New Vintage

Well my sweet darlings, since Kelsey insists on me making the announcement....

I proudly announce my son, Liam Alexander, was born on July 17th at 5:42 P.M. He weighed a hefty 9 pounds, 7 ounces and was 21 inches long.

I finally had my follow-up appointment today and was given this tidbit of information: apparently Liam is the heaviest baby their practice has ever delivered.

Sweet.

In other news, I'm practically bursting with excitement regarding the new Hunger Games movie. This may or may not have to do with my insane love over Jennifer Lawrence and Josh Hutcherson. EVERLARK motherfuckers. 

Awww yissss!

In other, other news, Kelsey's blathering over the BBC version of Sherlock Holmes has finally roused my interest. Fucking damn her. However, I honestly know nothing of the show other than these 3 facts:

1) The show may or may not have to do with legit Sherlock Holmes shit.

2) Martin Freeman is an adorable little fuck and I want him to live in my pocket. Hobbits are that small, right? (wrong movie?)

3) Benedict Cumberbatch (seriously, worst name to have as a child) has a voice that I'm pretty sure is composed of equal parts sex and dirty sex. (And no Kelsey, he is still not as awesome as Alan Rickman, though he may try.)

Kelsey, I may be tempted to view this show. But. Not. Supernatural. Never. 

****************

So...jumping along topics like a pro...

Why are car manufacturers intent on making cars have faces? Are they trying to kill me? Because I think they are. Do you know how hard it is to crane your neck on I-81 because you just saw a 2013 Nissan Blah Blah Blah drive by with a grumpy face? Do you!?

Pareidolia is a weird thing my friends. Weird indeed.

That monstrosity is a Chrysler Gem Peapod. It is so fucking happy. So absolutely mind-blowing, just-jizzed-in-my-pants, fucking happy. 

I'M SO HAPPY I COULD 'SPLODE!!!!

Or a Mazda MazdaSpeed3...

I'M SO HAPPY. WHY AM I SO HAPPY?!!!!

Look at this sexy piece of ass. The Mazda Kiyora (I fucking want, btw).

This car seems to say:

HA, HA, YOU'RE FUNNY! NO BUT REALLY, I'LL FUCKING CUT YOU!

Ford Police Interceptors

WHOOP-WHOOP MOTHERFUCKERS, I SEE YOU FUCKING BREAKING THAT SPEED LIMIT. TASTE THE FURY OF MY FUCKING TICKET PROWESS. BAP, $400.00 NOW. FUCK YOU.

***********

And while we're on the subject of cars...

OMFG, I want. I WANT.

This sexy beast is the Mitsuoka Orochi. Why the fuck don't I have this? Why? Oh why!!!

Oh yes, I remember now. Because I'm poor.

Let's be more realistic then. These are 5 cars that I sincerely want (that probably won't break me):

1) Nissan Juke (yes, laugh away)

2) Chevrolet Volt

3) Dodge Charger

4) Mitsubishi Lancer

5) Ford Fusion

And because I can...5 cars that I sincerely want but can't afford:

1) Cadillac CTS-V Coupe

2) Audi R8 V10 Spyder

3) Astin Martin Vanquish

4) Cadillac Elmirage

5) Tesla Roadster

And then a few concepts...still out of my price range:

1) Lamborghini Egoista

2) Lamborghini Ferruchio 

3) Alfa Romeo Pandion

4) Bugatti Aerolithe

But you know what vehicle sucks major balls?

THESE ONES

Much love Kelley. Much love.

I feel a disturbance in the force...

I am the worst person in the world. God. I am horrible.

So, a number of things need to be addressed.

First off, LOMLBFFL is quite possibly the funniest thing I've ever read.


Second off, I fully believe that, in some cosmic untestable way, either Rachel or myself is a robot that has developed an attachment to the human portion of our friendship and that causes an algorithm to create itself to predict what the human half will say.

There is no way to figure out or test which is a robot and which is human.

what ever happened to him?

Please do not test your friends for robotic properties. I may get arrested for that.

Thirdly, Rachel is more busy than I, I just forget things. I am grateful she hasn't let go of this blog, because its a friendly reminder that we have a blog. And thats a nice reminder to be friendly reminded of.

friendship. friendly reminder to friendly remind a friend of something friendly and in need of reminding.

 Fourthly, lord. Okay. So, quick run-down of what I've been up to. I am currently enrolled full time at Old Dominion University, but I attend distance learning classes for my bachelors of psychology, minor in communications. Why do I do this? I do this to go to a local community college, too, so that I may be on the Speech and Debate Team. While I am enrolled there, I am also starting an A Capella group.

Yes, its this.

While I am working on starting a club that, I may mention, I know nothing about and am simply doing all the grunt work, I am also the VP of the Fine and Performing Arts Club, which is a club that encompasses ALL THE OTHER FINE AND PERFORMING ARTS RELATED CLUBS AND I DIDNT KNOW THIS. So, if they want my help, I have to help them. I'm skipping a Leadership Conference I really wanted to go to so that I can throw a Halloween Party. I am cancelling a Tea Party so I can go to a Forensic's Tournament.

Along with ALL THAT, I am also a member of the poetry club. I do not know how thats going to go, yet. I am also teaching the Forensic's class so that our teacher can teach the acting class she has scheduled that time, too, so the drama department won't die out.

Oh, did I mention I am also planning and hosting an Improv Night to support the Forensic's Team? I am doing all the planning, grunt work, postering, advertising, everything.

self explanatory

So, thats a lot. On top of all of that, too, I am writing a book. And, unlike my sci-fi book and the last three short stories I have started writing, I fully plan on finishing this one because I believe in this one. I believe this book may one day be published and I believe that my friends that I have told about it (very few) have preconceived notions of it, but I have changed the course and the characters as I have become more confident and I believe in them, too.

I tried to upload that vid of us trying to make the songs match up, but blogger won't let me. What a shame. I need to upload all these shitty vids online so that everyone can see how utterly amazing and stupid and awkward we were. Well. Me. But Rachel was involved.

Also, Rachel, are you not going to tell anyone about Liam?
 I'm surprised at you.

Been Awhile....

Well, it certainly has been quite a long time since Kelsey or myself posted. We should be rightly ashamed.

This is false advertising. They summarized the Bible quote! Murderers. It's at least a bazillion words longer.

I've been floundering around trying to keep this blog going (cue obvious failure), yet for all the failure I just can't seem to let go.

Yes that's right, I'll probably be coming here years from now with sporadic bullshit posts that really mean nothing. 

....Because I just can't let the fuck go of this thing. I'm so grabby-handed and needy.

I guess part of me considers this blog a potential great jump towards internet something (poor sap, don't you wish?). Other than that I just really love reading any post Kelsey makes because I'm nosy like that.

Kelsey, you bitch who never posts ever. Ever. Ever. You've totally forsaken the Bucketsphere. For shame love. For shame.

I typed 'Life is not an Excuse' into Google Images. This was my favorite "matching" image.

So I'm barely (read: NOT) keeping this blog going and Ms. Kelsey-fun-pants is for real not helping. That's okay though. I understand her busy life/work schedule now (slave to Sheetz and school). I'm going to buy her fuzzy handcuffs for Christmas. It's the same principle right?

Handcuffs because Kelsey is my LOMLBFFL (pronounced lah-mull-biff-full). Because we kind-of-sort-of get each other sometimes. Because we randomly speak the same words/sentences/phrases at once with no pause. 

Like we read each other or some shit. Fucking metal.

They are the same reasons that lead to us attempting weird shit like trying to match a computer voice to the song 'I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts'. We were determined despite the obvious problem of THE SONG IS FUCKING FASTER THAN A GOD-DAMNED ROBOT VOICE. Eh. It was still funny.

Or how we make up the most stupid inside jokes. Fuck us. We won't remember them in the future. Like I'll be sitting beside Kelsey on my front porch, both of us in rockers and this will be our conversation:

Rachel: Ya'll remember that one time I said 'cock and mupcakes' and we all had a fucking laughing fit?

Kelsey: No, can't say that I do. (*spots rogue children in the yard, stands up, flaps her sexy apron) YA'LL GO ON AND GIT OUTTA HERE! GIT! YA'LL HEAR ME? GIT!

Rachel: What were we talking about again? 

Yes, that will be the life for me. Sexy.

------
So a question...

Am I the only person who flashes their lights to warn of cops?

Because seriously. I speed motherfuckers. Give me a little help.

------
*Kelsey. Kelsey. Kelsey. Kelsey. Kelsey.

That is fucking all group. Dismissed.

Ah, Sweet, Sweet Religion

Hi ya'll! This is Rachel...again!

I believe that once a many moon ago Kelsey posted the rules to our blog. I believe that I have forgotten these rules. I believe.

The only religious official for me.

However, I do remember something about Fridays being 'hot-topic' kind of days. I will disregard this rule considering my previous post was pretty hot in my opinion.

Now with the power of hate. So. Much. Hate.

Yes Kelsey, I'm disregarding your rules. Take that (rewind it back).

This is my story for the day...dun. Dun. Dun!

I believe I have stated in a previous post that I work for a wine importation and distribution company. If not, well I do.

A good representation of how I feel most days.

My official job here is to get wine cleared through customs and into the U.S.A.

Pretty accurate description of 'Merica.

To insure the successful delivery of wine, I collect the necessary paperwork and transfer it to our company's custom broker. I have recently started e-mailing (like a week ago) a new contact at one of our South African wineries. I was not aware that this made us besties. I did not sign up for a South African bestie. 

So today (my real story!) I was going through my daily e-mails and  noticed one titled 'Powerful message'. I immediately cursed our new spam filter, wondering why an obvious chain message was sitting in my inbox as opposed to my blacklist.

Upon opening (ha! Safety!) I realized that this e-mail was from our new contact. It was indeed a chain message considering it had already been passed back and forth by like a thousand-and-one South Africans. 

I could not comprehend why I was copied on this message. Was it an accident? Did this person seriously consider our short work-related e-mail exchanges friendship territory? Why was I copied?!

I became even more befuddled when I opened the attachment (also safety!). 

To be completely honest...WHAT?!

Why was this sent to me? What the fuck?

Now, I'm not bashing religion...but really? How does this help your cause? Is it even right to use God in such a way? Isn't it a sin to blatantly lie with 'Pass this on and God will do good things for you NOW. Anything you ask!!!!'? 

I'm additionally put off by e-mails like this because I am atheist. I hate that people assume I'm a friend of Jesus and send me religious bung all the time. Newsflash Christian parade, not everyone is God's best worshiper. We do not need to hear about the 'Good Word' 24/7. Don't you all complain when we 'evil atheists' try to infringe on your 'rights'? How about a little tolerance from both parties? You can stop beating me with the Bible and I'll stop laughing at the Jesus billboard on the side of the road.

This. This is what it feels like every time a Christian bombards me with Jesus.

I've had Christians tell me to be more tolerant of them as my disbelief is no reason to insinuate there is anything wrong with their religion. Oh really? There is nothing wrong with your religion? You're all flawless to a T?

So the Christian need to invade our government with Christian ideals is not real? The need to fight for mandatory prayer in school or religious class is not real? 

You all aren't fighting a battle to make this country a Theocracy while still insisting that you're the victims and that atheists are ruining our world? Right.

The tolerant Christians of the world. Fucking disgusting.

Or how about the all too famous - "Gays can't get married because God says they can't". Fucking get a fucking clue and realize that your religion does not belong in government. If you'd spend more time worrying about your church attendance and less on shit that doesn't have to do with you, you'd be much better off. You can keep your little bumpkin church ideals and say 'straights only' (nah-nah), while I'll gladly fight for equal marriage rights. 

But oh no. Gays are so bad.

Christians always wonder why atheists are so anti-religion? Well, here you go. Take a good hard look and realize that you're wanting all the rights while denying everyone else. And all because your God apparently says so. 

Good job Christians. Good job. You want 'equality' for yourselves and no one else. Bravo.

Adios questers!

A Cheat is a cheat is a cheat

Hola Questers. Hola.

I thought I'd take a moment to blog a more serious post. I mean, who doesn't love those? Right? Right?!

You may find my anger overwhelming, maybe a little intimidating. Don't worry. I'm not usually so frustrated. When I wrote this piece I was a little too hot and a little too bothered (and not in the good way) by several blogs about cheating - mainly a post on BabyCenter where a soon-to-be first time mother was freaking out because she had just found out her husband was cheating on her. Like what? Cheating on your pregnant spouse? Ugh!

So....without further procrastination I give you my rant of the day:

Rant, rant, rant, rant, rant, and rant.

Why is it that men and women cannot tell their significant others things that they are willing to tell their best friends? Isn't your girlfriend, boyfriend, husband, or wife supposed to be the closest best friend you'll ever have? Don't people understand that secrets can destroy a relationship quicker than promises can build it? Why are people such idiots?

I've had a few friends who've been cheated on. Hell, the love of my life was cheated on by the vast majority of his exes (I'll seriously kill you bitches - for realz). How can people do this to each other? How can anyone be so selfish? How can you live with yourself after being so cruel to the person you claim to love? I just don't get it. Am I missing something?

I know relationships fail. I mean, half the time I'm still waiting for the other shoe to drop on my fairy tale romance...but why are adults such children when it comes to failing relationships? Why can't they just own up and admit it is not working?

Relationships are about love and trust, openness and giving, fairness and equality. How do people just say 'eh, what the fuck' and shatter those bonds so easily? And all for some random dick or vag?

If you're unhappy in your relationship, make a change. Try to solve your problems. Talk to your significant other. Work things out. If all else fails, well at least you tried. A breakup will never be easy on either party, but it's a thousand times better than cheating. 

Do not cheat to satisfy yourself. It is not fair to your other half.

I am the only person who'd rather know upfront that my man no longer wants me? Am I the only one who would die if I found out my love had been cheating on me instead of trying to fix our relationship? Leaving me is infinitely better than playing me. Don't play with my heart, immediately give it back. That is all.

Like really. I need it to pump my blood and stuff.

To those of you who think cheating is OK as long as no one finds out...are you stupid? You will always be found out. It's just a matter of when. How much of an asshole are you willing to be? What do you want your character known as? What story are you going to write for yourself?

Ah sweet poetry (*has absolutely nothing to do with this blog post).

I know someone who found out his girlfriend had been texting other men not-so-innocent texts. When you are in a relationship, texting the opposite sex has rules. Are you talking as friends? Well, that is normal and acceptable. 

Just 'friends'.

In my book, occasional non-serious flirting is okay. However, take note of how your significant other responds to these types of things. Some find it whatever, others breath death-fire when they find out. 

*Note* If the non-serious flirting is more than occasional that may be a problem.

God, I love him like this! 

Texting the opposite sex, specifically super-hotties, things like 'you're sexy' or 'would you like to "hang" out sometime' are not acceptable.  I repeat NOT ACCEPTABLE. No one appreciates their significant other playing whore tag. 

Girls can distinguish between friendly and I-want-to-do-you-in-the-butt. Boys can distinguish between friendly and I-want-your-cock-like-now-in-every-place-on-my-body. We are not that stupid.

This all brings me to another point. Do not text your friends something you wouldn't be willing to say to your significant other (briefly covered in my opening). If by chance you text Best Buddy #1:

"Dude, so and so is so fucking hot. What an amazing body! Hot damn!"

You're obviously hiding the fact that you find this specific girl attractive. Why must you hide this? Once again, men and women aren't stupid in this. We are all attracted to the opposite sex, taken or not. 

Women and men, intelligent ones, should know that their lovers DO find other people hot. Both sides will forever be looking at the opposite sex and their attributes (note* this means boobs and ass when it comes to men). If you can't tell me that Stripper #2 (the fiery redhead with natural tits) is banging, who can you tell? I'm your #1 confidant. I love, you love me, we are both sexual beings, etc.

Look at that fire-crotch!

I know many women would be offended, but I am of the full belief that if you have to hide you're attraction then you're hiding something deeper.

*Note* This does not apply to those poor men and women who have to deal with insanely jealous significant others. You poor, poor dears. In your case, keep the attraction to yourself.

Maybe I'm biased here seeing as I find both sexes gorgeous. My boyfriend often points out women, I do as well. It works fine. Tits. Vag. Ass. Ass. Ass.

Yes, please.

But in all honesty, sit down and talk with your significant other to see what they are comfortable with. If they are comfortable with you blathering about hotties and threesomes (yummy!), then awesome. If they aren't comfortable with anything, work with that. Remember: you are with your lover for a reason. Make it work.

Rachel's Opinion on this matter!

"If you cannot tell me who/what/whatever you are into then you do not deserve to be my boyfriend. You know me. You know that I love me some women as well. Let's talk about doggy style and giving the D. I like."

"If I'm bitching because you look at a girls body, well I don't deserve to be your girlfriend. Jealous asshole I don't want to be."

Please note that Rachel is very open-minded so her advice is not for the majority of people.

All hail, Rachel. Rachel is supreme.

NEXT!

Bros who stick up for their cheating bros because of some bullshit Bro Code are sick fucks. Do not defend cheating. Tell your bros that you won't put up with that shit. Sometimes the Bro Code needs to be put on the back burner.

And now a note!

Dear Immature Men and Women,

Texting a "friend" and hiding it (i.e. keeping your phone all secret and weird) will only make your significant other suspicious. A hug with someone who isn't your GF/BF or family should only last so long - ass grabbing is a punishable offence. Cheating is never the right course. Do you have a problem with your significant other's weight gain? Workout together towards a goal. Is your GF a total uber-bitch? Beat her. Just kidding - work on that or leave her. These are easy things! No one ever needs to cheat. Cheating is an asshole/bitches way.

Sincerely, 

People who aren't retarded.

But Rachel! You all cry. Your boyfriend is faithful to you. Why the rage?

And to this I say: Yes, my man is still with me (hopefully forever). I'm sure he's guilty of something, probably "texting the bros about women he won't tell me about"...maybe if I beat it out of him? No, I have trust in him so that's cool and all. 

My upset comes with the fact that I've seen way too many cheating escapades instead of maturity. I thought adults were supposed to be adults?

Recap (tl;dr):

*Why do men/women hold things from their significant others?
*How can anyone cheat without feeling like the biggest douche ever?
*Why can't people write honorable life stories?
*Make changes/try to fix a broken relationship before leaving. Never cheat.
*Getting dumped is easier than living a life only to find out said life was a life.
*Cheaters are always caught eventually.
*Texting the opposite sex has rules.
*Texting your buddy about your 'obsessions' is not cool, unless you have a crazy ass significant other.
*A man/woman (without a psycho lover) who cannot confide everything in their significant other isn't deserving. Be non-pathetic. A man/woman who can't accept the fact that men/women love the human body (yes, other people) is undeserving. Don't be low and bitchy.
*Bros before hoes is a dumb rule when it comes to cheating. Don't defend douche bros.
*Once again: Cheating is the easy, cowardly, and pathetic way. A cheater always looks like a fucking dick or whore.
*Fuck you to the girls who cheated on my man. He's fucking perfection and you're assholes.

That is all.