How Dare I?

Kelsey, this is quickly becoming a chat room between the two of us. We just keep responding to each other rather than the population of zero people who read our stuff.

Good thing I went to college for a bit to learn how not to plagiarize just so I could take these pictures without giving credit where do.

Yay.

How dare I? HOW DARE I? I DARE WELL LADY. SO DARE DO I DARE THAT I DARE AS OFTEN AS YOU DON'T DARE. DARE SAY THAT I'M A DARE QUEEN?

Fine lady. Blah, blah, blah ladies and cast and blah.

BLAH.

And Star Trek Voyager? Oh ick. That one is the worst. 

I bet you just watch it because of Janeway. Urk. Gross.

The Original Series is where it's at. Followed closely by The Next Generation.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I was unaware that he was ginger. Does he have a soul?

But no, really, very handsome in actuality. He's that unconventional handsome. Like not really fitting that Hollywood image, yet still incredibly handsome to the ladies.

It has got to be his voice. Seriously. He'd just have to say 'suck it' in his deep bedroom voice and one million knees would hit the ground so hard that patellas would be shattered. ER's would be overrun with what would come to be termed as Cumberbatch Knees. (Ho-ho-ho!)

With a motherfucking baby, Kelsey.

This lady explains perfectly why he is attractive:

http://www.heroesandheartbreakers.com/blogs/2013/04/a-batch-of-cumberbunnies-an-explanantion-of-benedict-cumberbatchs-sex-appeal

And thus coins the new term cumbergasm. L-O-fucking-L.

Fuck you Kelsey. You are getting me obsessed. The more I read about him the more I'm fascinated. God damn it.

Here's a real quote from him: “I’m always cast as sort of slightly wan, ethereal, troubled, intellectuals or physically ambivalent bad lovers. I’m here to tell you I’m quite the opposite in real life. I’m a fucking fantastic lover.”

Fucking hell.

http://popwatch.ew.com/2013/05/23/benedict-cumberbatch-shower-scene-star-trek/

Kelsey, I hate you. So very much. This was not supposed to happen. I blame you. I blame you hard.

This is a necessity:

That makes it slightly more bearable.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I'm definitely going to track that movie down. I believe it's from 1958? I don't know. But it's fabulous, old-time sexism shit aside. And Howard Keel's singing. Umpf!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I didn't win Powerball. My life is officially over.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I'LL FIND THEM. YES, YES, YES, YES! FIND THAT MOTHERFUCKER NOW! RIGHT MEOW!

You stop that laughing right meow. What's so funny meow boy?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I don't like guinea pigs. I was just thinking of stuff. Leave me be! I'd make money off those fuckers. So much money would I make!

Has nothing to do with anything.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I obviously posted those so you would cry inside. I found them hilarious in a 'How Backwards Are We?!!! kind of way.

Here:

Shush now.

Liquid Gold

Questers, how should I put this? I don't think I can put it delicately.

Kelsey and I are weird. Very weird. Sometimes so weird that we even weird ourselves out.

We both tend to be completely rude, crude, and loud whenever we get in the vicinity of each other. We definitely make other people weep in fright when they see us coming.

But on top of it all, we still manage to make friends with random people. It must be a gift.

So Questers...for your viewing pleasure I will give you a few texts from Kelsey and I:

Me: My legs hurt!
Kelsey: Why
Me: Pregnancy.
Me: Argh, the car beside me just threw out a bunch of trash. That pisses me off so bad.
Me: I only have 88 more days until baby.
Kelsey: That's so few!
Me: I know! Its like nothing. 
Me: Obviously baby will be born tomorrow.
Kelsey: Obvs
Me: Meh.

Kelsey: I need to come over soooon. You left your ha here.
Me: My hat?
Kelsey: Yes
Me: No wonder I've been so glum. I left my ha there.
Kelsey: Shhh. Dont make fun. Ill cry.
Me: Crying is good.
Kelsey: My forehead has blisters. It hurts to cry bc it hurts to blink. Also hi how are yoooooou.

Kelsey: Also, I'm eating icecream! I was texting bekah but she went to bed :( why rent/you/in bed missy?
Me: We're heading there. Eventually. Like now.
Kelsey: HA. ill see you tomorrow :) i saw you saturday and already miss yoooooou!
Me: That's because you secretly love Mr.
Me: Me
Kelsey: I do secretly love mr. Mr. is my favorite mister. Ill marry mr. One day and become mrs.Mr.
Me: I know this.
Me: Then you'll have little misters.
Kelsey: Yes. And they will have glorious mustaches and the girls will be ms.Mr. And the boys will be mr.Mr.Jr. Yes.

Me: Just saw Oblivion.
Kelsey: Any good?
Me: Yes. Kind of kind fuck.
Kelsey: I love kind fucks. Yes indeed. Mind?
Me: Yes. Mind fork.
Me: Fuck
Me: Damn it.
Kelsey: Mind fork?
Kelsey: I love autocorrect.
Me: Shut it. I try...sometimes.
Kelsey: Lies
Me: Yes. It's true. I am a pathological liar.
Kelsey: Then wouldn't you be lying about lying? Ooooh paradox
Me: Your mom is a paradox.

Me: Are you a lady?
Kelsey: No. I am not. I am..A mad. Duhduhdunnnnnnn.
Me: You are a mad?
Kelsey: Man. Fuck me i can't type today fjrirksklerhjr
Me: Kelsey, its rude to ask someone to fuck you.
Kelsey: I think it was more of a command than a request
Me: Well, commands are just as rude.
Kelsey: I fucking hate saturdays bc i have to go to be so fucking early and was invited out for some coffee tonight and had to decline. Also commands are kinky ;)
Me: Who invited you to coffee? Also, why can't you go? There is no way coffee takes a thousand hours. And yes, commands are kinky...when Tyler uses them. We aren't lovers Kelsey. Geez. You'll have to get over me.
Kelsey: I cant :( its so hard
Me: You'll just have to.
Kelsey: :( im so much cooler than tyler thoooough. Youre just being sexist is all
Me: Move on.
Me: Tyler is awesome. He has a penis, too.
Kelsey: FINE. FINE. I WILL. I DONT NEED YOU. GAWD. FINE. IM DONE. IM OUT. CYA. BYE
Me: Good! I don't need a woman.
Kelsey: ...Ouch :( everyone needs a woman.
Me: Nah. You're not woman enough for me.
Kelsey: Well. Thats just rude.
Me: Yep. I'm a rude person.
Kelsey: Why do you hate me? Is it the murders? It must be the murders.
Me: Nah. Its because of the rapes. 
Kelsey: Oh please. Whatever. There were only like...4,5 at the most. Dozens of murders. Youre so petty ugh. I worked way harder on those murders too. No appreciation.
Me: You just weren't creative enough with the rapes. They were so lacking. So boring.
Kelsey: B...but I can do better! I can! Please give me another chance!
Me: Sorry. I've moved on from you.

There! See! Some conversations! Aren't you like the luckiest?

Squirrel Muddle

Questers, I have to confess. I have to confess, for I have done something most egregious.

Today I was driving to work. Down the dirt road I flew, with boyfriend in the passenger seat trying to pay the fucking Verizon phone bill.

Then it happened...

I didn't see it...

I swear!

It came out of nowhere. Oh God!

I'm a horrible, horrible person.

I'm sorry squirrel! I didn't see you until it was too late. I'm sorry I ran you over. I'm sorry my car thumped you soundly. I'm so, so sorry.

I hope it was quick. I hope it was over in a second.

....Squirrel, I had to travel back to open the gate for someone. Why weren't you dead in the road? Squirrel, where did your body go? Squirrel, I clearly ran you over. Squirrel, this isn't funny. Squirrel, are you dying in agony somewhere? Squirrel, I'm sorry! Squirrel...

On another note, the days are finally warming up. Fuck yes. Also, fuck no because evil creatures are back. You know what I was doing on Sunday when I noticed you, evil creature? I had just laid down the empty feed buckets in the shower room for a good scrubbing out. Were you watching me then?

Your favorite album?

I reached behind myself to turn on the hot water and grabbed the sprayer. Why didn't you inform me of your presence then? How long were you there?

No please. No.

I sprayed out each bucket, carefully and meticulously. They fairly shined. Were you judging me then? Were you, evil creature?

I reach to turn off the water. What is that? What do I spy out of the corner of my eye? EVIL CREATURE DEATH SPAWN!

I hate you! I HATE YOU!

Evil creature...what if you're the child of the mother I killed last year? What if? OMG, I'll never be able to sleep again.

Evil creature, I do not apologize for changing the sprayer to jet setting and pulverizing your body out of the stall door. I will never apologize for that. You are a fucking satanic creature and I hate you. Please leave my barn and go elsewhere. I did not invite you. I will never invite you. Go live far away. I don't want to see you. I don't want you near me. You're disgusting and make me cry. Fuck you. Seriously. 

Cars...and how people decorate them

Questers, Rachel comes with many agitations.

Why do so many people do stupid things to their cars?

I don't mean the occasional bumper sticker or magnet. Hell, I have two at the moment. 

Who hasn't seen this fucker?

I'm talking about the people who perfectly obliterate their car by trying to make a point.

Just stop. No one cares. Like really. I'm an Atheist and think you're stupid.

My first example is a Jeep Wrangler (coincidentally or not, Kelsey's favorite) that I stopped behind of this morning.

We all know a key feature of Jeeps is the tire in the back. Most people keep this extra tire covered. Sometimes they even cover it with a funny logo or saying. 

Who hasn't seen this at least once? (Yes, I know. Not a Jeep Wrangler)

Or...

Oh, hey Kelsey. This seems like you.

My point being that this Jeep could have had any covering. Anything at all. You know what this person chose?

I'll try to sum it up as best I can:

"JESUS SAVED MY SOUL. HE SAVED YOURS TOO. WE ARE A WORLD OF SIN. A WORLD THAT NEEDS PURGED OF SIN. I AM FREE OF SIN FOR I KNOW THE LORD IS MY GUIDING LIGHT, SHEPHERD, MARTYR. JESUS DIED. HE DIED FOR ME. HE DIED. SIN. SIN. SINNY SIN. SIN. SIN. SIN. ALL SIN SHALL PERISH. SIN."

I wasn't quite sure what to make of that, considering some of the words were red and some were yellow, though the majority were white. I was confused. 

I detest when anyone uses their vehicle for a battle ground. I don't mind the everyday 'Jesus Loves Me', Jesus fish, 'Jesus died for me' bumper stickers that most religious people have one or two of. I do however mind the blatant waste of money that this person put into his vehicle to blare his opinion. Does that make me bad?

You may be saying to yourselves that it's just a cover, so what? Well, as I passed him I noticed he had highly detailed artwork strewn down the sides of the gray Jeep. Giant black dragons twirled around his wheel panels, resting gently on the giant, bold, red words of REVELATIONS. 

Once again, a waste of money. Really? That's what you want to use your money for? Preaching to the masses of other cars that either don't notice or don't give a damn?

You could have used that money for, oh, I don't know, funding an educational seminar for youths who are going awry in the world? You could have donated to religious charities or helped some cause. You know, something Jesus totally would have done.

Rachel, really, get off your soapbox.

This also brings to mind a car that I see fairly often in town. I call it the 'Anti-Abortion Mobile'. This person has made it their personal duty to plaster their entire car in anti-abortion crud. 

You can only see dead baby bumper stickers so many times before you're just like 'HOLY FUCK'. Maybe that's the point?

Like really? Is it so necessary to put a picture of a full-term baby on your car and state that abortion always kills full-term babies? Which we all know is pure bull.

Is it really necessary to have so many bumper stickers that your entire car is covered, including your rear windshield?

You know what you could have done with the money you spent on those bumper stickers? You could have educated the youth on birth control and what you think abortion means. You could have have donated it to group homes of unwanted children. Really, also something Jesus would have done.

OMG, off the soapbox!

And my final car (it's a shame I don't see many others with cool shit), is the Nobama Jeep.

This is a Jeep Cherokee that cruises around town. It has the lovely license plate of Nobama. It is also coated to death with anti-Obama bumper stickers. So many bumper stickers. So many.

It is probably more covered than the above car.

What the waste of money on this? We all know people hate Obama. There will always be people who hate the president. Always. 

Money-wise, get out and promote your candidate. Get out and raise money for your political party. Don't just inundate your vehicle with hate stickers.

Step down, Rachel. Down.

The problem with these vehicles isn't the inherent preaching that happens, although no one likes to be preached at. They are entitled to their opinions like anyone else. The problem is what they make people think. 

I'd honestly be pretty fearful of talking to any of the above vehicle owners. It doesn't matter if they are nice. They just made themselves seem like crazy, bat-shit insane psychos with their propaganda. I see a car with a 'Jesus is my Savior' bumper sticker, I'm like 'cool, they are probably nice'. I see REVELATIONS (with accompanied dragon) and I think 'Nope, nothing to see nor do here'. The owner probably has twenty Bibles and will throw Holy Water on me.

I see a car with an 'abortion is murder' sticker and I'm like 'not my opinion but whatever'. I see MURDER, BABY, MURDER, MURDER, MURDER (with accompanied dead baby eyes) and I think 'This person probably murdered their own child and is trying to make up for it with craziness'. Because my mind thinks like that.

I see a car with a 'Obama 2012' or 'Romney 2012' sticker and I'm like, 'Nice to see some political banter'. I see OBAMA IS A SATANIC, BLACK MUSLIM, ANTI-GUN, HITLER, BABY KILLER and I think 'Just how many guns do you own and will you shoot me if I disagree with your opinion?'.

Isn't there a point where decorating your car reaches an excessive level?

For shame Rachel. Don't drink the haterade.

Peace!

We Shall Call It...Something

'Ello Questers! Lovely to see you this fine afternoon.

I come to you today with baby woes. 

What do ya mean, woes?

Tyler and I decided early on in my pregnancy that we would not find out what our baby had packing. Would it be a boy? Would it be a girl? Who knew!

So during the anatomical ultrasound at 18 weeks we gave a polite no to the tech when she asked if we wanted to see. 

I honestly did not know the dismay we would be causing members of our friends and family. I have been bombarded by several people who are 'frankly shocked' that I did not find out. How can my aunt knit me the cutest of the cute baby blankets if she doesn't know boy or girl? How can the ladies at work buy me adorable outfits if they don't know P vs. V? How can so-and-so prepare a baby shower without the token blue or pink color-vomiting everywhere?

And this does not only apply to my family or friends. It applies to me as well. Making a decent registry was the hardest ever. There are just no gender neutral clothes. Every time I found something cute (AND GENDER NEUTRAL), Tyler said that it was 'too girly'. 

Le sigh. And the bickering between us? Forget about it. I wanted Avent bottles, he wanted Playtex. I wanted Soothie pacifiers, he wanted some other stupid brand. He had the scanning gun so of course he scanned his options. I did mine when I got the gun. 

But in all seriousness, we totally love each other.

And so far, at a whopping 6 months, I've gotten the choruses of people telling me what I am having.

Tyler's mother is convinced I'm having a girl. She told me I was going to have a girl before I was pregnant. She told me I was going to have a girl right after I got pregnant. She's telling me I'm having a girl now because, 'you never had morning sickness', 'your hair is blah, blah, blah', 'you're carrying the baby in the girl-spot'. I'm sure if it's a boy she'll still say it's a girl.

Tyler is pretty sure it's a girl as well. Something about how I'm carrying...and geez...the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Native American vibes maybe?

I'm starting to think it's a girl as well. Don't know why. Maybe instinct?

So of course, Kelsey thinks it's a boy. I hope it's not. Not just to spite her (although fuck yeah) but also because I'm getting attached to the idea of a girl.

Also, Tyler and I have yet to sit down to debate the problems with boys and girls. Take the topic of circumcision. I'm mostly against. Tyler is for. I've yet to convince him otherwise. I'm not sure I can.

Also, also, we haven't made a base plan for religion yet. I am atheist. Tyler believes in God yet not organized religion. I want our children to learn all religions, including my lack of one. Tyler wants me to take WP to church because he hates organized religion. I hate churches because, duh, atheist. We really need a plan here.

Also, also, also, we haven't quite figured out the whole baby name yet. Like we haven't even tried. We both like Connor....and that's about it.

Also, also, also, also, we haven't decided on the babysitter for when I go back to work (I only get 1 month paid).

As you can see, we are the most prepared. All the prepared actually. 

What do with you? I don't know.

The Creativity of Childhood

Guys, I found an old journal of mine.

I wish it were this old. 

I remember exactly who gave it to me, Ms. R, my first grade teacher. She gave it to me for my birthday.

This journal was also a great reminder that times have certainly changed when it comes to school. How do I know this?

Well, first of all the majority of teachers do not give gifts nor receive them anymore. Gone are the days where appreciating your teacher with token apples, coffee mugs, and ornaments were a given. 

Fuck you kid, quit showing appreciation. We don't like that here in 'Merica. Fucking brown-noser.

Another reason? My first grade teacher not only gave gifts, but birthday spankings as well. I cannot even begin to imagine the shit-storm of the century that would happen if some teacher spanked a child today, either as punishment or birthday tradition. I know for a fact that I'd be one pissed-off parent.

"But, you were hit on your birthday and are fine", you all say. Yes, I lived through the mortification, but I would never subject anyone else to go through that, especially my own children.

Anyway, off the podium on that one....but here is another podium-type topic.

The journal she gave me had cherubs on it and was purchased from a religious store. Oh, my. Are we ready to ring in the offended parents?

At this point in time I was religious...well, as truly religious as a 5-6 year old can be. I thought the journal was cute and didn't even connect it with religion until later on.

Would I, as an atheist, be super-offended if a teacher gave this journal to my child? Not really...because fucking cherubs are cute and not exactly super pro-religion. Now if a teacher gave my child a journal with Jesus' face....well that's a different story.

Again, off the podium on that.

The real reason I wanted to discuss this journal was the contents...because yes, children are crazy.

How can we protect them from themselves?

As I open the cover I am immediately bombarded with scribbles of tic-tac-toe. Only one actually looks viable, the rest are completely filled with O's. I am quite the cheater.

The next page has a square for filling in your name. I filled it in with 'Rachel's big christmas tree Rachel'. The final Rachel is neater than the others, leading me to believe that I came back at a later time to resign my name. Classy.

Surrounding that square are four names: Erin, Sarah, Lillie, and Carren. I remember three friends named Erin, Sarah, and Lillie (who lived next to the school), but I don't quite remember a Carren (who I'm sure did not spell her name like that).

Under those names is a list of words that I apparently thought rhymed at the time. I must have been studying up, even though half the words aren't real:

Look, Zook, Mook , Nook

Cake, Make, Zake, Snake

Zoom, Room, Noom, Coom, Koom, Moom, Croom (those are all classy)

Onward to the next page where I am bombarded with terrible drawings of a half naked child walking away, Mary singing to baby Jesus, a toddler crawling, and other things I can't quite comprehend. You don't get pictures!

Ooh, yay! A story is next:

There was a cottage that a little girl lived in her name was Rachel, (insert last name) One day the little girl Rachel came out to play she played over the hills she played a drum she went back inside she played with her toys then she ate Dinner then she Watched T.V. The day before christmas Rachel decorated her tree then she put up her stocking The End

How beautiful. At least I spelled everything correctly. That gives me hope because everything else is just...well fuck. 0/10 points for that awful plot. Where is it going? Why the abrupt ending? At least I knew to capitalize my name, although I'm not sure why young me thought first and last names were separated by a comma. And holy run-on sentence, Batman. Periods, bitch. You understand? And what is over the hills? What kind of fucking game is that? And why are dinner and watched so important they need to be capitalized? Why is christmas so unimportant that it doesn't need to be capitalized. What? And I should also note that when I wrote 'her stocking', I had originally wrote 'their' stocking. Young me gets props for understanding pronouns a little.

Okay, next page!...Oh, another story. Goody. Hopefully I do better.

There was a girl her name was Lillie she put up her tree I will be back

So...nope. No better on the punctuation and plot. Why am I obsessed with Christmas? It must have been Christmas when I wrote these 'stories'. And 'I will be back'? Seriously, young Rachel? Seriously?

I will let you all know that I did come back...to start a new story.

There was a boy his name Was Michael The, End

Fucking gorgeous. Just gorgeous. Capitalized was, but spelled Michael right. Added a comma between The and End. No fucking period.

Oh wait, it wasn't the end because the next page...

When Michel got up his tree had Presents under it's stem the End

So now Michel is spelled incorrectly and Presents are apparently the most important. Damn it, I was doing so well with 'The End'.

I just noticed the pages are also numbered. Awesome.

Next page! Drawings on a half woman, half tree creature.

                                              Sexy is a sexy does.

Next! A tree with a bird and beehive. It's actually fairly decent for a child's picture. What...

And then...another story! Only this time I'm a full-out plagiarizer. I copied, word for word, the Bears in The Night - Bernstein Bears story. Lovely, little me. Ready to work in a fast-food joint?

Now I'll just pick and chose interesting pages.

Page 22: I am....... (followed by indistinguishable scribble)

Page 23: Ra.... (followed by indistinguishable scribble)

Those two are the most beautiful fucking pages. 

Page 24 is fucking stellar. It contain these words, "thair oeca was", then follows with a picture of a lady in a long skirt and bra. 

See how that whore dresses? Fucking whore.

Page 25: Picture of a girl in a long skirt, wedge sandals, and a sailor shirt. She is sporting a hair style that would require more hair than any human would possess.

Who is a sexy chick?

Page 26: An apparent imp dancing around a tree. I'm assuming that he is chanting to the Dark Lord, Lucifer. 

Page 28: Two mittens (one that looks old, and one that looks like I went back to challenge myself - like with the opening name page)...also, two crowns following that same pattern.

Page 29: Another horrifying woman.

I'm sexy and I know it.

Page 33: A dragon Scooby Doo? Maybe?

Page 37: A face...thing.

Page 39: Another face...thing.

Page 41: Another, another face...thing.

Page 45: Another, another, another face...thing

Page 47: I don't know, but it makes me want to cry

Just look at it. Look. At. It.

Page 49: A bride who just tossed a midget instead of her bouquet.

Page 55: This page is missing. It must have been embarrassingly juicy. What was it?!!!!

Page 56: Also, missing because it was the back of 55.

Page 60: This is actually a rather nice picture

Page 71: A mutant family. I like how I define the sex of the baby. It must have been important to me. 

Page 78: Dog in diaper. Actually I believe this was my babysitter's dog who was wearing diapers because she was in heat (of course I didn't know about that at the time).

Page 80: Because this is horrifying. 

Page 99: Fabulous. So fabulous. Dance motherfucker. Dance.

I stopped number at 120, presumably because I was retarded and couldn't count any higher.

But another story!!! This one written by my older brother, Michael.

See! Told you guys he was a psychopath.

Now a picture by Michael!

How sexy is that? Real sexy huh?

And finally, the end of the journal (more arty than wordy). The final page states, "I K", then a backwards money sign, then a normal money sign, the "good Job", and finally a picture of a grumpy face.

And this is why Rachel is crazy.

Pregnant Rachel's Shopping List

'Sup Questers!!!!!

Long time no see! No seriously, where are you guys? Fucking ninjas.

What the fuck is this?

Without further ado, I present you, my precious little gumdrops, with my random shopping list of last weekend. 

So beautifully beautiful. I just weep.

Yes, that is my shopping list. Isn't it gorgeous?

"Aren't they beautiful?" - said small, cute Hawaiian troublemaker.

That is also an example of my horrible handwriting. Analyze it if you dare. 

I triple dog dare you...motherfuckers.

*Item one is conditioner. My drawing is fabulous, don't be denying. I have the unfortunate tendency to use quadruple the amount of conditioner necessary when washing my hair...my shoulder length hair...This really leaves a problem when my shampoo is half-full yet my conditioner is non-existent (its okay, just add water to the bottle. It will last a few more days...a few more...I promise).

I bought TRESemeé Platinum Strength because the bottle was pretty. The smell is so-so. It works (in quadruple the recommended amount).

Blah, blah, blah! Blah, blah, blah! Ooh-la-la!

*Item two is oil. Yay oil! Remember that one time I poured you in a  hot skillet and it caught on fire for a second? Remember that!!!??? 

Just like conditioner, I use an overwhelming amount of oil. Making spaghetti? Pour oil in the boiling noodles so they don't stick together. Frying mushrooms? Oil bitch! Stir-fry? Oil!!!! Fish? Oil, oil, oxen free. 

That's right, ox! Stay the fuck out of my oil!

*Item three is butter. You know what butter is good on? Like everything. 

This one isn't so much a 'use gargantuan amounts' thing, but a 'I buy the tiny container' thing. I'm cheap.

This is madness! This is BUTTER!

*Item four is bread. Kelsey, remember what bread stands for? Remember? Huh? Huh? Huh? Wink. Nudge. Shove. Push. Shank. Knife-fight. Kill the dolphins. Jumanji!

We have a problem with bread in our home. The boyfriend loves PB&J so he uses a lot of bread. All the bread ever. So you must be asking yourselves if I buy cheaper bread for him. 

Like this! This is what I buy and eat!

You know what boyfriend likes to buy and eat?

This! This is not cheap!

Boyfriend loves potato bread. Potato bread is not cheap. It's like 4-5 dollars a loaf. It would be better if I liked it too, but I don't. So our home always has two different types of bread. 

*Item five is toothpaste. While most people are tried and true Crest or Colgate fans, I am the opposite. I bop around from toothpaste to toothpaste like Taylor Swift and boyfriends. I'm always changing my toothpaste. I bought a mass supply of toothpaste from Costco. We still have like 3 or 4 large tubes left. Guess who uses that? Boyfriend does. I just buy a different type.

I'm obviously obsessed with toothpaste.

Why do we give this to kids? They just eat it when we're not looking. I want this available in adult sizes.

On a side note, who remembers SWISH during elementary school? That shit tasted like ass in a cup.

*Item six is mouthwash. I did not buy mouthwash because I didn't feel like it. We have half a container at home anyway.

*Item seven is frozen fruit. Nummy!

I bought peaches, cherries, and blueberries. They are delicious because I say so.

Yes, I'm a freak who loves frozen fruit.

Fall on your knees! Oh hear the cold fruit talking!

*Item eight is apples. I love apples. Did I buy apples? No.

I bought kiwi's instead. Because fucking kiwi's.

Why are these so delicious?

*Item nine is pizza bites. These were for the boyfriend. He eats them like fucking candy. I bought two boxes (each contained 15 pizza rolls). He ate them all in one sitting.

*Item ten is Sunny D. Like pizza bites, my boyfriend fucking vacuum inhales Sunny D. I don't know how he isn't dead yet.

The D, she wants it. 

*Item eleven is grape juice. Yes, I totally cracked a Jesus joke on my list. I don't care if anyone is offended. 

My intent was to buy grape juice. Instead I bought peach-mango juice. It looked nummier. It lied. 

*Item twelve is deodorant. Deodorant is lovely and is something everyone should invest in. No really.

I had to buy new deodorant because I dropped my old deodorant in the toilet. I guess that is what I get for putting deodorant on 5 feet in the vicinity of the open toilet bowl.

I...I can't believe other people have done this....

*Item thirteen is strawberry cream cheese. I love cream cheese. I could eat it forever. Strawberry cream cheese just makes it better.

*Item fourteen is bagels. Well, fuck you all. Can't have cream cheese without bagels.

*Item fifteen is pork chops. Boyfriend and I made pork chops for dinner. Boyfriend makes orgasmic pork chops with cream of mushroom soup. This is obviously why we are dating.

Obviously, my list was too boring without notes.

The problem with lists is that they don't cover everything. In that store run I also bought Greek yogurt and potatoes. Oh, and black water. And other stuff.

That is why my bill was almost $90. I'm the worst shopper ever. Yay for me!

Adios questers! I have no more to say to you slaves.