAR OLD.

3. I can cook, actually, just never do because my mom is better.

My favorite food.

4. I dyed my hair blonde recently, yes, and it came out more orangish.

Its this exact color.

5. I am currently starving.

this is all I want right now. omgomgomg.

Random Topic #2: Five Random Facts about Rachel

 
 1. Rachel is freakishly tall and needs to stop it. Her bf, however, is taller and I hate them both.

2. She recently cut her hair after dying it black.

She looks like this, only she is white.

3. Rachel never gets angry in real life but is a very angry driver.

She yells at these things as if they can hear her and move.

 4. When we were in middle school she ignored me in the hallways. I forgive her.

5. We used to be really into Naruto and she spent like three days at my house watching it with me.

Random Topic #3: Idiots treating me like dirt at my job

 You can't go wrong with a job theme! I work at a convenience store gas station fast food kinda thing place thing. Idiots think this gives them the right to treat me like dirt. Rachel has a real job so doesn't always understand, but it kinda sucks. I stand there for 6 hours without a break because I'm the bottom of the food chain for breaks and some idiot wants to come complain at me about something stupid like our company changing our coffee creamers? I don't give a fuck! Then some dicks like to bark orders at me like I'm their slave.

Me: "Hi, how are you, sir!"

Fucktard: "GIVE ME TWO PALLMALL ORANGE 100S". 

Me: "Thats a really specific thing to be today, sir!"

Recently an old man came in and asked me for a carton of Winston Gold 100's. I moved our cigarette cases around because our cartons are right behind them.  We had five cartons of Gold Shorts, but no 100's, so I asked the man to wait for just a second while I check in the back. Eureka! There was a goldmine of Gold 100's back there and I happily brought him his carton. Only to find him glaring meanly at me and being snarky. I politily asked him what the problem was and the conversation went like this:

Me: Is there a problem, sir?

Dickface: Yeah, there is. You wasted my time running to the back to get these fucking cigarettes when there are five cartons of them right fucking there!

Me: I'm sorry, sir, but those are not 100's, those are shorts. You asked me for 100's.

Dickface: I'm not fucking blind, I've smoked these my whole life. Those are fucking 100's and you wasted my time. Look, they are right there!

Me: Sir, I am looking. I'm sorry I wasted your time, but those are definitely the shorts.

Dickface: Whatever, learn to do your fucking job.

Manager: Whats the problem, sir?

Dickface: This little girl wasted my time going in the back to get Winston Gold 100's when they are right fucking there is the problem! You need to hire people that actually fucking look.

Manager: Sir, those are the shorts. Here, let me show you. We don't have any 100's stocked out here currently, only shorts.

Dickface: I've smoked these my whole life!

And then he walked away grumbling. This kinda thing happens every time I work. Cigarettes are bad kids, mkay?

WHOOPS BET YOU WEREN'T EXPECTING THIS.

Random Topic #4: Fucking Mitt Romney

No. Just no. Ugh. NO.

 Random Topic #5: Better Hotties of the Week

1. Nicki Minaj

2. Emma Stone

3. Emma Watson

4. Dianna Agron

 5. Anne Hathaway

Random Topic #6: My Plans for the Future

Welp. This one is simple. I plan on finishing up a short story for a Christmas Gift, doing school stuff, and rewriting Character Analysis on my DNA Resister Characters. Thats a book I am writing, you guys. Hopefully, with Rachel's permission, I can post some of the character outlines, short entries about them, and even some of the book's first and second chapter.

I'm whipped though, so I need her permission.

And that's all, folks! Thanks for reading!

Are you random?

Hello all (that includes you Satan; also you, Jesus)!

Today is Friday! For this we are grateful. Let us all take a moment to bow down to our God.

And God said, "Let there be sex!"

Not your God you say? That is disgusting of you all ! Heretics! I say, "Shun the Non-Believer! I am without sin, so I will cast the first stone!"

Anyhoodlydoodly (creative licensing, AKA the ability to make shit up), I am cheerfully counting down the hours until the weekend. This week has gone on way too long and it must be vanquished. There can 'nary be a rested soul long as the Friday eats the heart of men.

The monster Friday, maybe you've heard of it?

Today is one of those days where you don't know what to do or what to say. I certainly have no clue what to excite you with (the batteries are dead in the mind-vibrator).

So...my only hope is being as random as the conversation spouting from the mouth of a Tourettes sufferer. 

Random Topic #1: 5 More Facts About Myself

1. I am on a M*A*S*H spin right now, and am obsessively watching the show.

Ah, nothing like death and destruction to bring out the awesome in you.

2. I can't cook to save my life. I burn pancakes, overcook spaghetti, and just pretty much fail.

A woman who can't cook? Absurd!

3. I took 6 years of Spanish and am still an incompetent idiot regarding the language.

4. My car is named Billie Jean California. Yes, I know it is a stupid name.

My car is a fucking purr-machine on the scale of 'car to my tires are cats who are afraid of water'.

5. I feel like a bad-ass when 'Fuel' by Metallica comes on while I'm driving (I'm not sure if this is normal).

Random Topic #2: 5 Facts About Kelsey

1. Kelsey is short. So very, very short. The type of short where capris become pants.  

I should have known this was you, Kelsey. You murderous midget.

2. Kelsey is one sexy ass mama. 

3. Kelsey has blond hair. 

Pretty much sums her up.

4. Kelsey is a great listener. We sometimes even agree on things!

5. Kelsey has a car named Dante. Dante is sad, almost as sad as Billie.

He's a fucking devil.

Random Topic #3: Idiots Applying for Jobs

The company I am working for is hiring warehouse personnel and drivers. All of these positions require a copy of a current and good-standing driving record. We stated this in the advertisement and reiterated the significance when each applicant came in. So tell me, why did we have a man apply with a driving record of -6 points? These points coming from such lovely incidents such as a DUI, driving under a suspended license, going 30-35 over the current speed limit, and failure to obey a traffic signal? Tell me why this person applied when he told me clearly that he had a felony record.

And he isn't the only one! I understand that the job market is hard and that people are looking for jobs. But really?

'Nuff said.

Random Topic #4: The Best Thing In The World

Today, the best thing in the world (in my opinion, but really, my opinion is the only one that matters) is my hatred of Mitt Romney.

Shut your whore-mouth, Romney, you underhanded piece of filth.

Random Topic #5: Addiction

I'm sorry to say I have an addiction, an addiction to Krave.

Fuck you Kelloggs. Stop trying to make me even fatter. 

Random Topic #6: Hottie of the Week

I believe a hottie of the week is in order. Of course, the men I find attractive are vastly different from the men Kelsey finds attractive. 

To make up for lost time, I'll give you five.

1. Chris Pine

2. Shamar Moore

3. Dermot Mulroney

4. James Marsden

5. Alan Rickman (I know, I'm a freaking weirdo)

Random Topic #6: The End

My inspiration is dry today (obviously the reason for my lack of originality and humor).

So I fare thee well, or whatever, and hope everyone has a luscious weekend.

Toodles!

Just kidding about the gnomes, Kelsey.

Mixing of the cultures...only with food.

I am not dead! Rejoice with me!

Say "Halle-fucking-lujah, Rachel!" with me 20 times!

Is this blasphemous?

I come to you today with a story of lunch. A lunch long since past, like maybe 5 minutes ago:

"Once upon a normal noon where clouds were saying, "fuck you, too", I noticed it was time for lunch, and with haste, set my paperwork down in an array of fuck. I traversed to the office fridge, battling the cool A/C and random wine boxes (and for you adventurers there was much blood to be had). I dueled with the fridge handle for merely a moment and finally laid eyes upon my home-packed lunch. I could see with disdain that the Boyfriend had been there first, stealing my precious Frito Lays and leaving me with the Nacho Doritos. I muttered a curse to his name, his future children, and his dog, before hauling my find off to my cluttered desk. What was I to do with a measly PB&J and serving size bag of Doritos? I pondered as I sent out an e-mail and my brain churned with all types of fervor. Aha! I proclaimed. I know what to do. I poured the chips in the sandwich and made something new! How clever was I? How utterly wise? To make a new sandwich that no one would dare criticize. And so I settled down to eat, hoping my sandwich would make me complete. And oh it did! I swear! I vow! I loved my sandwich, don't wonder how. And yes, I ate that whole damn thing while others watched...some with disdain."

 Fuck yes, motherfucker! Eat all the shit! All of it!

On another note:

This. Fucking this right fucking here:

That is all. Seriously. 

Bored to be a Bore

Are you readers dead yet?

I mean, it has been quite a while since I last posted and we all know you don't come here for Kelsey (call her Kelley, she loves it).

Have you all been sitting in your chairs, glued to the spot as you wait with bated breath for my words of wisdom? Have some of you died and rotted as though you were a perma-virgin nerd who just received their much awaited (*note* excessively awaited) copy of Diablo 3?

Nature's way of weeding out the population.

Also, perma-virgin nerd is like permafrost only having nothing to do with the ground, frost, or barren wasteland. 

Scratch that: perma-virgin nerd is a barren wasteland. No vaginas will be setting up roots there.

And without further procrastination, here is some IM Backlog fun:

: Kelsey Owens is online.

Kelsey Owens:

omg theres an app on facebook to find out your american indian name

Kelsey Owens:

Imma do mine ,tag ty, and be like "ITS YOUR TURN NOW."

OrochiNazi: What was yours?

Kelsey Owens:

oh. i didnt look

Kelsey Owens:

I was busy doing something

OrochiNazi: Oh, well. Fine.

OrochiNazi: My God, why is this week dragging on so long.

Kelsey Owens:

Im sorry

OrochiNazi: Don't you think this week is extra long?

Kelsey Owens:

Nope.

Kelsey Owens:

Okay yes.

Kelsey Owens:

Im bored as fuck.

Kelsey Owens:

I was invited to a christmas party friday

Kelsey Owens:

I dont know anyone there

OrochiNazi: Go anyway. Make lots of new friends.

OrochiNazi: Have a random drunken one night stand

Kelsey Owens:

Umm

Kelsey Owens:

No?

Kelsey Owens:

Thats perfectly okay?

OrochiNazi: Fine. Don't be a slut.

Kelsey Owens:

Im sorry

OrochiNazi: You should be.

Kelsey Owens:

I know how much you wanted me to follow in your footsteps

OrochiNazi: I did.

OrochiNazi: I did want you to follow in my footsteps. Why do you have to kill my dreams?

OrochiNazi: Why?

OrochiNazi: Why?

Kelsey Owens:

Because you're a lesbian

Kelsey Owens:

and I dont believe in you

OrochiNazi: I'm real.

Kelsey Owens:

NO YOU ARENT

OrochiNazi: I am.

OrochiNazi: http://9gag.com/gag/1179955

Kelsey Owens:

wth

Kelsey Owens:

old people

Kelsey Owens:

wth

Kelsey Owens:

I dont like old people because they'll die soon

Kelsey Owens:

Stop dancing to your grave, old man

Ciao mis chicos bonitos.

*Edit* The above link to 9gag does not work. Here is the video: