College Adventures and That Feel, Bro, Thursday

Howdy, Questers! Its Kelsey, your friendly neighborhood kidnapper and child eater!

Like this, but with children.

Currently I am so stressed out I'm ready to have a melt down.

Tomorrow I am leaving for a Forensic's tournament. No, not the science Forensics. The speaking forensics.

Anyways, tomorrow I leave for the tourney and I am flipping out. I am doing informative speech, which I havent memorized...Poetry, which Im not good at....and Declamation which is just for fun so whatever.

So, I took time outta my busy schedule to post a That Feel, Bro Thursday

That feel when you have important things to do so you ignore them to do something completely unnecessary...otherwise known as procrastination.

Perfect

 

The Cast - In Rachel's Mind

Another post? What? Unheard of!

I know, it's un-fucking-believable.

If there is one thing I do, it is include others in my posts (without their consent). And you hardly know them. Sure, you might know Kelsey is my friend, but what makes her my friend? You may know I have a boyfriend, but I don't know if I told you his name or even who he is. Thus, comes this post.

#1) Me

My name is Rachel. My initials are RAM. I will be turning 22 years old next month. I have black hair (dyed). I have blue eyes. I wear glasses (sometimes contacts). I am loud. I am obnoxious. I am opinionated, even when I shouldn't be. I am atheist. I am pro-choice. I hate presidential candidate Romney. I hate pointless violence. I hate the show Spartacus. I love all things medical (excluding psychiatry). I love trying new things. I love tattoos. I want to move to a big city. I want a Tibetan Mastiff. I wish I could speak different languages. And even with all this I have a boyfriend.

Nicknames culminated throughout the years: Raquel (Spanish class. Variations include Raquel en Fuego and Raquel Forelli), Rachel #2 (Spanish V class. There were 5 students. There were 2 Rachel's. I was the least favorite), Aladdin (A crazy goth girl with the legitimate name Metallica gave me this moniker because Aladdin was my favorite Disney movie at the time), Cleopatra (A friend Christen nicknamed me this, I do not know why), Posh Spice (Self-explanatory in a way. My friends and I were obsessed with the Spice Girls in elementary school), Ray Ray (Mr. Hamrock, my third grade teacher called me this), God of Gods ('nuff said),  and Sprinkles (Obviously because I'm gay).

#2) Kelsey

Her name is Kelley. She hates the name Kelsey. Her initials are KAO. She will be 21 next year. She has blondish-hair (dyed), bluish-gray eyes, and wears glasses. She is loud, although not as loud as me, and not nearly as obnoxious. She too is opinionated, but smart enough to know when to keep it to herself. She is atheist. I think she is pro-choice, but I don't want to peg her as such if she has varying opinion. She hates Romney, but then again everyone does. She loves killing children. She hate gnomes. She loves psychiatry and stuff like that. Kelsey's opinion on trying new things is probably a bit like mine. Kelsey has a tattoo of my naked body on her boobs. Kelsey wants to move to China. She loves China. Kelsey likes corgi dogs. Kelsey is fluent in pig Latin. Kelsey does not currently have a boyfriend, just me. *Some of the things listed above may not be true.*

Kelsey is my best friend. We get along pretty fabulously. She knows most things about me, including my secrets. I know most things about her as well. I have fun when I'm with her and I trust her completely. We may argue about stupid things (mainly because I'm stupid), but we always forge on. I want her to be my Maid of Honor (if I ever get married), and an unofficial aunt to my future children. I want to keep in contact for as long as I can (hopefully until I die).

The one bad thing about Kelsey is that she isn't on the cool side and cut over. This seriously puts a dent in my street credibility.

Nicknames: Rainbow (because she is gay).

#3) Tyler

Tyler is my boyfriend (dating 1 year, 3 months as of yesterday). His initials are TCS. He will be turning 22 a month after me. He has black hair. It used to be long before work made him cut it off (extreme pout!). He has brown eyes that turn gold in the light (he must be a vampire). He is a red man (I must steal his land). He is like over half a foot taller than me. He has a new car and it's awesome. He is my polar opposite in a lot of things including loudness, obnoxiousness, and opinions. He is pro-choice. He believes in God, but not organized religion. He likes Romney and not Obama (how do we date?!). He likes to shoot guns, and is a pro at archery (because he is a red man). He loves several shows and movies I hate: Spartacus, The Walking Dead, and Star Wars. Tyler loves computers and knows his stuff. He finished Calculus in like 7th grade or something ridiculous like that. He is 1 billion times smarter than me. He is manly and isn't afraid to try new things (like taking down an elk with a spear). He has a tattoo on his back that is awesome. Tyler actually doesn't care about moving away from gay Virginia. He wants a wolf/wolf-hybrid. He can speak lots of German.

Tyler is the love of my life. The man I want to marry (even though I don't get the point of marriage). The man I want to father my children. The man I miss everyday at work. The man I worry about. The man I care about. The person who means everything to me.

Nicknames: Ty Ty (his adorable sister Jenna calls him that, and I do too), Pip (before me), Chives (also before me).

#4) Wahya

Wahya is Tyler's 2 year old dog. I unwillingly (at first) became Wahya's new mommy when I laid claim to Tyler (and he is mine!!!). Wahya is a husky-lab mix. He is completely white (he was the dog in the last post). He has one eye where the top half is blue and the bottom half is brown, and another eye that is reversed (top brown, bottom blue). His mother was a purebred black lab. His father was a purebred black husky. Why is Wahya white? I don't know! Wahya knocked up Tyler's mother's German Shepherd, Dakota, and she had like 10 puppies. Wahya got snipped as a measure to calm him down (cruel? Maybe). He did not calm down. Wahya can sit, lay down, wait/stay, give high fives, and bunny hop. However, he has selective hearing. He has to walk on a leash because he likes to chase things like cars, animals, leaves, and the wind. He likes to sleep on the bed. He likes to bark at noise. He growls a lot. He is very vocal, but isn't mean and would never bite (*note* Huskies like to talk). If you make noises at him, he will make noises back. If you howl at him, he will throw his head back and howl to copy you. He likes to jump on people. He always jumps on daddy's (note: Tyler's) balls. Not funny Wahya, I do want children some day. He eats bugs. He drinks out of the toilet. He sheds...a lot. He eats a lot of food. He attacks the vacuum. He is dumb, but also incredibly smart.

I love my puppy so very much! He is mine, and not Tyler's (despite what Tyler will say).

Nicknames: No don't do that, Stop chewing that, Quit sticking your nose in the garbage, Bad dog, Bad boy, Don't eat the horse poop, etc. (you can imagine the rest).

#5) Michael

Michael is my older brother. He is a serial killer in the making.

Nicknames: Fuck you, Shut up, Dumb fuck, Asshole, Anal Pagan, Eternal virgin.

#6) Cody

Cody is my younger brother. He is just a brother.

Nicknames: CJ, You, Hey you, Build me this.

I know there are way more people to mention, but I grow weary and forgetful. So....

Until next time my questadors!

My Soul is Dead (Courtesy of Fucking Spiders)

You lovely readers probably do not know that I, Rachel, live in an apartment above a barn.

You may be thinking, 'well, that's disgusting', and you'd be absolutely wrong. It's actually awesome...save for one minor (*cough* major) thing: WILDLIFE.

I live way back in bum-fuck nowhere, surrounded by woods, woods, and more woods. The only break are the horse pastures which are also enclosed in ridiculous amounts of forest.

This is my life.

And here's another funny tidbit about me. I hate the woods, I hate the dark, and I hate being in a place where no one can hear me scream when I get slaughtered by Slenderman or some shit.

This is an example of what I don't want to see in the woods at night.

So of course signing a lease for just that is the smart move, right?

...Right?

You should see me walk the dog at night.

I wrap up tight, turn on my flashlight Droid app, and creep outside. I always inspect the front porch first before descending the 20+ fucking stairs with extra caution. Who knows? A fucking clown with a knife could be standing behind the second flight.

Little boy or not, no thank you!

I hit the concrete pavement leading into the dark barn and check twice up the hallway in said barn.

Ha! You won't fool me serial killers! I know you are hiding everywhere.

These are pretty much my *Racrazy thoughts at this point: Holy shit! What's that light? Oh, my flashlight reflecting off of the metal stall doors. Is that the face of Satan!? No, just the second trashcan at the end of the barn. OMG! What is that noise?!!!! Oh, just the horses eating their timothy. Jesus, what is that noise now?!!!!!! Whew! Just the automatic fly misters doing their job.

*Racrazy - copyrighted, all rights reserved by Rachel.

Once past the heavy wood of the barn doors I take flight onto the gravel and the motion-detecting floodlight powers on*.

*Note: motion-detecting floodlight also likes to come on when an animal walks by, a leaf blows by, an ant crawls by a little too quickly, a moth gets a little too close, or when it's raining. It is not comforting to be chilling on the couch, watching a movie, and seeing the floodlight light up. That could be a murderous escaped convict, but it is probably a strong wind instead.

The dog absolutely has to pee out of the comfort range of the light. He also has to poop in the woods, and only in the woods. Thus, he forces me to combine things I hate. The dark and the woods...and homicidal maniacs (like my brother, Michael).

The Boyfriend does not care and probably laughs at my terrified form when I sprint back inside.

Ha! You were only seconds from catching me Boogeyman. Only. Seconds.

No. Just. Fucking. No.

So to come back from my ridiculous tangent. WILDLIFE! 

Yes, living in the woods is a surprisingly great way to experience wildlife. For starters, the other day I found a dead squirrel (with no apparent injuries) floating in the horses water trough. 

What the fuck squirrel? Seriously, ruined my day.

I had to dump the water and proceed to chuck the squirrel in the woods. It was water-logged and disgusting. Dog wanted to eat it. Dog only understands the word 'no' when he wants to.

I love you dog. I do. But you don't ever listen!

Or, how about when I get home from work and am mucking the stalls. There is complete silence save for the occasional stall door kick from The Diva (*note* DeeDee the horse who thinks she is entitled to everything), maybe a few crickets, the occasional fly-mister episode, the thunk of wet shavings in the wheelbarrow, a whippoorwill or two, and then...a piercing howl? What the fuck is that?

The single howl elicits a collection of following howls, thousands of them it seems, coming from every direction. Oh God! I'm not safe.

Yes, folks. Coyotes. Everywhere. Every afternoon. They wait. They seethe. They hope to catch Dog. They hope to catch me.

So cute. So deadly. So fucking annoyingly loud.

The apartment was brand new when Boyfriend and I moved in. We were the only two to sign the lease. Just us. Only us. Not a million other creatures. I see you ant. I do.

What is your purpose here? Jack Sparrow sent me to settle his debt. (Fuck you Johnny Deppantman)

When I get a drink, an ant is chilling on the counter. When I wash the dishes, 10 ants are clambering in the sink. When I take a piss, an ant casually strolls by the toilet (perv). 

I also have a new best friend:

Ah, be my murdering partner always.

And the ants, to counter me, got a new best friend as well. I saw them in the feed room first. Slick bodies skittering away in the light. You will not infiltrate my brand new apartment! You hear me?

Fuck you. This isn't fair. Why torture me!!!???

My murdering pest-control friends are my salvation. And for all the money they are stealing, they are including spider-murder frenzy.

This makes me happy. So very happy.  Until this morning.

Dear Orkin,

Why? Why is it that while I was feeding the horses this morning I spied a spider chilling in the doorway of the feed room? Why?

Are you sure you are not using a steroid to pump spiders up? Because my soul is dead now. Do you know why, Orkin? Do you? 

DO YOU?

This spider was the biggest I have ever seen. EVER.

Bigger than a silver dollar.

This. No spider should be this.

Actually, scratch that. It was like two of those. And it was just fucking taking a break...in my way.

I could feel my soul shredding as it stared at me. It seemed to dare me to move past it. 

Actually, it was this:

God, it is foul. My soul!

That my dear Orkin, is a wolf spider. They have toxic bites (not deadly, just extremely painful), and are soul murdering bastards. 

I've probably haven't told you I hate spiders. I never thought I needed to. Let me clarify Orkin, I. HATE. SPIDERS. I have chills just posting pictures. I hate them. They terrify me. They should all burn. Fuck insect population control. I don't care. 

So, big ass spider was in my way, and I had to get into the feed room. I plucked up my courage and forged past, not making eye contact. It didn't move. Maybe it is dying, Orkin? Maybe?

When I finished feeding the horses I traveled back, morbid curiosity getting the better of me. A closer look turned up this:

How fucked up is this spider? Right?

And that was when I realized. This huge ass spider was coated in baby spiders. COATED. So long soul! I'll miss you! Goodbye - courtesy of Orkin.

And that was also when I backed the fuck up, skin crawling in dread. Fuck no. This shit was evil. Pure fucking evil. What the fuck, Orkin? Why have you forsaken me?

Do you know what Dog did Orkin? Do you? Dog sniffed Baby Coated Wolf Spider. Dog did that. Baby Coated Wolf Spider darted, and became Half Baby Coated Wolf Spider. Noooooooooo! Orkin!!!!

My skin. It squirms!

Orkin, this won't do. Orkin, I thought better of you. I felt we were friends and you used me! Please come back immediately and rectify the problem. Please. Mother Wolf Spider is dead in the trashcan. Babies are everywhere. Please Orkin. Mend our trust! Help me survive. This is your job!

Sincerely,

In a 'not cool bro mood' Rachel

P.S. I'll take back the ants if you will please just make it so I never see this again. Thank you.

On another note, a mama black bear has set up shop with her baby nearby. I'm going to die.

On another another note, a groundhog is tearing shit up.

On another another another note, I almost hit a deer in my driveway yesterday.

On another another another another note, why are chipmunks ninja fast?

On another another another another another note, why do I keep hearing a cow? I have no cows?

Maybe I should have rented in the city.

My soul is not cut out for this.

Boyfriend just laughs at me. He laughs. The spider episode this morning? He actually guffawed at me. Um, what? No blow jobs ever again then, dick-hole.