This is obviously Rachel, now bow.
I know I've blogged about dreams before (you know, with the motherfucking sheep?), and how ridiculous dreams can actually be. But this time, THIS TIME, you all need to know just how fucking crazy MY dreams are.
That's right. This is all about me. ME. ME. ME.
My complete genealogy.
My dreams have a habit of not making any sense. What? You say you have crazy dreams also? Well, that's okay; however, I'm assuming you mostly have normal ones? Thought so.
If I were to take 100 of my dreams, 10 out of that 100 would be normal.
This sign should be a preview to my dreams.
Now, I'm not complaining. My crazy dreams are certainly more fabulous than any nightmare.
Oh, did I mention nightmares? I don't get them. Ha!
Fuck this shit. I like my dreams with only a minimal touch of Satan.
So, I really have nothing to complain about, except for the fact that no one (besides Kelsey, and maybe Tyler) gets to hear about my dreams.
And now, without further ado, a preview into my dreams:
Italics represent my thoughts or words during the following dreams.
Dream Scenario #1 (from high school):
Background: In high school I had a teacher named Mr. Mace. He was my Honors Human Anatomy and Physiology teacher in 11th grade, as well as my Chemistry teacher in 12th. To be frank (because I'm a man), Mr. Mace was probably my favorite teacher...ever.
Thus, let's roll forward to a dream of mine.
I'm decked out in a white gown? I'm being held bridal style? I'm getting married? Why wasn't I informed of the engagement? I am confused. Who is my husband-to-be? I look up into the smiling brown eyes of...Mr. Mace? What is going on here?
No, I'm not ready to kiss? What is going on? Since when were we dating? What? What!!!!
I'm not ready for this? What is that noise? Who is chanting 'domo'?
I'm surrounded by Domo's! Why are they chanting 'domo'. Why? I don't understand? You want me to kiss Mr. Mace? Will that shut you up? Okay. Okay. I give! *SMOOCH* Now shut up!
*END DREAM*
Yes, that was a real dream of mine. A dream where I was marrying Mr. Mace (without prior permission from myself), and a group of Domo's were surrounding us, chanting louder and louder until I sealed the marriage with a kiss.
By the way, this is a domo.
Fuck you dream world.
Dream Scenario #2:
Background: Who the fuck knows.
I'm having a sleep over? Fuck yes. I love sleep overs. Who is that lump over there?
Out pops a lanky body.
"Man, I'm starving!"
What the fuck is Shaggy doing at my sleep-over?!
On a side note: I detest the show Scooby Doo.
Why is he naked?! Why am I naked?! Why is he staring at me like that? Did...did he just lick his lips and wink?
"Oh yes, I'm starving all right..." Shaggy purrs as he slinks right up to me.
The only other lump in the room groans, causing Shaggy to tense.
I wonder who that is? Oh really? Seriously?! Come on!
"Back off Shaggy. Rachel is mine." Says the mysterious new-comer.
"Nuh-uh. Like no way man!" Says the defensive Shaggy.
What is going on here? I don't get it. Brain, are you trying to tell me something? Why is Gideon here too?!
MYSTERIOUS STRANGER!
My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die!
This doesn't make sense!!!! One of these people isn't even a real person!
Why are they arguing over me? Why are we all naked? How is this happening?
Now they are both cuddling me!!! I swear I didn't consent to this! Rape! Rape! RAPE!
Shaggy levels a final glare at Gideon, "Like man, you can't handle her Scooby Snacks!"
*END DREAM*
Yes, another real dream, and now the term 'Scooby Snacks' will never be wholesome again.
What have I done? What have I done? Spoiled all!
Dream Scenario #3
Background: I watched Freddy vs. Jason.
What? I'm in my room, but my body is still asleep on the bed? How can that be? I've left my corporeal form? Am I magic?
"No, little girl." A nasty voice states.
Cue dramatic music and high pitched squeal of metal claws on my mirror.
Man, your face is all jacked up.
Freddy Krueger! What the fuck? Get out! This is my dream!
"You think it's that simple, girl?" Freddy sneers as he drags his hand lightly across my face, scrapping the skin, yet not drawing blood.
My dream! My guest list! Get out!
"You're going to die here, where no one but I can hear you scream."
A clawed hand grasps my throat gently, though promising torture.
I'm serious Freddy! You weren't invited. I'll kill you if you don't leave!
Freddy growls, "You dare to threaten me?"
I'll kill you, for real. Don't try me! Better leave while you still can! Fucker!
Freddy doesn't leave. Freddy dies.
*END DREAM*
Seriously brain? Seriously?
Dream Scenario #4: Last Night's Big Mind Fuck
Woo! I'm at grandmother's house! Wait, why are there so many cars here? What? Why are these famous people here?
Suddenly a deep voice booms across the sky, "Welcome to the Rachel Rachel Hunger Games!"
What? No one told me about this! Why didn't they inform me of this?!!!!
I'm handed a yellow bandanna, and I tie it on with vengeance, sneering at the referee. Why there are referees for the Rachel Rachel Hunger Games I don't know.
I take my place in the front porch bleachers next to Tyler. He's team yellow as well. The only other teams are blue and red.
The voice booms again, "Ladies and Gentlemen, first event: darts!"
A yellow tailed dart flies my way and I catch it.
The games have started? I don't know the rules!!! This isn't fair!
Tyler just smiles and wings the dart back at the person who threw it.
You just threw it at another yellow player! Tyler!!!!
Tyler pats me on the head, "That's the rules, love."
The dart comes flying my way again, hitting the person on my other side. I yank it out of the bleeding body.
Why are these real darts?! This is dangerous!
I throw it back, nailing the other yellow player in the arm!
Wait, this is fun! Wee!!!!!
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PAUSE SCENE
I'm not sure why my dream has led to this. Why are the games at my grandmother's? Why are there only 3 teams? Why do I chuck darts at same-colored team members instead of at the other teams? Why are the darts needle tipped, instead of suction cup? Why am I enjoying it? These are questions I may never have the answers to.
PLAY SCENE
-----------------
The dust has cleared and I have taken down many of my yellow comrades.
Booming voice: "Team Red wins!!!!"
I killed like 200 people!!!!!! Booming voice man!!! Hey!!!!!!!
But Booming Voice Man doesn't listen. I am disappointed.
"Next event: Rake race!"
Tyler stands up and grabs his rake. Its black with 'Cherokee Thunder' written proudly down the handle. I kiss it for good luck.
He descend the stands and mounts it. In fact, all male competitors are mounting their rakes.
I glance to Tyler's right.
That man has a rake with spinners! No fair! My rake doesn't even get good gas mileage!
-------------------
PAUSE SCENE
First things first, I'm proud of killing 200 people! What is wrong with dream me?
Second, just lol. God damn, rake race.
If you can't envision a rake race, that's okay. You're normal, unlike me apparently. Imagine a stick pony race.
This, but with rakes! Yee-haw! Ride em' cowboys!
I know the reasoning behind this part of the dream. Tyler and I spent Saturday at a charity horse race event (VIP status!!!) and they had a stick-pony race for the children. I just incorporated that with rakes (I was mucking stalls last night before bed).
Anyway, did I mention some of the competitors of the stick pony race? No?
*Cato (from The Hunger Games - now staring in The Rachel Rachel Hunger Games):
*George Washington (this man can ride a rake)
*Abel Nightroad - Crusnik form (Tyler was watching this last night)
What tough competition, right?
PLAY SCENE
-----------------------
The rakes take off in a ruckus as the men dash around the house. I hop off the bleachers and cheer them on, all the while doing my own twirling, run-dance with an imaginary rake.
The best way to get to work and back!
I can't believe Kelsey, Brittney, Tanieka, and Trina are missing this! Where are they?
"In the house" The Booming Voice Man booms.
I shrug and round the corner of the house, getting passed by the flurry of rakes.
What is that? Why are Kelsey and the girls going into the woods? It's almost midnight!!!! They could get hurt! What...what are they wearing??? Is that a dog on Kelsey's head? What?!
I hurry after them, ninja-ing through the woods to their left. I had grown up in these woods and was an expert.
My forte.
As I slink, I see a glowing light.
Shit! A bonfire! Shit! I'll be seen.
I dive into nearby foliage as a person comes tromping towards me.
"Hey, you!" The male voice hollers, "I know you're in there!"
I pout hard and come out of the mass of bushes.
Oh no! Nega-Tyler!!!! I don't have time for this!"
---------------------
PAUSE SCENE
Okay, lot's of shit going down here.
Why wasn't my posse of lovelies with me? Why were they inside? Why does Booming Voice Man have access to my thoughts? Why are these rake racers so fast? What the hell? They are running with a fucking rake between their legs! That should be difficult. Why are my lovelies going on a night stroll through the woods? Why are they dressed weird? Who is Nega-Tyler and how do I know him?
This shit is getting confusing.
PLAY SCENE
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Nega-Tyler grasps my hand, placing a kiss on the knuckles. His blue eyes sparkle in the amber light cast from the fire; his blond hair glistens and blows in the night wind.
I don't have time for you Nega-Tyler! I'm being a ninja today!
"Come celebrate Nega-Jenna's birthday with me! She hasn't seen you in so long!"
No, Nega-Rachel creeps me out! And why are you celebrating Nega-Jenna's birthday, at midnight, in my grandmother's woods?
Nega-Tyler becomes shifty-eyed and stalks off. The bonfire goes out and all is silent.
Shit! I lost my lovelies! I must find my lovelies. Oh, they are right in front of me! How silly. Kelsey! Tanieka, Brittney, Trina!
Kelsey turns slowly, decked in a full-fur costume. She smiles, extending her hand for mine.
"You know I love you, Coraline."
Ha ha! Not my name Kelley.
"Listen to your mother, Coraline." Pipes Brittney, as she turns, a solid smile on her face.
God dammit, Nega-Kelsey, Nega-Brittney. Where are my lovelies?
"Tick-tock." The group chants and then disappear in a flash as an alarm sounds.
*END DREAM*
You might think the dream was getting creepy towards the end. I do not. I was just seriously annoyed.
Those fucking Nega's.
I was highly disappointed this morning when my alarm woke me up and destroyed my dream. Highly. Disappointed.
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Well, my questers and questistas, I bid you farewell.
Hope your dreams tonight are just as ridiculous as mine.
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