This is Rachel, bringing you your reading pleasure.
Like this! Pleasure for your eyes!
I may not be a child anymore.
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21 is so old!!!!!!
But I can still recall the days when I was young, and summer was free, and the wind was beckoning me to run.
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Run, Pocahontas, run! This was me, only not. I wasn't running to save anyone but myself.
Speaking of saving myself, I am one in a trio of siblings. I am the middle child and the only girl. My older brother is two years above me, and my younger brother is a year and a half below me. I was not lucky, you only child motherfuckers who complain all the fucking time...fuck you...
On one hand, I can be thankful my brothers made me tough, on the other, well, getting shot hurts. I've been shot with a BB gun, an air-soft pistol, a CO2 air rifle, etc., and I'm fairly certain my brothers would have gladly shot me with a .22 or .300 if they could.
The point is I had douche-canoe brothers, and if I cried I got the generic 'boys will be boys'.
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Note the misspelling of 'her' as 'here'. This is sadly due to a misapplied education regarding penis.
Most girls with brothers know what I'm talking about. The feeling of a rock hitting your shoulder, the pain of a stick-sword thwacking into your head, the bloodiness of a good makeshift BMX tournament. You know what I'm talking about.
There is a 100% likelihood that the lump was me.
And did I mention there were only two girls out of our 8 person, first-cousin group.
Yep, us first-cousins bonded like straight up hydrogen (and other shit that bonds in chemistry).
The breakdown is the following (with initials, and maybe a picture, to make everyone feel better):
Older Brother, MTM (Michael) - the first-born of the grandchildren (gets everything he fucking wants...ever).
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Me, RAM (Rachel) - the first-born granddaughter of the lot (never gets anything she wants, is always wrong).
Female First-Cousin (only other female), SMM (Samantha) - born in Hawaii (doesn't matter what she got, she turned into a fucking bombshell beauty).
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Extra M with your S&M.
Younger Brother, CJM (Cody) - second-born male grandchild (got everything he wanted as well for being the baby of my parents).
Male First-Cousin #1, MSM (Matthew) - now a Marine (was probably also spoiled. I don't know. He wasn't me).
Male First-Cousin #2, D-A (Danny) (I don't remember his middle name, leave me be) - can build robots and shit.
Male First-Cousin #3, M-A (Matthew) (I also don't remember his middle name, also leave me be) - autistic and all that.
Male First-Cousin #4, MHM (Hunter) (he goes by his middle name) - a brat, pure and simple. Also, redneck.
So to put the ages into perspective:
If I was 6, Michael was 8, Cody was 4 or 5 depending on the day, Sam (being almost a year younger than me) was 5 or 6, Matt (being the same as Cody) was 4 or 5, Danny (also being the same as Cody) was 4 or 5, Matt (being 7 years younger) was -1, and Hunter (being 7 years younger) was -1.
This is important because it fucked Michael over (which is hilarious always). Samantha, Matt M., and Hunter are children on my dad's side of the family. Danny and Matt A. are children on my mom's side. We only hung out with children from one side at a time (we are family-racist like that).
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So a typical summer day would see Michael, Sam, Matt, Cody, and myself (and Hunter later on) playing together. Matt and Cody stuck together like glue, as did Sam and myself. Michael had no one! Ha ha ha!!!! Also, Hunter had no one (but that is okay because he is a dick)!
Another summer day would see Michael, Cody, Danny, and myself (and Matt later on) playing together. Cody and Danny stuck together like glue (and they included me!). Once again Michael was left to himself.
Ha ha! You old loser!
The moral of that story is: 'Always be born at the correct time!'
Okay, time for another!
As I stated previously, Sam and I were inseparable. We did everything together during those long summer months. We were boss. This is most likely because when summer ended we both went back to total destruction by our brother(s) and school.
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Getting together two young and extremely outgoing girls is always bound to cause problems, especially when said two young girls have the imagination of Spongebob, times infinity squared.
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Here is an example:
Trees!
Trees supplied us with almost everything we didn't have.
Want to play a game of house but the parents/grandparents forced you outside? No worries! Put a rock in between four trees, place a piece of large bark/random wood across that rock, and you have a house with a table!
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Playing a game of 'girl gets the boy' and you don't have a boy? No sweat! Smack some lipstick on your face and make out with that succulent splintered wood! Insta-boyfriend!
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Playing some vigilante game and need bad guys? No fretting! Put your ass against the tree and pretend you are being held hostage. Kick and scream until the other person saves you! This can be done by kicking the tree repeatedly.
Playing outside and have to pee? Don't want to walk your ass to the house? No crying! Yank those pants down and piss over that tree with the hole in it! Public toilet! (I never said we weren't gross children).
Need a seat? No moaning! Push over that rotten tree and take a nice big sit!
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Yep, us first-cousins bonded like straight up hydrogen (and other shit that bonds in chemistry).
The breakdown is the following (with initials, and maybe a picture, to make everyone feel better):
Older Brother, MTM (Michael) - the first-born of the grandchildren (gets everything he fucking wants...ever).
*Note* Tranny is not in the title of this book.
Me, RAM (Rachel) - the first-born granddaughter of the lot (never gets anything she wants, is always wrong).
Bam! Look at my paint skills!
Female First-Cousin (only other female), SMM (Samantha) - born in Hawaii (doesn't matter what she got, she turned into a fucking bombshell beauty).
Male First-Cousin #2, D-A (Danny) (I don't remember his middle name, leave me be) - can build robots and shit.
Male First-Cousin #3, M-A (Matthew) (I also don't remember his middle name, also leave me be) - autistic and all that.
Male First-Cousin #4, MHM (Hunter) (he goes by his middle name) - a brat, pure and simple. Also, redneck.
So to put the ages into perspective:
If I was 6, Michael was 8, Cody was 4 or 5 depending on the day, Sam (being almost a year younger than me) was 5 or 6, Matt (being the same as Cody) was 4 or 5, Danny (also being the same as Cody) was 4 or 5, Matt (being 7 years younger) was -1, and Hunter (being 7 years younger) was -1.
This is important because it fucked Michael over (which is hilarious always). Samantha, Matt M., and Hunter are children on my dad's side of the family. Danny and Matt A. are children on my mom's side. We only hung out with children from one side at a time (we are family-racist like that).
I don't know about my baby, but certainly my family.
Another summer day would see Michael, Cody, Danny, and myself (and Matt later on) playing together. Cody and Danny stuck together like glue (and they included me!). Once again Michael was left to himself.
Ha ha! You old loser!
The moral of that story is: 'Always be born at the correct time!'
Okay, time for another!
As I stated previously, Sam and I were inseparable. We did everything together during those long summer months. We were boss. This is most likely because when summer ended we both went back to total destruction by our brother(s) and school.
Fuck this right in the fucking ass.
Getting together two young and extremely outgoing girls is always bound to cause problems, especially when said two young girls have the imagination of Spongebob, times infinity squared.
IMAGINATION OVERLOAD!
Here is an example:
Trees!
Trees supplied us with almost everything we didn't have.
Want to play a game of house but the parents/grandparents forced you outside? No worries! Put a rock in between four trees, place a piece of large bark/random wood across that rock, and you have a house with a table!
This, without any of this.
Playing a game of 'girl gets the boy' and you don't have a boy? No sweat! Smack some lipstick on your face and make out with that succulent splintered wood! Insta-boyfriend!
Oh my handsome prince! Your eyes are bright blue! Your hair long and dark! Your posture so regal!
Playing some vigilante game and need bad guys? No fretting! Put your ass against the tree and pretend you are being held hostage. Kick and scream until the other person saves you! This can be done by kicking the tree repeatedly.
Playing outside and have to pee? Don't want to walk your ass to the house? No crying! Yank those pants down and piss over that tree with the hole in it! Public toilet! (I never said we weren't gross children).
Who uses this? Disgusting!!!
Multi-talented mofos!
Trees could also be used for war! Bet you didn't know that!
My paternal grandmother's house is surrounded by woods (it's actually pretty creepy). The woods at the back of her house lead down a hill, across a stream, and to a barbwire fence (the distant neighbors' property). At the edge of this fence were two massive trees that had fallen over. The uprooted earth and tangle of dying roots easily cleared a height of 6 feet. The trees themselves had fallen and were resting precariously among a group of still upright trees (the only thing keeping them from toppling completely to the ground). So of course when we saw them, we avoided them.
Not today death-trap! We know what you want!
Just fucking kidding. We girls claimed the smaller (yet prettier) tree and made it our castle. The boys took the larger one (they in no way forced us to give it to them), and made it their fortress. We climbed the shit out of those fuckers, not giving one fuck about their dangerous location.
And did I mention that these trees could be captured? No? Or that the main point was to declare war on one another? Also no? How about the fact that our mortars were pine cones and our guns were of the cap variety? Still no? How about the fact that we often came home muddy and scratched up? *Sigh* The life of a child.
A noble weapon of conquer.
*******
Sam and I could make a game out of anything really.
Want to play lawyers? Take a doll and ask a random person to show you where they were touched using said doll. (My grandfather really didn't watch child-appropriate shows. I saw a stripper before I knew what one was.)
Want to be a super genius? The front porch can be your lab! The windowsills your keyboard! The windows your super computer!
Want to be a superhero? Bust out the front door singing your made up theme song! Run down the concrete walkway! Super Emma (Sam) do a cartwheel! Super Tanya (Rachel) do a somersault! Run to the gravel pile! End theme song! Start mission! Use trees liberally!
The possibilities are endless!
I see a nice bed, a meal, and maybe a dog!
Did it snow last night? If so, load up your sled and play 'Wipe-out Olympics' where the objective is to purposely crash as many times as possible! Rachel, did you slice your hand open? No worries keep going, the blood is pretty in the snow!
*****
Oh childhood, you wondrous thing. Fucking with Michael and cementing relationships.
But now you're gone and Michael's a poker dealer, Cody's a carpenter, Samantha is in Hawaii for college, Matthew is a Marine, and I'm a lowly secretary trying to go back to college and failing.
Where have you gone childhood? Come back.
******
Kelsey, your turn because we aren't posting enough!
Deuces everyone else!
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