The Cast - In Rachel's Mind

Another post? What? Unheard of!

I know, it's un-fucking-believable.

If there is one thing I do, it is include others in my posts (without their consent). And you hardly know them. Sure, you might know Kelsey is my friend, but what makes her my friend? You may know I have a boyfriend, but I don't know if I told you his name or even who he is. Thus, comes this post.

#1) Me

My name is Rachel. My initials are RAM. I will be turning 22 years old next month. I have black hair (dyed). I have blue eyes. I wear glasses (sometimes contacts). I am loud. I am obnoxious. I am opinionated, even when I shouldn't be. I am atheist. I am pro-choice. I hate presidential candidate Romney. I hate pointless violence. I hate the show Spartacus. I love all things medical (excluding psychiatry). I love trying new things. I love tattoos. I want to move to a big city. I want a Tibetan Mastiff. I wish I could speak different languages. And even with all this I have a boyfriend.

Nicknames culminated throughout the years: Raquel (Spanish class. Variations include Raquel en Fuego and Raquel Forelli), Rachel #2 (Spanish V class. There were 5 students. There were 2 Rachel's. I was the least favorite), Aladdin (A crazy goth girl with the legitimate name Metallica gave me this moniker because Aladdin was my favorite Disney movie at the time), Cleopatra (A friend Christen nicknamed me this, I do not know why), Posh Spice (Self-explanatory in a way. My friends and I were obsessed with the Spice Girls in elementary school), Ray Ray (Mr. Hamrock, my third grade teacher called me this), God of Gods ('nuff said),  and Sprinkles (Obviously because I'm gay).

#2) Kelsey

Her name is Kelley. She hates the name Kelsey. Her initials are KAO. She will be 21 next year. She has blondish-hair (dyed), bluish-gray eyes, and wears glasses. She is loud, although not as loud as me, and not nearly as obnoxious. She too is opinionated, but smart enough to know when to keep it to herself. She is atheist. I think she is pro-choice, but I don't want to peg her as such if she has varying opinion. She hates Romney, but then again everyone does. She loves killing children. She hate gnomes. She loves psychiatry and stuff like that. Kelsey's opinion on trying new things is probably a bit like mine. Kelsey has a tattoo of my naked body on her boobs. Kelsey wants to move to China. She loves China. Kelsey likes corgi dogs. Kelsey is fluent in pig Latin. Kelsey does not currently have a boyfriend, just me. *Some of the things listed above may not be true.*

Kelsey is my best friend. We get along pretty fabulously. She knows most things about me, including my secrets. I know most things about her as well. I have fun when I'm with her and I trust her completely. We may argue about stupid things (mainly because I'm stupid), but we always forge on. I want her to be my Maid of Honor (if I ever get married), and an unofficial aunt to my future children. I want to keep in contact for as long as I can (hopefully until I die).

The one bad thing about Kelsey is that she isn't on the cool side and cut over. This seriously puts a dent in my street credibility.

Nicknames: Rainbow (because she is gay).

#3) Tyler

Tyler is my boyfriend (dating 1 year, 3 months as of yesterday). His initials are TCS. He will be turning 22 a month after me. He has black hair. It used to be long before work made him cut it off (extreme pout!). He has brown eyes that turn gold in the light (he must be a vampire). He is a red man (I must steal his land). He is like over half a foot taller than me. He has a new car and it's awesome. He is my polar opposite in a lot of things including loudness, obnoxiousness, and opinions. He is pro-choice. He believes in God, but not organized religion. He likes Romney and not Obama (how do we date?!). He likes to shoot guns, and is a pro at archery (because he is a red man). He loves several shows and movies I hate: Spartacus, The Walking Dead, and Star Wars. Tyler loves computers and knows his stuff. He finished Calculus in like 7th grade or something ridiculous like that. He is 1 billion times smarter than me. He is manly and isn't afraid to try new things (like taking down an elk with a spear). He has a tattoo on his back that is awesome. Tyler actually doesn't care about moving away from gay Virginia. He wants a wolf/wolf-hybrid. He can speak lots of German.

Tyler is the love of my life. The man I want to marry (even though I don't get the point of marriage). The man I want to father my children. The man I miss everyday at work. The man I worry about. The man I care about. The person who means everything to me.

Nicknames: Ty Ty (his adorable sister Jenna calls him that, and I do too), Pip (before me), Chives (also before me).

#4) Wahya

Wahya is Tyler's 2 year old dog. I unwillingly (at first) became Wahya's new mommy when I laid claim to Tyler (and he is mine!!!). Wahya is a husky-lab mix. He is completely white (he was the dog in the last post). He has one eye where the top half is blue and the bottom half is brown, and another eye that is reversed (top brown, bottom blue). His mother was a purebred black lab. His father was a purebred black husky. Why is Wahya white? I don't know! Wahya knocked up Tyler's mother's German Shepherd, Dakota, and she had like 10 puppies. Wahya got snipped as a measure to calm him down (cruel? Maybe). He did not calm down. Wahya can sit, lay down, wait/stay, give high fives, and bunny hop. However, he has selective hearing. He has to walk on a leash because he likes to chase things like cars, animals, leaves, and the wind. He likes to sleep on the bed. He likes to bark at noise. He growls a lot. He is very vocal, but isn't mean and would never bite (*note* Huskies like to talk). If you make noises at him, he will make noises back. If you howl at him, he will throw his head back and howl to copy you. He likes to jump on people. He always jumps on daddy's (note: Tyler's) balls. Not funny Wahya, I do want children some day. He eats bugs. He drinks out of the toilet. He sheds...a lot. He eats a lot of food. He attacks the vacuum. He is dumb, but also incredibly smart.

I love my puppy so very much! He is mine, and not Tyler's (despite what Tyler will say).

Nicknames: No don't do that, Stop chewing that, Quit sticking your nose in the garbage, Bad dog, Bad boy, Don't eat the horse poop, etc. (you can imagine the rest).

#5) Michael

Michael is my older brother. He is a serial killer in the making.

Nicknames: Fuck you, Shut up, Dumb fuck, Asshole, Anal Pagan, Eternal virgin.

#6) Cody

Cody is my younger brother. He is just a brother.

Nicknames: CJ, You, Hey you, Build me this.

I know there are way more people to mention, but I grow weary and forgetful. So....

Until next time my questadors!

My Chinese-addicted brother

Hello everyone who is lesser than me (this means you Jesus).

You'd hate to know what else he does with those holes.

I come to you today to fill your lives with the glory...the glory that is my older brother, Michael. And by glory I mean Anal-Pagan.

What is an Anal-Pagan you ask?

Anal-Pagan

Michael.

Do you see that Anal-Pagan over there?

Holy fuck, it is Michael.

Fucking Anal-Pagan.

by Not an Anal-Pagan on May 15, 2012

tags: michael, anal, pagan, anal-pagan, germs

So yes, Michael is the topic. Let me tell you a little about him:

*He is two years older than me.

*He is a poker dealer.

*He drives a Subaru Forester

 This is the car of serial-killers.

*He is a serial-killer. Okay, not really, just borderline or something.

*He threw me down a flight of stairs when I was like 12.

Stairs caused my permanently bruised coccyx. Fucking whores.

*He exclusively hangs around with Chinese people. I'm not joking.

*He is Satan.

Like this, only with more smiling people and shotguns.

Do you all understand? Do you? I had to grow up with this person. Me, a girl, alone with Michael and his murderous tendencies.

Of course he is moved out by now so I don't have to worry about locking my door at night...

Just kidding, I totally still lock my door.

Anyway, you must be asking yourselves why I am not filling your ears with facts about me. You are probably bemoaning the loss and are at this very moment eating 5 pints of Ben & Jerry's. 

I loved you Rachel. Don't you see? We are meant to be together. No, that dead child was a present. A PRESENT!

Here is why Michael is the topic of today:

I was upstairs last night, playing Infamous 2 on evil, as I was waiting for Tyler to get home from work.

This game wins at life. 

I was totally engrossed in an epic battle with Bertrand (monster-form) when I was called downstairs to try something my brother had brought over with him.

I'd hit the shit out of that. Umpf!

Have you all ever heard of Peedan/Pidan (preserved eggs)?

Duck eggs at their most vacuum-sealed.

A Peedan/Pidan egg is a duck egg that has been caked in mud and buried for a couple weeks (according to my brother who could very well be wrong).

They look like this once peeled:

Yummy, yummy, yummy I got love in my tummy...or was that Salmonella?

Then the real horror starts when you slice them open.

Kind of like 40 year old condoms in a red casing.

Michael regularly eats these. He really isn't helping his case against him being a serial-killer.

Now, my brother and I constantly fight and berate each other (siblings at their best!). Unfortunately, this means I have to always prove him wrong. Thus comes the part where I die inside. He called me a pussy, saying I would not ever eat the egg.

I proved him wrong.

Peedan/Pidan does smell and taste like egg. You can imagine my surprise at this fact. However, the taste does not make up for the consistency. The red part has the consistency of jello and looks like blood-snot. The grey-yellow yolk is extra creamy and sticks to your throat like Superglue. This is not a winning combination.

If you cannot tell already, I hated eating this egg.

No matter, Michael had more crazy up his sleeve.

Welcome, Lychee Coconut Jam. 

15 servings per container, 30 calories per serving! What a deal!

These little 'desserts' come in tiny little cubes (all packed and ready to kill you). 

The jelly/jam is opaque (bordering on white), yet still clear and filled with tiny chunks of coconut jelly.

This sperm-looking stuff, only much smaller and cuboid.

The smell is a mix of Elmer's Glue and faint sweetness. The taste is vaguely sweet and mostly gelatinous. It was overall not too bad, that is until the aftertaste chimed in. My mouth was reminiscent of Elmer's Glue for the rest of the night.  

And my brother had a cure for that:

Taiwanese Plum Juice. No way that can be bad!

Bitch on the drink wouldn't be so happy if she actually took a drink.

This plum juice should have been the savior of the day, sweet and delectable. I eagerly poured myself a glass and took a big whiff of the sweet succulent plum fragrance...and by that, I mean barbecue sauce.

I am not joking you. This drink smelled like barbecue sauce, like I was about to chug some nice old-fashioned BBQ ribs.

You can understand my reluctance to imbibe this after the smell. However, I did.

Was it sweet? No. Plum-like? No. Enjoyable? No.

It was coincidentally the complete opposite: bitter, not plum-like, and not enjoyable.

In fact, taking a swig was like drinking smoke from a fire. I believe this is the only drink in existence that was made so people could experience the taste of burning alive.

LOL! I taste me ya'll! (Self-Immolation Inhalation, ha!)

See why this post was about my brother? Do you comprehend the horror that is Michael. He baited me to rise to his challenge. I accepted and I will never be the same.

And now the food rests in my fridge, mocking me with it's cruel smile and taste-bud destroying habits.

Any takers?

Deuces.